*********

[meoww]

Another day to say goodbye. When it's not done in anger, it definitely feels very different. This time the choice isn't as easy. It's easy to get sucked back into the fantasies of what could 'be.' It's hard to abandon what you can even envision to be.

[meoww]

I've heard it one too many times from people that "they are just not attracted to ________" insert race. So this person on this thread goes, "white women have their preferences, and that might not include you" that rubbed me the wrong way SO hard. And the amazing thing is that this very poster back tracks into some inane non existent argument about how i was trying to discourage interracial relationships when I never attacked them AT ALL to begin with. This is like 100% exactly the kind of person I can't stand. It's very pacific nw in a way, or a white suburbs kind of way of dealing with your own defensiveness. It's funny how much it bothers me when it comes from those people than anyone else. Like I would give other people a pass. I have this thing about old asian racists that really angers me too lol.

 

But anyway, big emotional trigger for me. I just think its weird when some basic milquetoast person thinks they are the same category as megan fox just because of their race sometimes. But I guess that kind of racial privilege is dying so fast. Finally! It feels good. Welcome to reality! The world is chock full of beautiful, vibrant and amazing people and no one is on top.

 

What bothers me about advice is that sometimes people expect others they give advice to, to immediately understand and to go from 0 to 60 in like 2 seconds. Like on that same thread I replied to earlier, telling this guy to "love himself" and then he'll be able to get over how he feels like second place to white people. I don't think it's horrible of me to almost want to laugh at that. Just because someone holds an irrational belief doesn't mean it's cured in like a sentence about loving yourself.

 

It's too frustrating to even think about. You can't even say that because people will be soooooo defensive.

 

When we turn to others for advice, it's often a really difficult situation we can't handle on our own. To just shut someone down like that is terrible, honestly. Like screaming at someone who wants vanilla ice cream, stop saying you want vanilla when there are all these other flavors you ungrateful little brat, why are you so obsessed with vanilla? Just eat the pistachio dammit! Eat it now! Vanilla doesn't even want you! Ever think of that? That's shaming if it ever was. But if I say anything apparently I get accused of being an apologist?? I think their response is the LAST resort, the first response to an identity crisis like this. This is why I have such an internal rage inside me sometimes.

 

Likewise, pointing out that, "but you're wrong" isn't going to make someone in that position be like, oh now I see the light.

Teenagers get so shafted on the advice front. I know from experience and seeing how they get treated in some of these threads to all the platitudes in the world when if an adult had that exact same problem, the way that people would interact with them would be totally different.

 

Like, if a person is depressed, they'll be like, but you're a great person.

[meoww]

It was good to get upset about that though, I had to think about how I was going to react. Sometimes I just want to unleash the ad hominem on them because I assume they are incapable of changing. I also realized I need to spell out literally every step in my logic to a person, because I tend to jump to ideas without explaining my thought process. This often leads to people who I'm on the same page with thinking that I'm trying to say something completely different. I do notice that people often assume you're arguing against them unless you make your argument so airtight that it leaves no room for clever misreadings or misinterpretations. I'm just tired of fake arguments where two people are on the same side but just not expressing themselves clearly. So hopefully I'll have matured enough not to be so careless that I accidentally escalate an argument but let my emotions get in the way of backing down. I want to get what I want and be effective about it if I can.

 

I come into a convo with preexisting prejudices, and I think it's about time I stop assuming all white women who ballpark 30's and upwards are secretly smug racists who still think that in the 'real' non pc hierarchy of race they are still the 'quality' women at the end of the day, when the clothes come off. That era is over....and if I believe it, the more it'll be true for me.

 

Bye negativity. That is one of most hardened beliefs. That I hate (half of) my own people because I think they are desperate to be seen the desirable ones. It's hurting me to be so convinced that I know what they're thinking because I really don't.

 

Yup.

[meoww]

Detoxing from insta-stalking. Glad I finally made the right choice. I am feeling quite a bit better, but not good enough. I need to feel better, it's just not working for me. I'm realizing that I'm deathly afraid of not knowing anyone from my past. Who lacks an anchor to the past? I literally systematically erased like 20 years of my life. It's not really something that people do. I wonder how that makes me different from other people and it scares me so much. The last thing I want is to be alien to other people and the last thing I want is to do something 'evil' or irredeemable. It's so strange, the painful bubble I used to live in is like a TV show or just some weird story in my brain. I have a hard time believing that was my reality at some point. If my emotions had a pitch, it would have been beyond human hearing in those days. Now I seriously feel like I took the red pill in the matrix. Like I'm really going to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

 

I made my choice. I don't think I can go back....maybe I could. But I think I've been 'unplugged.'

