Is it or isn't it?????

[74aries]

Here is my situation. I have a friend, whom I have met through work and I have feelings for him. I have known him for quite a while and we are close. He got a transfer within the company and had to move out of the area. While he was here, we both knew that there was more than just friendship feelings going on, even though we never talked about it or even crossed that line. I really never thought of him in that way until one day when I saw something different in the way he looked at me and from that day on things changed, we became more playful and we could just look at each other and no matter what was going on, it was just us two.

Anyway, like I stated earlier he had to move out of the area. We still stay in contact via e-mail and he has been back a couple of times for business. The last time he was here, the moment he saw me, he dropped his luggage right where he stood and came over to me and we started talking, and then when he left and went back to his office and I got an e-mail from him stating that it was good to see me. Now normally, that is nothing, but in this situation, I feel it was more than him just being nice. My problem is, he is married and I don't know if what we are doing(emailing, at least once a week) is wrong. Is this consider cheating?

 

Any advice would be grateful and helpful.

[scott]

Hi, I'm a bloke from London and I have a similar issue - it's driving me to distraction.

 

Again, 3 years ago this girl started to work with me. She was totally special from the very outset but also had a boyfriend of 14 years (she's 28 now) so I put her out of my mind and got on with things. Anyway 3 years later I told her how I felt / feel and it turns out she feels the same - it's nothing short of melting when we meet each other. We emailed a bit, met a couple of times but last week decided it was best not to text or email or call until she's ready (or not ready):

 

a) because it's clearly as bad as or worse than having an affair

b) something must be wrong with one or both of us to have let this happen to us so I figure we need time to sort it out. My feeling is: does she want to continue going out with him or not? If that's not sorted firrt, we'd enter a nightmare together, we wouldn't know where we are. If she comes back to me, cool, if she doesn't she's not the girl for me.

 

I haven't a clue whether we're doing the right thing or not - she occupies my every waking moment - but it seems to me the only true way. Or am I completely misguided and wet?

[74aries]

I completely understand what you are saying, however it is not that easy to stop emailing each other(not that we haven't tried). The thing is I value our friendship so much that if that is all that we can have,I am fine with that. However, there is a risk involved with just being friends, one day for what ever reason that line could be crossed. I guess it depends on how strong you are and if you think that you could walk away from any temptation that may arise. For me,it is different in some ways becasue I don't see him everyday like I use to. Yes, that was the hardest, seeing him everyday and knowing that nothing can happen.

 

I think that what you are doing is the right thing for everyone involved. Good luck and I hope that everything works out.

[scott]

hi. that's why i'm at such a loss - because I've always maintained a relationship should be built on a friendship but this time something is so strong that I just can't do it any more. The fact she's with another man is obviously a major obstacle in that everything we do together will be biased and tainted and dodgy - it's not exactly the recipe for love and unity.

 

So now I get waves of unpleasant love and frustration, but I figure if it's love as strong as it feels then it will forge it's own course (in it's true directio (maybe she'll end up with a third person, who knows). Otherwise, we email and meet and meddle and make a simple thing complex. I still maintain the core question is "should she be going out with Tom?", all the other questions are fact or fantasy depending on the answer to that.

 

I want to know what the argument against the above is (i.e. "What planet are you on? Go get her boy!"; it must be pretty strong. If anyone can enlighten me...

 

Following on from what you say, I think the chances of someone crossing the line at a lataer date is high. I mean, (frustrated) love hangs around for a long long time. One could spend a lifetime chasing her/him and when union happens realise it wasn't her/him you wanted as such but the life you could have given each other. All that worry and heartache over what might be and to be rewarded with something different and less brilliant than you imagined.

 

Oh, and apologies if this is kindergarten stuff, but we must never forget the stress our attached friends are under – we have it easy and clear, they don't. They might not be looking for the "perfect" one like we are, in extreme cases they may be desperate for ANY reaffirmation of their "loveability"…

[74aries]

Let me ask you if you agree with this statement. I believe that it is so much harder to stay away and not give into the temptation that you face each and everytime you see or talk to him/her. So when they say, "go for it and follow your heart", it is not that easy. It takes a strong and moral person to maintain that "distance" with someone you care so much about.

 

I agree with you about the position that our friends are in. I hate to see my friend so upset and really struggling with what is going on inside of him. At times he does so well and then at other times I see that he is trying to reach out and I have to kind of watch myself and not do what I really want to do. I would assume that you really don't like seeing your friend in such a hard situation either. Yes, eventually in the long run(who knows how long) everything will go the way it is suppose to go and we all will learn a great lesson from this about ourselves, love and life.

[scott]

Yes I think it's harder to stay away in the short term. But I am beginning to see the argument for spending as much time together as possible. I feel it's an intention thing - ie if I was certain my intentions were virtuous (ie not just wanting to write my perfect life script but actually wanting to see what we make of each other) then I'd be all for it. But I'm not that sure I can be that cool or objective about her - I can't even begin to describe how I feel about her - I'll just get confused, all the boundaries will blur and words warp.

 

Thing is, you and I can call on the odd friend or family to run things by, for a second or third opinion. They can't - they only have their internal dialogue (and who knows what their heads are doing at such a suffocating time) and you or me, and if that's not loaded then what is? So our very presense could as easily be a light at the end of the tunnel as a strong current to (ultimately) take both under.

 

That's my point. Staying away maintains the purity and balance of the triangle and the forces (in a non-new age way) can push and pull as they wish and then after some time there will PROBABLY be reached a new equilibrium (she dumps him, he dumps her, they reinvent their unity, he falls for a third girl, she falls for a third boy (or girl), whatever. Getting involved and seeing each other at the wrong stage can corrupt this and make the new equilibrium unsteady, unsure.

[74aries]

I think that people are suppose to meet at certain times in their lives. Maybe it is to learn something for them or for us to teach them something, or maybe a little of both. We can't control our feelings, my friend tried to do this, and in the end he just let it be what is was. Just the happiness and sure joy that was on his face when he decided just to go with whatever happened(s) was such a relief. I don't like to see him go through so much internal struggles. When he moved (transfer) he would avoid me until I asked him about it and then he put his need to distance himself, and continued to come to where I was. The last day that we were going to work together, he came to where I was(unusual, that early) and other people where around but I knew that he was there for me. So no matter how it turns out, I believe we were meant to have this time in our lives for whatever reason.

[scott]

The now, the here, through which all future plunges to the past

or similar comes to mind, eh.

[KingFizzy]

The way i see it, if you hide anything from your spouse, you're already cheating.

[74aries]

I don't understand how you can say that keeping things from your spouse is considered cheating. A lot of people keep little things from their spouse, it doesn't mean that they are cheating.

[scott]

I would have thought it is one's intention which determines whether one is cheating or not - the medium through which it is manifest is secondary.