isometimes i want to die

[MissJBug]

I havent wrote in on this site in a very very long time. And I thought for awhile that maybe I can do whatever my heart tells me, instead of a bunch of peoples advice online. Truth is, I am very depressed. Inside I feel like I am dying. If anyone has ever read my other posts, you know that my father was in dying need of a liver transplant...

 

In which... he has got 2 months ago. I thought my whole life and my familys life would change around. WE could finally be the family that we never were... no cheating, no leaving, no screaming and yelling, not seeing my other cry was on my mind so much.

But truth is, my father hasnt changed, he is still so ungreatful, he complains all the time. ANd i can understand that its hard and hes depressed (because of the pills). But you JUST GOT YOUR LIFE BACK, HE CANT GET IT THROUGH HIS HEAD THAT HE IS A SURVIVOR. HE HAS ANOTHER CHANCE IN LIFE TO LIVE.

 

And it just sucks to hear him say "i cant wait to get back on my motorcycle, or... I cant wait to go camping again".... WHAT ABOUT "I cant wait to spend time with my CHILD"... It has never came out of his mouth. ANd the other day I yelled at him saying... you dont care about me or anyone but yourself... He has 2 other children from another women...that he Disowns because it was a one night stand. ITs just...rediculous. I want to love him so much, but I cant seem to think that this whole Transplant was a big mistake, someone who truley diserves it should have gotten it. I just dont know...

 

The worste part in this whole situation is, that my mother is so unhappy. She stuck with him through thick and thin and sickness and health. And yet he still treats her like "GET me this get me that, i dont want that get me this" and its just... Honest to God... Hes never going to change... EVER!

 

And I dont know but like, my boyfriends been with me through all this, and I dont know if my anger toward him is all because of my father, or is it just that My boyfriend bothers me to? I Just have no clue, but little thinsgs that he does bothers me. Like...

 

I looked in his phone and seen his best friends sister (whos married) number in his phone...and i went "hu" and he went what...and i said why do u have her in ur phone. ANd he said I grew up with her I donno i just do why? and i go whatever and he goes "WHY ARE U SNOOPING IN MY STUFF BLAH BLAH BLAH" (but he looks in my phone to)

ANd i just dont have any feeling to talk to him when he does that stuff, it just brings back memmories from a long time ago and i just hate it (even though i know he will never hurt me again, i just flash back and it hurts).

 

He just doesnt understand that I am hurting so bad right now in my life... I am so confused and frustrated with making my mother happy. That I think that I pick at My boyfriend... I dont know if i Do but, my boyfriend drives me everywhere. He is like the father of the house and he does everything for his blind mother and its just like... I truley dont KNOW What i have, but truth is. He hurt me 2 years ago very very Bad...and he got into some bad stuff. That i stuck by him through, And I just have trust issues with him because i DONT WANT to loose him again. The love i have for him is so strong. And i feel that Im gonna loose him again... if i keep picking at little things, but its just like...

 

i dont like myself. I dont like the way i treat him. I dont like that he likes me, he diserves so much better, i truley am...what they call "a [Profanity Removed by Moderator]And I know that, and i truley am so confused. IF you ever listen to that song by James INgram - "just once"... its kind of like our relationship, We are happy and we love eachother, but I just dont think we have "it" anymore. I mean, Im not happy, and i dont think he is, but we just....I just cant tell him that. IT would hurt him so bad. I dont think we want to see eachother with anyone else, and we enjoy eachother a lot more than we fight. I just...truley dont know about us anymore. I know that I want to be his best friend forever, and I want to be with him forever, but sometimes i just feel like he would be better off without me. He straightened up and became a cop...and hes only 20 years old. And IM just so proud of him... he doesnt need the stress from me.

 

But sometimes i dont know how i feel because im so caught up in making my mom happy because she had such a bad life as a child, and now she has to deal with my father, that I get so stressed out on other things.

 

I am 19 years old and ive had to deal with so much, and sometimes i think that nobody understands that. and sometimes i dont want to hear from my boyfriend that "everything will be ok" sometimes i just want him to old me and just baby me and just feel sorry for me.

 

i truley...am so...confused.... by april i told my mom that if my dads better we need to pick up and just LEAVE...just GOOOO! (and thats gonna be so hard, even though i want to so bad)

 

i dont know.... i truley am...what they call broken... sometimes i truley do...want to die

[thisisnotanexit]

sounds like you are going through a really tough time. i'm glad you've come to share your feelings. but please realize this, you are certainly not alone. this family situation sounds all too familiar to me. my father and mother make my life so stressful. i too wait for changes that sometimes never happen. i want to be normal so badly, but somehow the same stuff persists. so even though i can't truly understand exactly what you're going through, i can see where you're coming from. it's not easy. but please understand that your life isn't always going to revolve around them. i know it's hard, but think about it. you and i are both 19 years old. we will not be under the same roof as our parents for long, if we only want it. i know it hurts to see your mother so unhappy. have you talked to her about how you feel? i know it's hard to see your parents have a rough marriage, but it's theirs. you have to worry about you right now. your boyfriend does not mind that you are stressed right now. just lean on him and tell him about the things that go through your head. you two can talk about it and maybe it'll help you get a better perspective on things. but if you're not happy with him anymore, it's ok. sometimes these things just happen. like i say, you're still so young. you've got so much in your life that has yet to happen. you're not going to hurt forever i promise. just try to see that suicide is not the answer. i'm so sorry about your father and mother. i know he loves you, he's just having a hard time showing it. but you've got to keep on living. you've got so much potential and you're such a strong, wonderful person. life has so much in store for you. we're all here for you. talk to any of us. if not us, please talk to someone about all of these feelings. you can get through this. please, don't give up now. you have too much to live for. you're such a bright, young, wonderful person. suicide isn't worth it! especially not for you. please trust me. i've been there before myself, and i know i can't completely understand what you're going through, but i want to try. i want to try and help you. i support you no matter what. i wish i was half the person you were, and had half of your strength. you are such a nice, caring person. please, don't give up. for now, just take some deep breathes. try to relax. exercise or go for a walk. watch a good movie, listen to some good music. talk so someone, anyone! a parent, friend, relative, counselor, me, someone. if you need to, call a hospital or the police. you can get through this. it's not too late. write, read, anything you can right now to get your mind off of this. because you will survive and you can be happy again. it's hard to believe right now, i know, but please trust me.. i wouldn't lie to you. please hang in there, and remember, i'm here if you need me. take care and please read this stuff

 

link removed

link removed

 

or call 1-800-SUICIDE..its confidential.

 

hang in there!

[drahcir]

Hmmm....you seem stuck in a rather nasty situation...but remember that you can always escape and go off to another country and start a brand new life....and you could get married, start a new family.....i am myself stuck in a sticky and often unhappy family situation but I just think about the future and how i am going to move away and get married and have two children and adopt two children and how wonderful it will be......

[Finchabald]

it does seem uv had a hell of a lot to deal with. i personally got the impression u had a strong view on not wasting life given to u. so dont. work though the problems im sure with time theyl flatten out. good luck.

[MissJBug]

the thing is, i am going to be stuck in these situations forever until my mothers ready to move on... I have said it before and there is no person or nothing that can change my mind.... I am HERE because of my mother. I dont even want to move out yet because I am not so sure shes ready to be alone. I am here with my mother, and I tend to be through all this pain WITH her... I could never leave her stranded. And I wont be happy until she is, she is my hero, she is my everything, my best friend... she means more to me than my own life. And I wouldnt leave her for the world.