[meoww]

It gets easier not to insta-stalk the entire world as the days go on, my resolve gets a lot stronger. Now I've got to apply this will power to other areas of my life. Starting in early March, I noticed a huge shift in my mood, I found myself being a lot more anxious and a lot more unhappy. I used to be able to enjoy simple things but lately, even the most special things to me that used to be so close to my heart seem so very been there done that.

 

Now that I'm not trying to recover, I guess I need to start framing things in terms of just living.

Have to get by.....i have to force myself to do all things I really don't feel like doing at all.

And i have to start trusting people

And i have to get let people in, even if i dont expect them not to let me down.

I have to allow myself to relax

I have to not be so afraid all the time

I have to have peace of mind

 

There is just a point when i cant take it anymore.

 

And my mind has to put the notion of karmic revenge to rest. I don't care about the evil people and evil things i have seen in my life. I will not waste my life away monitoring people to see if they actually get what they deserve. I just don't want to continue to burden myself in that way.

Not only have i cut negative people out of my life, i need to cut them out of my mind....it's becoming deeply engrained in me since these years of recovery

 

Letting go is the hardest part

Its easier to acknowledge pain after a certain point, but once the damage is done

It never be undone. I battle within myself believing that somehow I have control over my pain

[meoww]

Exactly, searching for an equilibrium

 

It does boil down to the sometimes harmful belief that if i cant stop bad things from happening, i tell myself, oh they'll get what they deserve in the end, or it's all okay as long as one person agrees with me, or eventually they'll know i was right, etc etc

 

The balances are never so clear cut, and even if they are, its all doled out over such a shockingly long period of time.

I deserve better than that

I deserve to be totally free. I want to attempt to be happy in a way I have never really seen abuse victims be happy. Most of them are scarred for life. I don't deserve that, no victim of senseless violence deserves a life sentence.

 

That makes me smile

I think of my life, preoccupied with trivial things and that makes me so happy. 4 years ago I would have seen that as a step back, i know how precious peace of mind, relaxation, the freedom to enjoy every little moment is. Although i know i cant pressure myself, that'll defeat the purpose

 

But i know that i will fight for my right to be happy for every person who has ever had their innocence stolen from them.

 

Important to remember after the month I've had....bringing me back the light. I hope i can stay there longer this time.

[meoww]

The ultimate sacrifice, the ultimate act of defiance and rebellion. The most hateful thing I can do to my parents is to love them. They want me to scorn them, to create this crazy bitterness and tear people apart, even their friends who participate in the drama as if its just part of some weekly soap opera series, they want a narrative of extremes, of shame, disgust, fear, isolation. I'm not going to give that to them anymore. I don't know if that means I'll remain NC and go to LC.

 

By love, its a very different kind of love than I expected to feel for the roughly 20 or so people I could have it in me to hate in the truest sense of the world.

 

But i'm so tired of giving evil people what they want.

 

They want:

 

To give me the burden and guilt they cannot feel

To confuse me

To make me feel like the world is fundamentally bad

To make me feel like i might be irredeemable because I condemn them

So it

 

I don't condemn them to hell or purgatory or anything else. It's too painful to pass that burden of hatred on to me.

 

If I can be the most calm person and most even handed person I'm capable of being

Without being weak, or a push over, to stand up for myself but always be calculating, aware, projecting an image of civility

After being exposed to such disgusting cruelty

 

I will be a much happier person

Rather than, even just in my own head, mulling over what those few people deserve over and over again.

It's so hard to let it go.....i had a flash of the equality id have to share with them. All this sacrifice for nothing. The rewards just doled out at random.....

 

But i need to see the reality

There is no other way. Defeat might be my only way out in a repressed society, and i may only be civilized for the sake of being rewarded later on in life. But it is reality right? If life is about getting what i want, i have no other choice. How many times do i need to drill this into my head.

 

If i am going to break the cycle of abuse:

 

I cant hold hatred in my heart

 

If im going to be the best-happiest i can be:

 

I cant hold hatred in my heart.

 

I will not let any abusive person try to control me or force me to lose control. I am better than that. I'm the captain of my own ship, no person can force me to be depressed. No words or physical blows can hurt me no matter how deep the cuts go, my soul is beyond that. I know thats not what they say about victims

 

They say victims are broken, then I cant be a victim. I am not going to be that person who never forgets.

[meoww]

The cycle of violence requires me to play a role. If I refuse to play that role, it isn't a cycle anymore. If i don't feel, i can't be hurt. If i don't feel, i can't have a breaking point.

