Everyone loves rollercoasters....wait when can I get off?!

[larthur1]

Rollercoaster,

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

 

I think I preferred my rollercoaster when it was lots of ups and downs in a day, that way I knew I was crazy.

 

I’m now coming down off a 3 day high (where I felt normal again) and now I’m back in that place. Its crazy how emotion attached to thoughts can vary so much depending on your mood.

 

The thing that is bugging me at the moment is when she said ‘we aren’t right for each other’ and ‘You’re not who I thought I would be with’. I didn’t say anything at the time, being too hurt and emotionally garbled but really after five years!? You think you maybe...might have seen that a little sooner? Or maybe, just maybe you might be a little full of s***.

 

How about this, how about we were perfect for each other and thats why you built a life with me and more importantly wanted a future, hence when your grandmother was on her deathbed we were going to seal the deal then and there, so sure were we that it was basically a given. How about its because of what you have become and how much you have changed (so much for the worse, that I don’t even recognise you anymore) that, that is not longer the case.

 

What happened to my partner and best friend....urgh. I miss that woman like a hole in my chest.

[CraigHowes]

Yea man i feel your pain. My situation is a lot shorter than yours but i can relate to the person changing.

 

Mine got hit by depression and completely did a 180 on me and pushed me out of her life to the point she wouldn't listen to what I'd say. I'm currently healing and i know she wasn't the same person i met. I miss the person i met but not who she has become.

 

People change and show there true colours after a certain time. The only thing we can do is forgive ourselves, wade it out then get back up and try again.

 

To quote rocky "The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, it will beat you down to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!

 

Keep no contact and keep moving forward we will love and be happy again!

[Mischa234]

No matter how much you love a person, you can't control the direction they grow in over time. And it sounds like you two grew a lot and she decided she wanted something different for herself.

 

I don't agree with her, because relationships are about compromise and learning to grow together while growing as individuals. It is a sad reality that someone we would readily commit ourselves to for the rest of our lives and honour that commitment, might have a very different idea of how to conduct themselves in a relationship and when making important decisions.

 

It sounds like she didn't involve you in the process of decision making. You can try to talk to her if you think it will help, or if you think there is hope for her once she's had time to think. I don't want to instill you with false hope, but you were together for a long time so it's okay to not let go without a fight.

 

Either way I hope you find something to pull yourself up soon. Do something creative to direct your emotions into something tangible.

[larthur1]

Thank you both.

 

I knew her...I knew her better than anyone. She showed me sides of her that she was too frightened and vulnerable to show another soul. For the first time in her life, even with her family. I feel privileged she could do that, trusted me that much. And although sometimes I found it hard and confusing. My support, loyalty and care never wavered.

 

I’m a big believer in change vs. growth. Growth is when you evolve and build/strengthen the person you are. External factors may change (new job, new style and even new friends) but your values and principles stay the same, the external factors do not determine who you are. You essentially become an better version of you.

 

Change is the opposite. Change is when you become something different to what you were. Change implies temporary. Change is not always positive whilst growth is. The new external factors in your life govern and influence your values.

 

A tree grows. It becomes bigger and stronger but it is still the same tree. A window. If I put a rock through it, is it still a window? Can you look through it? It becomes something different. It changes.

 

My ex changed. To the point that her actions were almost opposite of the person I knew. She did things that would have destroyed that persons consciousness. New friends, that she herself pointed out their lacking in character. Going out partying. Then a new bf that was the opposite of me.

 

With regard to talking to her...NC. As much as I wish I could speak to the woman from my memories and dreams, she isn't her any more. I would give 10 years of my life to have a conversation with that person about all this.

 

I guess if I’m right and this is change, when she changes back I hope I would be the first to know, then maybe things might go in a different direction. If not and this is the path she is on...well. Good luck to her and I hope she finds happiness and then I just hope, when I’m ready, I meet the love of my life and have for real what I thought I had with her.

[Mischa234]

I know it's hard right now but you haven't truly lost anything. You have gained experiences and these things make people.

 

And when you find someone who learns the art of sustaining a relationship, you'll understand that everything you've experienced has only made you a better partner for that person and I'm certain you'll appreciate it so much more.

 

There's something bittersweet in suffering to know that you are alive and experiencing life to the full.

[larthur1]

I'm doing ok. Certainly a lot better than I was and less in need of help than others here. Though your kind words are welcome.

 

I've certainly learnt a lot about myself, what I want from a partner and also the mistakes I made in my relationship. This breakup has been the making of me, not the definition, and without it I wouldn't be where I am today. When I meet the right person, they will compliment me and hopefully be someone I can rely on during the hard times.

 

And you are right, relationships are work and take conscious effort, what came easy at the start requires communication, patience and understanding later on. Its a childish fantasy that you are 'in love' and that if it isn't easy it isn't right. My grandparents have been together for 60 years, do you honestly think they didn't have hard times and conflict? Anyway, these will all be things I want my next partner to know before I commit to anything. I would rather be alone thank with someone that flakes on you.