Is suggesting to take a break always a bad idea....

[cingularity83]

I'm thinking about saying this to my girlfriend because right now I'm not really happy about us...and i feel that in order for me to make her happy I also need to be happy...and I can say that I am not...so I was considering telling her for us to just give space and time to each other so I can get my mind clear and figure out the cause and a way to help fix why I am not happy...

[codaaurora]

Well, you first need to decide if you are not happy because of some internal conflict with yourself or with your girlfriend. It's obvious that you care very much for her and want to do what's right for you both, but I would think that this would be the first step.

 

The reason I say this is because she is going to want to know why and while you cannot tell her definitely as you do not know yourself, you need to atleast know a piece of the source of your unhappiness.

 

Essentially though, if you are feeling that you need space, then that is what you need. If you are willing to take the chance at future happiness but also the chance that it might not be with her (either because you figured this out yourself or because she moved on before you were ready), then this is the wisest course for you.

 

If you explain it in a way that does not put her on the defensive or make her feel like you're just spewing cliches (It's not you, it's me - which doesn't explain a whole lot and frustrates the other person.) Find a way that explains how you feel and what your goal is. Explain that you don't really know why you are feeling this way but your committed enough to both of your happiness to find out.

 

I had mine tell me this back in December and it just about killed me, however, he had really thought it out and while I was hurt, because he was better able to express himself about his feelings and his goal, I did not hold it against him. I couldn't. How could you when someone is being so brutally honest and sincere with not only themself but you as well?

 

Good luck with that...

[CarrieB123]

You can suggest a break, but be prepared to hear her end of it. She may break it off completely, or see other ppl during your "break" so it may "bit you in the butt" but let her know exaclty what you mean, dont be vague. Explain that you think it will better your relationship.

[cingularity83]

thanks for the replies so far...I'll take all your advice into consideration...I plan on talking to her to night..I just don't want to be making the biggest mistake of life...she's the first girl i've fallen in love with..and I care about her alot...I'll always care about her...right now something just dosen't feel right with us...I've thought about what to say to her though...I don't want to just start telling her I need time alone with my thoughts with out having any valid reasons....there are no other girls in the picture and I don't plan on talking to any other girls during this time...I just want us to be right again...

[a.d.c.]

Taking a break in a relationship is counter productive

and you're taking a risk.

 

Attempt to talk it out instead 1st.

[cingularity83]

but is it a bad thing if thats what you really intend on doing...some people take breaks so that they don't feel guilty about cheating on the person they are taking a break from...that is if they plan on talking to other people while taking this break..but in my situation I don't even want to talk to any other girl right now at all...I really love and care about this girl and just want the both of us to be happy...right now I just feel like maybe I was just too serious about the relationship...I feel like I am the one who's concerned about us not spending enough time together ( only 4 or 5 hours in a WEEK ) mainly because of busy schedules though...and since shes graduating in a couple of months she has no idea where shes gonna end up at...she said that right now shes not sure of what she wants to do as far as we are concerned when she graduates and that shes never been in a long distance relationship before...that just scares me...because during the week when I cant see her I know how that makes me feel and then imagining her leaving and having no idea whats gonna happen to us just hurts...thats why I needed the break...to think things thru and see what I want to decide to do...she took it really well though saying that she wants me to be happy and that if its space i need to feel happy again she'll give it to me...she also said that she'll let me call all the shots....? don't know the full meaning behind that but...............I'm just sad right now

[codaaurora]

I think you should really take this time and think about what you want to do. Do you want to try and make things work with this girl, do you see the possiblity of a future with her?

 

You know, I was seeing someone once and he moved closure to me so that we could give it a try. Both of us understood that his moving did not mean that we were definitely going to get married, but that we cared enough about each other to try it. He looked at the move like an adventure and we had a great time together. After a while though, we realized that we weren't meant to be together, we had different values and perspective. Neither one of us regretted trying it.

 

What you need to decide, can you be happy with her (not does she make you happy because only YOU can make yourself happy) but does being WITH her make you happy?

 

You can make a LDR (long distance relationship) work if you truly wish to. It's been done and is being done right now. It takes dedication and a lot of hard work though. Look at it this way, you say that you only see her on the weekends and not during the week. Couldn't this be contrued as long distance? There is a long distance between your visiting together....is this working for you now or do you need more from your present relationship.

[cingularity83]

Thank you very much codaaurora....your adivce has given me some insights...I do feel happy when I'm with her...when I talked to her 4 days ago about her intentions as to what is going to happen to us after she graduates she said she wasn't really sure...I can't trust someone completely who has no clue...thats a recipe for disaster...I think thats what is making me upset right now..the fact that she hasn't really given it some thought makes me question was she ever serious about us in the first place or did she always know that this wasn't going anywhere and she didn't know how to break up with me so she was just gonna wait till the end of the year and then leave with me with a broken heart... but codaaurora if your boyfriend came back to you after taking some time alone would have taken him back or did you look at him differently after that...

[codaaurora]

I'm so sorry that it took me so long to come back here and reply.

 

Honestly, I don't know what I would do at this point. I still love him very much. I miss him horribly. However, each day that goes by gets a little easier and the pain fades a little more.

 

I think that I would take him back, but only after making sure that he wanted to come back to me and not just someone that will keep him from being lonely.

 

I know that he is having a hard time right now. I know that he is feeling lonely and probably a little bit down on himself. But sadly he hasn't called me and I believe that he is playing the NC game with me. Perhaps that is a good thing as he knows about staying away to increase the other person's thoughts of them. So maybe he's doing that to get my attention. It can't work though, because he was the one who broke up with me and I can't very well call him up and say "Hey, I miss you." now can I? That would be begging or pushing or being needy.

 

So, I'm stuck in a catch 22 and when I do talk to him I make sure that I seem really happy and content with my life. He tries to do the same, but I know him better than he knows himself and I know he's acting.

 

So honestly....this is a decision that only you alone can make. Just make sure that if you do nothing else, that you wait until you are healed from this before making any decisions to go back with your ex. You want it to be for the right reasons. I'll send this to you in PM too, I'm so sorry it took so long.