 

There are these limiting beliefs i have: everyone has a breaking point, that pressure builds up and you need to let off steam, i know in some ways if you dont know how to manage your emotions properly these platitudes are important, but its like emotional training 101. I think i have managed the feel your feelings part quite well. I am ready for some acrobatics, im much more agile these days.

 

I am not a victim. I am a damn strong woman. Every choice i make or have made is my own. Even all the painful decisons, i dont even care if its not my fault, im not being a martyr, im being awesome.

 

If i want to believe that when it comes to my spirit and my soul, that i dont have a breaking point. Even if thats the accepted way of dealing with things, if people expect me to be either damaged goods or a person who is making her situation out to be worse than it actually is (thats only a response ive so far gotten from abusive ppl though)

 

Its my choice to believe i am resilient and it is my choice to cope with what i have experienced,

If i dont want to suffer then i dont care what all the self help books in the world say. I am not going to over traumatize myself just because of some stupid taboos and socialization. I know the truth. I know im fine.

 

Every day im going to tell myself that. Im beautiful, im fine. My soul is absolutely gorgeous. Im completely fine and no one is going to make me feel bad, not even annoying judgmental people who think child abuse doesnt exist. Not even the people i lie to pretend it never happened, not even in the face of a world who think people like me dont exist. I am ing fine.

[meoww]

When I write in here, I make stuff happen. My insta--addiction is pretty much cured already, that was fast. I literally feel like a different person, so distanced from the past that i dont even really remember. I dont even care what those ppl are doing with their lives, i like my life, i feel like im where i should be. BUT--on to my next mini goal since i tackled the first one. My diet is really bad right now, more cheat days than regular days.

 

The problem is that eating is what i look forward to most in my day! After a long day its what i use to wind down, so i need to find another way to manage my emotions. Unfortunately, its kind of hard to think of anything (you can do alone) that is more fun than eating. Sex for example is fun but a lot more complicated. Masturbation i guess but i think its kind of gross to be addicted to it, like 8 times a day, but it is a nice way to entertain yourself for free.

 

Yeah honestly it is just hard. Ive been making the choice that its more important for me to feel that relaxation in the moment than being happy with my body long term.

 

Its just the one thing i use to totally just let go. I always feel like i need one 'exception'. I am noticing that being a theme in my life.

 

I wish i could just gain it all in my boobs, and no where else. Maybe a little in my cheeks and a tiny bit in the butt.

 

I had a muffin top today after using a belt and i literally cannot remember the last time i had one......

[meoww]

I always make exceptions for myself. In so many ways. That i always needed a little special time/ritual etc where i felt totally indulged. in this pattern where i always feel the need to release something, to feel free. The more comfortable i become, the love i have for myself is growing exponentially and i find myself feeling less like i need to have something to release.

 

Like id finish a boring day at work and want to just melt into delicious food and movies and comfort. But what is relaxing to me is changing i guess. Im beginning to see it more as an overall picture of health.

 

I used to think of relaxation as a cheat day on a diet, or another kind of indulgence.

So naturally then id gravitate toward seeking out those indulgences all the time, sexually, etc, everything. But every little part of life is important. Since becoming more able appreciate that, i feel like what makes me really happy is having a balance.

 

So i know something is off with me, im not managing my stress well.

 

Comfort food, its weird how one of my last big issues boils down to this. I never thought it was an emotional thing, i thought it was a food being irresistible thing.

 

But i see now how it is really tied into my emotions about how i perceive relaxation and luxury.

 

I need to be happy....

[meoww]

I used to hate that advice about cleaning your room when you have a food craving, or smelling herbs/aromatherapy etc. I was like what does that have to do with food? But it really is connected. To overcome an eating disorder you have to change your mindset permanently. I wonder what else i need to do to get myself in control.

 

My most vulnerable times:

 

Hungover

Like 5am prebreakfast hunger if i dont eat much in a day

4 pm energy fizzle

Commute (snacks, to kill boredom, entertain myself....ohhh this is actually pretty illuminating)

After work (eat to congratulate myself)

Feel really happy

Feel sad

Bored

Sometimes i get weird 2 pm cravings too (also connected to boredom somewhat)

 

Im starting to realize how bored i really am a lot of time

I really didnt know!

 

My willpower dies at the end of the day

Because i feel like it is compensation for staying strong all day.

 

I hold this belief too that i get depressed if i get hungry

Or anxious

So i have to realize, well i shouldn't starve myself but

[meoww]

I'm getting pretty damn good at avoiding crazy people. And it's even better that I'm getting pretty good at avoiding unhealthy dynamics with not totally insane but kind of unstable people.

