New here... Having a bad day

[newstartbx]

Hi

 

I'll try and keep this as short as I can. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 months ago. Things had been going wrong for a while. For the last year everything was on his terms. I was his lowest priority for a long time but whenever I tried to talk to him about it he would get angry and tell me I was imagining things. In the end it turned out I wasn't because he told me he hadn't loved me in over a year. My biggest regret is not ending it sooner when everyone around me could see he was using me, but he was so wonderful in the beginning I couldn't give up hope.

 

Anyway, I went no contact for a few weeks but didnt do it properly - I was checking Facebook, googling him, anything to feel I was still part of his life. I went official No Contact on Sunday and have not done any of those things since then. It's been the most painful experience of my life.

 

Today has been emotional. A close work friend had her last day today before leaving for a new job, and it's panicked me a bit to realise how much things are changing. I keep trying to tell myself that if I stay no contact it will get easier, but I guess I just wanted some reassurance from people who have been through it and come out the other side.

 

When will I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel? I keep thinking I just want him back to make the pain go away, but I know in the long run being with him would do me so much damage. My head is fighting with my heart!

[RougeQueen]

Well, you're already on the right track. You realize that you want him back for the quick fix emotional comfort but also have a good enough grasp on the situation to know that being with him would hurt you more in the end. I think that's a great step in the right direction. It takes some people a lot longer than 2 months to get to that point!

 

I'm at month 2 of post BU myself and I'm feeling pretty good to tell you the truth. My relationship lasted 3.5 years and we lived together. My bf also told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore either. As strange as this sounds and as much as it hurt that really helped me to let him go.

 

If your ex says he is no longer in love with you you have no reason to hope for a reconciliation. It hurts to hear but trust me it helps you to accept that it's over and that there is no point in wishing otherwise. It makes it as clean a cut as these things can get.

 

Definitely go NC. Totally and completely. It's really hard at first but what worked for me is that every time I wanted to reach out to him I thought of how I would feel if I was rebuffed or ignored. The answer to that is "like crap". Knowing what's going on in his life will not help you move on. Neither will talking to him. And everyday that you stick to NC your self respect will go up and it'll get a bit easier. Some days will be harder than others but overall there will be a general easing of the intense feelings and hurt you're feeling now.

 

I can tell you from experience that the longer you go NC the better you'll feel. NC helps you out distance between yourself and him and without the constant reminder of his presence in your life the pain will fade. When I was in the pain you're feeling all I wanted was for someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay. So, trust me, you're going to be alright and you're going to get through this.

[newstartbx]

Thanks for your reply. It helps so much to know I'm on the right track. How long have you been no contact for?

 

I can't wait until the obsessive thoughts about him go away! It's like my brain is constantly trying to process what's happened. I understand people's feelings change and sometimes they can be confused for a while, but looking bad it seems he knew how he felt and made a conscious decision to exclude me from his life but keep me hanging on for when I was useful to him. A few months before the end I was having some medical problems that interfered with our sex life. He told me if I didn't sort it out we would break up, and I never felt like he was working with me to get things back on track. I now think this was a major factor in him ending it. He told me sleeping with me was the most awkward thing on earth. I think maybe I lost the one thing I had left to offer him, so he decided to get out. Incidentally the reason we split was because I found he had been looking for where to get an erotic massage, and when I confronted him he ended it.

 

Sorry about having a rant there, it just might help if I can get some of this stuff out of my mind!

 

On the plus side I'm feeling quite confident I can stick with no contact, and have a plan for what I can do if I get the urge to contact him. Having a good plan always helps!

[RougeQueen]

Wow, I really don't like your ex! What a selfish douche! It blows my mind every time I hear about how horribly some people can treat others. Sounds like he was just in it for the sex after awhile and when you weren't able to provide it as much he checked out. That makes me angry.

 

But you're doing great! 2 months in and it seems you've got things well in hand! Yeah there's those annoying obsessive thoughts and the what-ifs and the why-was-I-not-good-enoughs that will pop up here and there but given time and space they go away and you'll find that the first thought waking up is "I want breakfast" instead of "I miss douche bag"(or whatever his name is. That won't matter either after awhile lol).

 

I WAS on 2 months NC till my ex pain in the butt started texting me again last Friday. We chatted about safe subjects and sent silly texts but not once brought up us or our past. Which is fine and dandy for me because, like you, I know a relationship with him would take me nowhere but back to a butt load of pain that is entirely unnecessary. I only screwed up once and texted him first and that really reinforced the whole do not contact him for any reason thing because it did not go how I wanted it to and set me back big time.

