My Secret best "mate"

[bobster]

Basically I would like some views from you good people on this one....

 

I have been best mates with this guy from high school, when we left we stayed as is and done football, shopping in the city, drinking and went to parties together.

 

I got my GF when I was 18 but that didn't change anything, as they already knew each other. He never had any GF's in school, not because he's ugly or anything, he just didn't.

 

Anyway we always hung out in groups more so when my other mates got GF's and the group grew. But that all stopped for my "mate" when he met a group of young girls on his way home from work three years ago.

 

He is going out with one of them now, and he keeps her secret. No-one is allowed to meet her and her friends. He has even bought a house in the country so to keep her locked away. He doesn't come out to socialise at all now, and he's always getting pestered on his mobile when he does eventually come out.

 

He occasionally phones me with great plans of getting a social meeting organised but its all a big fantasy and never happens or he doesn't show up.

 

What I'm annoyed about is, for years I've confided in him, he was my best mate, and now he's a secret person with this young girl (legal just!)

 

He won't even come out with me and my GF as a four for a meal!

 

Is he trying to re-live his youth or what? He's going to be a very lonely person, when she leaves him, and the question is will I be around for him??

 

He would be my first choice of my Best Man, but now I'm not so sure as I hardly know him now!

[boonpop]

A good friend of mine told me that I will always know who my true friends are because after the party's over, my true friends will be around to help me clean up. You chose a few interesting words when you asked if you will even be around after she leaves him. It's almost as if you know she's going to leave, or deep down, is it that's what you hope will happen. I can't honestly give you a reason he doesn't hang out with you guys as much as he used to. maybe the younger girl he's with has a trail of issues that follow her and he ( your best mate) is afraid you all won't accept her. There can be a number of reasons for his secrecy, but what I do detect in your message is that you are a tad bit jealous. Now don't take that the wrong way, but if he is your best mate like you say he is, why would you question him being the best man at your wedding just because he's living his life out with some young heart. I can understand that as a group, you all have history and now it feels like he's betraying that by keeping secrets, but if that's your buddy, than that's your buddy and truth is he hasn't changed much, and yes you will be there after the party's over.

My advice, plan a guy's night out where just the two of you can talk and remind him of his roots. Sometimes relationships tend to blind us and we can all use a little reminder of who we were before the significant other.

[Roasted Carrots]

I would definitely have a nice, long talk with your best mate. From my standpoint, he's locked inside of a country home all day with just him and his youg wife, reliving old fantasies of his youth. Does he have a history of mental disorders or depression...because that's sure what it looks like to me. Encourage him to see a doctor, or arrange a house visit for him.

 

If mental health has been ruled out, perhaps your best mate just wants a different lifestyle. It looks like his whole life changed the day he met his wife. And as mentioned by boonpop, perhaps he's afraid she won't be accepted because of her age or a variety of other reasons. Perhaps she has problems of her own, perhaps they're planning a family and do not want the added stress of socializing.

 

The best way to solve this problem is to have a heartfelt talk with your best mate. Lay out all your concerns without accusing him, and remind him that you're still friends (that is, if you're still willing to call him one). If he's more comfortable having you as a guest in his house, socialize with him and his wife there.

 

The best of luck to you. Keep us posted!

[bobster]

Thanks guys for your posts!

 

Roasted C's -- With Regards to depression or mental state, he was brought up by his mum in her parent's (his Grandparents) house who are quite money-orientated. He has only met his dad 3 times and says he hates him.....for running out when he was a baby. This could be a factor? couldn't it?

 

Talking to him about this makes him clam up and he gets really annoyed, and can be quite unpredictable in his actions. My GF has tried the one to one with him and he just feeds her (and me) I'm quite happy stuff etc. Clearly he isn't and makes remarks on to how lucky I am in my life.

 

I know he has spent a fortune on his girl, and her family. Her family need ed a place to stay.....so he rented a flat for them to stay in, he bought her a car etc. I think he is scared of her dad as he's quite vicious,

 

He has been drinking in public bars easily since he was 15 so I suppose he was always like an older brother to me, maybe now hes trying to be a father to her.

 

As for his new house, I couldn't even tell you his address or the phone number, I asked for it but....I didn't get it.

 

Its almost as if this girl has some sort of hold on him, I'm not jealous by the way, just really concerned he cant have a normal relationship like some of my other friends (who are a good few years younger than me).

 

Cheers.

[bobster]

I think my mate has finally lost it. He unexpectedly popped round to my place earlier to drop off fireworks to se off "some time", I said tonight? He said he was busy and should get on with stuff.

 

That led to me having a talk to him about his young lady, then he lets rip with "well I can't get it off of anyone else can I" then he stormed away.