Realizations

[panchala23]

Hey All,

 

I have been struggling with a difficult break up with a girl that i loved/love for the last five years. She said she wanted space to look at things and experience things and grow independently. I understood what she needed, but it was hard for me to do so because all I wanted was to be with her. Just today I realized that people should not try and hang on to someone who no longer wants to be with them because the truth is, they don't deserve you. Maybe they will later on in life, but the second they think they could be happier with something else, you know that something is not right. Who knows what it means, and chances are he/she is just as confused as you are. Maybe the stars will realign, but don't count on it because if you do, you are giving the person that hurt you the ability to keep hurting you forever. Sure you still love he/she and hopefully she still loves you, but think about if you did get back together.....could you ever trust her with your heart, in all its complexities, ever again? Think about it because chances are the whoel thing is not worth the pain.

 

If any of you are having trouble with these sorts of things, let me know because this is pretty recent for me and I will completely udnerstand whatever feelings you have.

[DBL]

I would say your woman wants to date other guys. Also people should not hang on like you say, but the reality is not because they don't deserve you, it is really because they don't want you. So you have to keep what pride and dignity you still have in tact and move on.

 

DBL

[odysseus77]

well DBL, I think you are right about the fact of them not wanting you, but he is right too because i think they dont deserve you because they dont want you, maybe even vice versa in some cases...my two cents

[DBL]

Absolutely, I agree if you are a person with good morals and intentions that you deserve better. I just thought the post was going away from the real fact that they need to know that the reality of it is their partner don't want them no more. Buy yeah I agree...they don't deserver them.

 

DBL

[ashik]

u guys r all rite, she doesent deserve u, cuz noone that deserves u will break ur heart lik that.

Also remember guys that wut goes around comes around. AND she can find anythin but she will never find another U and she will always miss that.

my 2 cents.

[panchala23]

Yeah, but you have to be careful how you far you take it, because I would never wish her unhappiness. On the contrart actually, I would rather her be as happy as possible. I always thought that was with me, and maybe it is, but you have to give people the ability to figure it out for themselves. I think this is a particular problem taht occurs in a long term relationship (especially when you are fairly young), because things are always changing and sometimes you just need the space to figure it out. It's liek that whole quote about letting a person go and if they come back they were always yours, and if they don't then never were. You have to put trust in whatever you believe in that things will work out ok, and no matter what you will be so happy in life that you will be able to look back on this and cherish the good instead of thinking about the pain. It's hard when you think about them with other people, especially physically, but you just have to remind yourself that there has to be a reason this is all happening. If she really wanted to be with you she would be, and like I said before if she doesn't I think she didn't deserve you. I think it's funny that people think the dumper can have a hard time with a break up because they are not only in the power position, but they also have the security in knowing that the person will likely still have the same feelings later on and they can always go back to it. The dumpee is left with a feeling of just pure pain, and it is hard to keep up with any hope for a while.

[Pebek]

panchala23, I know exactly how you feel cos I've been having a hard time coping with my breakup. My gf of 4 1/2 years broke up with me in March telling me she 'needed time'. As you see, it sounds familiar. Although I've been on 100% NC since then, there are still times the memories grab me by the throat and all I want to to is howl with pain. I guess that's because I still love her and deep down inside there's this hope she might come back one day. I also know it's wrong to think along those lines, because, as you said, could you trust somebody who's put you through so much pain just for loving them? Obviously, she can't have been the girl you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. It's so hard to accept that, I know, especially if the relationship was a good one and the breakup wasn't nasty, but that's the facts.

 

Hang in there, man.

[panchala23]

I think you are right. We have been through this before about two years ago, where she said about teh same thing, went out experienced things alone and with others, and then came back deciding that i was what she wanted. Back then I thought the stars were shining on me. If that same sort of thing happens again I am going to look long and hard at why that keeps happening. THere are two reasons I could see. We are young and things are constantly changing for us and I think it is only natural to have those feelings like you are missing out on normal college experiences; however, I will be vary weary of the fact that some people will always be like that. SOme people are never happy with what they have, and are always looking for something else no matter where they are....I don't think I could deal with doing this whole thing again. I think you are right in making myself think that it is not possible for us to be again, because then if it does for the right reasons it will solidify our relationship finally, and if not, we can both be happy the way we deserve somewhere else.

[vash13]

Hey there. I totally know how you are feeling because I am going through this stage. I know how difficult it becomes when that somebody you have cherished and cared for just suddenly leaves you alone. You have devoted all your time to her and nobody else and then all of a sudden your left with nothing. It's hard to earn all your friends back again and fit into the group.

 

It feels like your hanging on a thin rope.

[ebola316]

I agree with DBL. If they're not with you, they don't want you. They want to be where the grass is greener for them. and they want you hanging around on the side just in case.

 

They have no consideration for your feelings. All they care about is themselves or they wouldn't have dumped yoiu in the first place. Mine keeps calling every night "just to chat" and I've had enough. I keep answering like an idiot, and when I get off, I feel worse than ever. You'll get dependant on all the attention your ex is giving you, and then when they find someone else, and the calls stop, your devastated all over again. That's why its best just to not talk to them.

 

All I can think aboutright now is how to get even with this idiot. I was thinking about waiting for about 2 weeks, and then calling him and teling him I tested positive for HIV or something like that. Or maybe I shouls call the IRS and tell them about his phony little tax return last year. Lets see how much he wants to "chat" after that.

[panchala23]

I got a question for you all. This is something that me and some friends were talking about. None of us really understand how relationships can break up. I mean besides when someone does something really messed up and hurts the other person, but besides that. For example my friend just got together with this girl, and they like each other and all of that, but why would they break up? Do you know what I mean? If the two people like each other, would they ever break up?

 

Also, while I want my ex to turn around and realize her feelings for me, at what point does that become dangerous. I know I am supposed to realize the end now, and I partially do, but there is always this little hope. At what point does that hope, if ever, become dangerous?

[ebola316]

The way I see it, is apart from a major catastrophe, such as nuclear war, there is no reason for a breakup if both people care for each other. When one breaks up with someone for things such as they need space, or they want a break, it just means that they didn't like us all that much and they want to go where the grass is greener.

 

That hope that they will change their mind becomes dangerous to our physcial and mental health from day one. That's why it's important not to have contact with them from the beginning. I wasn't following this, I was talking on the phone with him every day, and its week 2 and I feel as lousy as day one.

 

Now when he calls, I'm not going to pick up. You gotta treat these people like a plague. When something can hurt you, such as a communicable disease, or an open flame. your natural reaction is to stay away. Yet we let these people, who have tremendous power to hurt us, continue to do so with their inane phone calls and E-Mails etc. Just cut them loose. Don't talk to them.

[titan]

I got a question for you all. This is something that me and some friends were talking about. None of us really understand how relationships can break up. I mean besides when someone does something really messed up and hurts the other person, but besides that. For example my friend just got together with this girl, and they like each other and all of that, but why would they break up? Do you know what I mean? If the two people like each other, would they ever break up?

 

People grow apart and i believe about 95% of the time its someone else, relatonships can die because you may be just to busy to give that person time and affection which they can find from any person looking for someone. The main thing is that people must realise that this phase is only the beginning part of the relationship after a period of time you shoulf have trust, security and love that is there and not needed to be shown like everyday.