 

If yours contacts you I would suggest ignoring him for the time being because you are obviously still in a lot of emotional pain. That's what I did in the beginning and it's the best thing I could've done. It gives you a sense of control back in your life and allows your brain to process everything without interference and confusion from the ex.

 

I'm so glad you're feeling confident that you'll stick with NC! And you're right, having a plan in case that feeling of needing to talk to him arises is a really good thing! Keep it up!

[stepsinthesand]

RougeQueen I have been following your posts recently and they have been really valuable for me, so thank you for that! newstartbx, I can completely sympathise, I find that when I have other stressful stuff going on in my life that it really compounds the whole break up trauma and makes it hard to focus on anything else. I just try to hold on that there WILL be a day, definitely, where it will not feel like this. We just have to keep hanging in there, learning about ourselves and gaining strength each day, so that when we do get there we are truly a mighty and strong version of our former selves.

[newstartbx]

RougeQueen he was pretty selfish. He used to leave his clothes and wet towels all over my parents' house and I had to build up the courage to speak to him about it. When I eventually did he was furious that I'd dared to ask him to pick up after himself, and needless to say nothing changed! He also expected me to make him meals and drinks, and give him regular massages but did very little/nothing for me in return. It helps to remember the bad points - they seem to dramatically outweigh the good and remind me that's not how I want a relationship to be.

 

Funnily enough the other day I woke up and he wasn't the first thing on my mind, which I took as a positive It sounds like you've been really strong sticking to NC so I really admire you for that, I have to admit I've fallen off the wagon quite a few times now! I'm trying not to beat myself up too much about it though and look at the positives of it. For example I now can't say to myself 'well I could just text him to see if anything's changed' because every time I have contacted him it's been exactly the same. I guess in a way I had to learn from breaking NC so I won't do it again.

 

stepsinthesand I know what you mean. When there are other stressful things going on it makes me want to reach out to him, but I guess we just have to remember they wouldn't make us feel any better anyway. I had a look at your previous posts and it sounds like the guy you were with will never change, whereas at least we have the chance to learn from this and grow

 

Before I posted here I was considered seeing my doctor to start some antidepressants, but this has given me such a boost I think I can probably make it through the bad days without that, so thank you.

[Tinyrain]

Hey newstartbx...ready your post and I'm so sorry for what you are going through. But you really deserve so much better and I know that you'll find it. I think like everyone before me said, staying NC is the best way to start feeling better. Stay strong and know that you're a good person.

[Patterbatter]

It's good to see you're on the right path! and without a doubt NC is a great healing method, everyday gets better and better, and although it might be a slow process, it will be worth the endurance! And you are going to be just fine

 

My ex (post BU 9 months now), broke it off with me, she ran off with another guy and I was stumped! So immediately I went NC (deleted my social networks etc), and it was in fact my ex who wouldn't f*** off, she kept texting me asking if I was ok...all I could think of was what a heartless b1***! I didn't want to be that needy heartbroken ex bf who kept on running circles around her, begging for reconciliation. Because even at the time I was hurting a lot, I knew that eventually through NC and friends I would get through it someway, and my heart would catch up with what my head was telling me (that she was a toxic waste of space and time, and eventually what has gone around, will come around). Plus I knew that if I was making an effort to run after her, she would just have loved that, so I disappeared off the radar, closed my mouth and vented on ENA and to my family and friends, because silence says a thousand words I've been NC now about 5 months (after she finally shut the **** up and left me alone to heal!!)

 

A friend of mine is also in the same scenario as me, post BU just over 9 months, and after taking to him about it we shared a lot of similarities in our last relationships, and we were both the ones who got the bomb dropped on us. The only difference is that he emailed his ex (after 9 months NC!) declaring his unconditional love for his ex...and after my friend contacted me quite upset saying "what have I done"?! It may be tempting to break NC at times but stick with it, it is so worth it for you're own benefit. Plus you don't need that piece of sh** anyway, you sound like a great catch!

 

I wish you a full recovery, and you are strong enough to say "That's enough, no more punishment, go NC and heal myself", then you are going to be strong enough to pull through this You gotta start somewhere eh? There are some great people on ENA who will be more than happy to help you along the way!

[mr me]

I dont really have any good tips on using NC cause i feel like everyone is different. I will say that you have alot of awareness with what your going thru which is a big help. I guess just seeking help is another good step in the right direction. Ill say for me what i do the most is distract myself somehow. I suffer from depression and anxiety so i have to work thru that as well. I think you will just find out alot about yourself and hopefully with that information you can continue to work towards a better life.