Dumped me 2 months ago, now wants to get back together...

[vicki]

Hi Everyone,

To make a very long story short, my ex of 2 years dumped me 2 months ago.

 

After a rocky 2 month separation, he decides that he misses me, has not been happy the entire 2 months we've been apart, and wants to try things again. I will spare you the details. I still love him and he is really trying, but am just not ready to jump into things. He has called me everyday since revealing this to me last weekend, and asked me out for this weekend. I have not given him an answer.

 

I do not know how to handle this. I do not even know what I am asking, but feel so confused. I thought this is what I wanted because I have such strong feelings for him, but now I don't know if I can do it...I need more time.

 

Any advice really welcome.

[asdf1234]

I'm in the EXACT same situation. I'm also feeling hesitant because I don't want to get hurt again, so what I've done is given an ultimatum basically. Either he does exactly what I've asked him to do, or I don't want to deal with it anymore. We had a great 2 years together but there was always one thing that was bothering me, and I compromised it because I thought it would be worth waiting to see it fix itself. But in the end, he broke up with me. Now that he wants to get back together, I want that one problem resolved so that we can go forward... He's not ready to resolve it, but I am. So until he does, I cannot go forward... If we continue where we left off, the problem will still be there, unresolved, and I know I won't be 100% happy.

 

So my advice to you... make sure that whatever was bothering him/you is resolved or at least confronted so you can work on getting it resolved before you start a new relationship together.

[vicki]

Thanks for your reply, ASDF 1234. Yes, it is a matter of not wanting to get hurt again.

 

There was no big issue that drove us apart. We are young, and for him, after 2 years, I think it was a case of the "grass being greener on the other side". He realized what we had when he lost it.

 

You always think that if you are given this opportunity, as the dumpee, that you would jump at it. However, I feel that caution is the best approach for awhile. I am not going to let my emotions get the better of me.

[asdf1234]

Vicky, the issue that I had wasn't what made him break up with me - it was actually similar to what your boyfriend felt. He started thinking that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship - which is funny, since we never talked about marriage but we were a stable couple. He started thinking that he couldn't see us together in the future, etc. Now he's saying that he regrets it, thought he had been making the right decision for both of us, and feels that he took me for granted.

 

I can't really do anything right now to make it work because the issue that always bothered ME hasn't been resolved yet. I've told him that if he cared as much as he says he does, then he would do ANYTHING to make me happy, including getting that issue resolved. He says he wants to do everything to make me happy but still put that issue aside. So, I can't do anything... I've already waited 2 years, and it didn't get me anywhere.

[vicki]

I don't blame you.

 

It is funny because even though the breakup was not initiated us, after the initial hurt fades a bit, the dumpee can see the whole situation with more clarity, and puts us in a position to broker a better relationship. I think when you are together, you tend to let all of those little things slip by out of fear of losing them. When that fear is gone, there is nothing more to lose, and you realize that you are okay without them, and they must now fit back into your life.

 

I am not playing hard to get games, but I worked hard the past 2 months to be okay again, and I am. I care about him deeply, but he must earn my trust again, and just not assume there is an empty place in my life left by him. I miss him, but I am a whole person on my own.

 

Does this make any sense?

[asdf1234]

I understand completely!

 

It was extremely hard for me the first month, and luckily I found this site just to gain insight on what others did. About a month ago, he wanted to get back together again, and I told him to think about it to see if he was sure he wanted to get back together. I was still hesitant at the time. Two-three weeks later, he became distant again and after I couldn't take it anymore, I was upfront and asked him if he wanted to be together and his reply was, "...I don't know."

 

Be careful, as he may change his mind again. The reasonable thing to do, I think, is that if YOU want to get back together and are hesitating, definitely take it slow. Maybe he'll get comfortable again and start questioning things again, or maybe he'll get comfortable and WANT to keep it that way by staying together. You probably won't know unless you take it slow...

 

If you don't want to get back together or feel that you'd be too uncomfortable with the situation to get back together this easily (that's where I am right now), at least you KNOW now that you can make it on your own. I knew 2 months ago that I would make it on my own, but I thought it'd take me at least 6 months to really be okay... I'm sooo glad I gained my "self" back sooner than I thought.

[vicki]

I guess I am worried that he might change his mind again. He thought that I was gone for good, and if he actually does get me back, will the same old feelings he had resurface (that the grass is greener...), or will he remember how unhappy he was without me?

 

You always think that if the dumper finally realized they made a big mistake that they would come back, beg for your forgiveness, tell them how much they missed you, (he did all of this and more) and it would be the happy ending that we all wait for. But in reality, it is only a precarious beginning.....

[asdf1234]

Yeah, it definitely is a difficult situation. My ex recently said that he wants to get back together again and he too has said all the things I wanted to hear... but I still told him I can't give him an answer. He also brought roses, and he's not a very big flower-giving guy. I haven't talked to him in a few days, but we'll see what happens. Maybe he'll get to a point where he will do anything to keep me, or maybe I'll get to a point where I don't care anymore about what happened and want to start something again (knowing that I won't be 100% happy, which I don't want to do)...

 

I hope you do what makes you happy. That is, ultimately, what matters most...

[kimmie11479]

hey, guys can I join in and ask a few questions? I'm going through a break up it's been two months and I would hope one day I will be in your shoes. Did you both implelment the NC rule???