 

It's getting to the point though where I wonder if I'm too detached.

[meoww]

It kind of started when I cut ties with S my toxic friend. A huge burden lifted off of me to the point where I'm suddenly a different person for the millionth time. When I'm going through these things I'll suddenly find all these online forums where other people are going through the same situations, where I didn't see them or notice them before.

 

So now this is where I am:

 

I don't care if I die. I don't really have anything I really want.

 

I don't trust anyone but myself. I can ask for advice

[meoww]

It kind of started a few months ago when I cut ties with S my toxic friend. A huge burden lifted off of me to the point where I'm suddenly a different person for the millionth time. When I'm going through these things I'll suddenly find all these online forums where other people are going through the same situations, where I didn't see them or notice them before.

 

So now this is where I am:

 

I don't care if I die. I don't really have anything I really want.

 

I don't trust anyone but myself. I can ask for advice or take criticism but it doesn't like, penetrate me for lack of a better word. No one can manipulate me into making bad choices unless it is something I'm totally ignorant about.

 

I completely accept myself.

 

I have no regrets. I don't just sit there and accept the things I can't change though.

 

I still have weird dreams about my childhood. Last night was one of those nights, I hooked up with a childhood friend who is a girl, she was super aggressive, and something just clicked in me where I was like, oh she wants me just the same way a guy does. And I woke up totally fine.

[meoww]

The triggers usually only come when I'm caught off guard. My guard is down and I'm not expecting any obstacles, small or large. Like driving, I'm on autopilot going about my day and someone road rages on me. Something as small as that feels like a big shock to my system. Little injustices strip away at me too, trigger that helpless and disgusted feeling. Inconsiderate acts too. Somehow it all comes down to triggering my original trauma. It makes it all hurt so much more than it should. I notice it more because I'm so fine tuned to unfairness.

 

I want to learn how to control my body's response to triggers, my mind knows it's the trauma talking but my body always disagrees vehemently. When the adrenaline kicks in when I'm triggered, my hands shake and I just feel like my body isn't my own. My body just wants to move, my mouth wants to scream. It all happens so quickly I can't even explain it properly. But I sit there calmly and my hands shake involuntarily barely containing it. It's such an overwhelming feeling, in the moment it is the most unsatisfying thing in the world not to find a way to express my rage at the person who deserves it.

 

Wondering if or when the ice will thaw. I'm so cold these days. In a completely different mindset. I have a center of gravity. I am completely selfish when it comes down to it and glad to be.

[meoww]

I didn't believe that I could be the only one who believed in myself. I thought it would literally be impossible for me to be happy if I felt like I was dealing with my stress on my own, even being implicated in my own abuse. I thought those false accusations would ruin my life. I thought that everyone was equal, that all problems resulted from misunderstandings, and gaps in logic, or maybe ignorance. It doesn't pain me anymore to realize how completely wrong I was. I have so much more personal power in believing in myself and my own thoughts. Love failed me. I've loved very deeply, and you can't love someone who is unlovable unless you think suicide is awesome. We need so much more than love.

 

When it came to anything, even when it came to the music I listened to, I needed to get approval from even the slowest herd people who only get trends like 2-3 years later. I don't know why I couldn't just accept reality.

 

I always knew I wasn't bad

But for some reason I was afraid of myself

[meoww]

Approval

Expectation

 

I would seek approval from people who couldn't possibly give it to me. Like you can't give a 5 year old a calculus book and then get upset when they don't get it.

 

I would expect selfish people to be unselfish.

Self absorbed ppl to listen

And then I would expect ignorant people to know things

But still be stuck in the muck, knowing there were better people out there

But according to the rules of life

Those same ignorant selfish ppl would say they deserved infinite chances and infinite empathy.

 

It's so much easier to just not have that burden and stress in my life.

Ahhhhh

I always get so down because it was such a waste of my damn time

 

Like the saying goes:

Toxic ppl often don't hurt themselves, they hurt the people around them

[meoww]

I'm like chernobyl, after all this time, no one from my past knows how much im thriving. My body and my mind are like a sanctuary where ive finally let nature take over. When left undisturbed, i flourish. Basically the perfect analogy.

[meoww]

That brings me back to the initial high of escape.... My body and my mind are my sanctuary and i need to remember that no matter what.

[meoww]

My therapist is asking me how I'm going to avoid getting into toxic relationships

So I thought I'd jot a few notes down

 

Or maybe ill make a new journal....