I feel that after m life's struggles love will be the reward...but

[LightAndDark]

I have faced hardships with losing a loved one and gone through personal hells, and I feel that after all this that I will be rewarded with great love, however I want to throw away that love when I find it because I had to go through all those hardships.

 

Its like I dont want the reward as it is mocking me, like I want to say "Oh, so you are giving me this love to make up for the hardships? Well you can take that love and shove it. See what you have done fate? You pushed me too hard so you can go suck it, Id rather suffer!"

 

why exactly is this?

[sand dollar]

I do think some people can suffer so much for something that they can be spiteful when they finally reach the goal. So spiteful that they won't accpet it.

 

Have you ever read "notes from the Underground" by dostoevsky? He deals with this kind of spite!

 

 

Or maybe by the time they reach the goal they are not the same person. The suffering has changed them. And they no longer need or want it anymore. It's not sad or tragic if the desire is gone. Maybe the sufferig was supposed to change them and the real goal was not what they were searchig for,but something else. Maybe it was supposed to lead them where they ended . Travelling to desire to end the desire.

 

 

I understand what you are saying and it resonates mildly with me. But I don't think it's that simple in my case. It goes beyond that. not all of us are meant to have romantic relationships. Or even want them

 

 

.Our obsession with it is partially a cultural thing I think. We have been conditioned to some extent by our culture and maybe all of Western culture to accept romantic love as a great ideal . not all cultures agree.

 

 

I my case as time went on I became more and more comfortable with being on my own. The Idealism regarding relationships that I had was a very childish and damaging thing . But only someone without real experience could believe those things.

 

 

In the long run, I think I chose freedom over relationships. The idea of belonging to someone is not one I like at this time my life. I am not a young man anymore and the few years I have left are very very precious to me. I am afraid to entrust them to people that I might get attached to. If I make a mistake and it doesnt work out there is no more time.

 

 

If I had a lot of money I would drive all over.Twelve, sixteen hours a day. Keep driving and driving.Always keep moving .There is a special peace I feel when I'm driving. I'd keep going and going and never stop. I'd never need anything else,only the freedom of moving. I'd never stay anywhere too long. Because there is no destiation. no place to go.The moving,the travelling would be the destination. The freedom and peace of it .

 

 

You made me remember an old song by Robert Plant that I used to like:

 

 

My love is in league with the freeway

Oh the freeway, and the coming of night-time

 

 

 

But who knows. Maybe all this is another illusion. All I know is that in my best moments I feel freedom and great peace and that's enough for me now

[LightAndDark]

It sounds like its spite. But I want to be happy. Is it fate that I am to be unhappy? If so then fate is my enemy.

[Lorem Ipsum]

Maybe it's spite on the surface... but could it also be fear underneath? Fear that you would lose the great love, as well? That they would cheat on you/leave you for another person/use you for your assets/turn out to be abusive or another wrong step? That 'fate' would dangle the carrot in front of you only to jerk it away the moment you went for it?

 

As weird as it sounds, happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy with what you've got, or you can choose to focus on all the things you don't have. You can choose to look ahead, or you can choose to wallow in past misfortunes/tragedies.

[Animal]

Unfortunately, it's been my observation that most people will never truly find happiness. Like I used to see on buttons and t-shirts back in the 80's, "Life's a b____, then you die".

[LightAndDark]

Maybe it's spite on the surface... but could it also be fear underneath? Fear that you would lose the great love, as well? That they would cheat on you/leave you for another person/use you for your assets/turn out to be abusive or another wrong step? That 'fate' would dangle the carrot in front of you only to jerk it away the moment you went for it?

 

As weird as it sounds, happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy with what you've got, or you can choose to focus on all the things you don't have. You can choose to look ahead, or you can choose to wallow in past misfortunes/tragedies.

 

Its more like the universe has given me these challenges and at the end it rewards me for facing them and I look at the universe and spit in its face saying I want nothing from you. Like its all part of this divine plan and I want nothing of it. Makes me feel like nothing more than a lab rat.