Trying it out this journaling thing

[Guest Tenormartin]

Hi everyone,

 

I've recently been left after a 2 year relationship and, after reading alot on the forums for the past 3 weeks, I've thought that maybe expressing some of what I'm going through would both be a way to get things off my chest AND pay it forward at the same time. I've found that reading people's experiences and how they've gotten through their own BU has been really helpful to me, and I hope this is to you as well.

 

So... I guess I'll start with a quick run through of the relationship.

 

We met 2 years ago at work. He had previously been with someone and sorta ended their relationship when he moved. I say sorta ended because, while he knew that the other guy was going to move here as well in a year or so and would want to get back together with him, he hadn't actually told him that.... That always bugged me that that's how he had treated him (and it should have been a red flag). I used to tell him that I was worried he would do the same to me (in the first months).

 

A few months later (we were on 1 year contracts at work and his was about to expire), he found a job in his field of study. He started hanging out with people from work and I was not included because he didn't want to come out right away. There was one guy in particular that I knew he got along really well with, and their friendship drew red flags right away with me, but I trusted him and let it go. Due to the industry we work in, I understood him not wanting to be out, though I kept hoping he would come out so I could actually meet these people and hang with them (he seemed like he had fun with them).

 

Fast forward two years, I started to perform again (I studied in the performance arts, but I had taken some time off to get settled into work and because I needed a break). Nothing paid, but it required alot of my time. At the same time, his work hadn't been doing so well and there were alot of layoffs. He kept telling me about how depressed and anxious he was because his friends were getting fired. I tried to comfort him as best I could, but I was away alot with rehearsals and work, and I was tired alot of the time so I didn't have much energy to give.

 

About a month and a half before we broke up, he told me that one of his co-workers asked him if he was gay, and he came out to her. They had alot of work parties and a weekend out in the country, and I was happy he was getting out because I knew I didn't have time for him with the shows going on 6 days a week. On the Friday of the last weekend of shows I had, he didn't come home at all. I was worried sick. He came back the next morning and told me that he was leaving me and had grown attached to the guy that I had set off the red flags. When he broke up with me, he said that we were never really doing anything together and he felt like we had grown apart. He also said that he really cared about me and that he would be there if I wanted to talk.

 

So that's the story.

 

I'm writing now, 3 weeks later, and getting ready to move out of the appartment we shared. I spent alot of the first week rehashing things and thinking about the stuff I'd done wrong. I thought about some of the things that I was dissatisfied with and never really expressed, also about how I did know that he felt neglected but I didn't give him attention in the last few weeks. I also thought about how I have a tendency to be lazy and not necessarily get things done on my own volition.

 

Then the second week came and I started to get angry. Angry that he feels bad about cheating on me, when what I'm most annoyed with is that he didn't give me a chance to make things better. Angry that I feel like his work friends plotted to split us up so that their friend could be together with him. Angry that I have to deal with finding a new place and moving my stuff (I had been lazy -as mentioned- and still had some stuff in boxes and I unpacked a bunch a week before he left me while he was away which I hoped would be a nice surprise for him). Angry that I've been staying here and being alone with my thoughts while he gets to go out with the new guy and his friends.

 

Now is the third week and tomorrow I hope to move all my stuff to my new appartment. I know it'll probably be tough because I'll be there alone all of the time. But at least, that'll finally be a real NC. I've been very dismissive of him and tried to act as close to NC as I can while we sorta live together (sorta, but not really, because he spends alot of time at the other guy's place (another reason why I'll be happy to move out - ignorance is bliss!)). This has left me occasionally feeling like an ass because sometimes I'll be more than frigid and downright hostile towards him instead. He really hurt me, and when I start thinking about how unfair it all is and how betrayed I feel, I have trouble being neutral and not hostile.

 

Well... that's it for now. I'm sure I'll have more to say as I settle in to the new place. But this did feel good to share.

[Guest Tenormartin]

OK, so a much shorter entry today. lol I realize that that was a wall of text, but it did help me out to write down my feelings.

 

Today is moving day. I've always had mixed feelings about moving. I think it's because I had a bad experience with it as a child. Anyhow... There's always that sense of looking forward to what is to come (I have a great one bedroom that's really cheap) and a twinge of nostalgia for what's being left behind. In this case, a lot of good memories.

 

Re: the breakup

 

It was a good day yesterday. I had a little bit of resentment but I was able to start going through some of the things that I didn't like about him. That was good. In the end, I understand that we maybe didn't have compatible personalities. I think we were both introverts, but he looked to someone else to keep him entertained. I'm very independent and can take care of myself (10+ years of being by yourself will do that to you), so I don't feel the need to be out and doing stuff all the time. Hopefully the new guy he's found can give him that consistently.

 

It's also made me think that maybe that's something I:

 

1- Should work on

2- Should disclose at the beginning of a relationship so there aren't expectations

 

I also read parts of a long thread on the BU forum and have some questions lingering. A few months ago I spoke to someone about my relationship and expressed some concerned that it had maybe played itself out. When I talked about it, I was saying that I really cared about him but it had grown into a friendship where I felt really comfortable spending time with him and happy overall, but no longer head over heels like in the honeymoon phase. The person I spoke to (who was older) seemed to believe that, in the end, that's what a strong relationship should be. I've seen alot of people on the forums talk about finding "the one" and having this love that you just know you want to have. It's made me wonder whether that's a Hollywood myth and maybe when there are some rough patches, the best is to work on things instead of second guessing the whole relationship. Anyhow.. I'm still thinking about that and wondering.

 

Let me know what you guys think! Sorry again for being so long winded. I think I need to start typing stuff throughout the day instead of writing out huge chunks daily! lol