Why doesn't NC from the dumpee help the dumper move on?

[snapple]

It appears general consensus says that NC helps the dumpee move on, which makes sense. However, doesn't the dumper inevitably move on as well, through a short period of mutual NC? The dumper gets what he / she wished for, and all of that. Is it a case of guilt / dumper's remorse that brings him or her back? Seems a bit contradictory to me since the dumper gets what he / she wanted all along.

[wickedconfused]

Great point. I think the idea is that you get some time to get your emotions together, and so do they. After that, you try to reconvene. You don't spend a ridiculous amount of passionate time with someone without crossing their mind from time to time. I think the risk sometimes lies in whoever is more prideful...maybe you both want to talk, but don't, due to pride. And that is just tragic.

[Edmund Exley]

Generally the dumper has already prepared themselves for a life without the dumpee long before the breakup is initiated. They spent time weighing their decision and came to a conclusion that they are ready for a life without the dumpee. Sure they may miss you, but in most cases they have already began looking forward long before they left.

[hodgeheg]

I think you're maybe missing the true reason behind NC. It isn't really about getting back together, although this can be an unintended outcome, it's about getting yourself back.

[markie6]

It's all to do with the circumstances of the BU. I have always likened a BU to kicking an addiction ( smoking for example). What is the besy way to conquer an addiction ? Cold turkey or slow withdrawal with patches ? Some seem able to stop at day 1 , others need the slower , easier approach. It's not easy going from contact with a person every day to nothing for either side.

 

Now they are no secret formulas to moving on or getting somebody back, there are so many variables based on personality traits that it would be futile to even contemplate them all. What works for me , may not help you etc

 

Could you handle cold turkey ? Could they ? Are you making it easier for them ( being the daily patch ) or harder for them by denying them their little fix ? We cannot know, we will never know how their mind works. We base all advice and support on much less than 50% of the facts most times

 

Ok. so we can all pretty much agree with 1 thing ... there are no A -B -C formulas to getting somebody back. Some people do reconcile, nobody can tell you this will not happen unless they are driving a DeLorean.

 

They either bring themselves back or they don't and we just don't know if it will happen. Best we can do while we wait ( as most of us are forced to) is to get us back and hope for best