depths of misery

[MattTheStudent]

Twisted Metal

 

Type of relationship: Serious

Length: 2 years

 

What a roller coaster of a relationship I've been in for the past two years. I feel like I don't know where to begin, but I guess I'll begin with the beginning. I moved away from my state to start a new life after a bad relationship a few years ago. After living in the state I live in now for awhile, an old friend from my old state said she had a friend in my new state, so we met. It was really nice, she was very sweet and basically the opposite of my ex-girlfriend. We did the semi-long-distnace thing for awhile, and my commitment to my job ended, so I moved closer to her, got a new job, and went back to school out where she lives. She was very good to me, we went lots of places together, it felt like a really strong and healthy relationship. However, it was not. At some point she became emotionally and physically abusive towards me and I became emotionally and physically abusive towards her. I was uneasy around her, scared to really act myself anymore unless other people were around, and just kind of sad about the decline of the relationship. We started fighting alot, just back and forth annoying each other, and it began to suck. So we did the breakup/makeup thing for awhile and my friends got sick of hearing it. I come from a very abusive background, and she is overly critical and controlling sometimes, and it reminds me of the way my mom treated me. So a couple of months ago we got in a fight and I grabbed her and she clawed my face and I pushed her down. I really lost control and she did too. After this fight she said never to call her or contact her again. We had basically been living together up to this point, so I moved all my stuff out and left her alone. Two weeks later I dropped off some stuff when she wasn't home, left it on her porch, and she texted me a few minutes later, asking me to come over. So I did and we talked and cuddled and had sex and it was nice. So we've been spending time together again, but she seems to always be upset and now I see her old patterns of control and criticism coming out. I've been going to men's groups and therapy for myself, so that I don't react physically during arguments, and I have to say I've learned alot. I find it much easier to walk away from her fights now. Basically she thinks that she was never abusive in any way towards me, and that it was all in my head because of my childhood, and that I was the one who was always abusive. But why then does she keep calling me and texting me and wanting me? My family and friends say, stay away from her. I have no self-esteem anymore, but I pretend I do so people think I'm ok. I just can't say, "Stay away from me," and stick to it myself.

[stomacstress]

MattTS,

sometimes it is difficult to know what's happening when abuse is present. My last relationship was similar to yours in term of the abuse and I also went to therapy. I was thinking that she was abusive and that I was also abusive. You can also become abusive in the presense of an abuser. This became so complicated I thought I was getting crazy!

 

Whatever is happening, there are lots of signs telling me that you two are not meant for each other. You feel there is control and criticism, you are uneasy and scared, you needed therapy, she wants you back when she claims you're the abuser, you lost your self-esteem... all this is NOT good. A relationship should be easier than that!

 

It took me months to understand why the abuse was present when the two of us were together. We were trying too hard to match two personalities that were too different. I would strongly suggest that you stop seeing each other before you two really get hurt.

 

One question: at this time do you still trust her?