In an LTR and my libido is WAY down due to living situation! HELP!!!

[CookieMonster8]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. He is 25 and I'm 27. I still live at home with the parents saving to hopefully buy a place and he moved home 7 months ago to save up money as well, not to mention his roommates got into some serious drugs and it wasn't healthy to live there anymore. Ever since then we now have an hour commute between us. We have handled it really well and adjusted fine. We see each other only on the weekends though and I'll either go to his parents place to spend the night or he'll stay here. Prior to all this we had sex 3-4 times a week when he had his own apartment and now it's maybe once or twice depending on if we can get alone time while living with our parents. It's starting to get really old and frustrating. He wants to mess around any opportunity even if people are in the other room and I've explained to him that I have a mental block about it and can't get turned on knowing a family member is in the other room. It feels very high school and it's killing my libido.

 

Before sex used to be more in the moment or I'd really want it and now it's like if we get a window of free time we have to sneak it in real fast, no foreplay, and I really can't let myself enjoy it anymore because I'm always worried someone will come home. We have planned trips and weekends away so that we do have time alone together but even he is starting to notice that I never want to get physical anymore due to our circumstances. It feels very, wam, bam thank you ma'am and completely kills the mood. The times I am able to get rid of the mental block our sex life is amazing but this living with our parents thing is taking a toll. We are both catholic so we don't think we want to live together prior to marriage but this whole thing started to get to me and I don't know what to do to bring back the once sexy girl who really liked to have sex with the guy she loves.

[alwaysmoving]

The times I am able to get rid of the mental block our sex life is amazing.

 

How are you able to get rid of the mental block sometimes?

[CookieMonster8]

Usually if I know for certain we have a couple hours alone then I'm able to relax a little and don't feel like we need to rush through things and am happy knowing we can just enjoy each other. For example when he came over the other day we had one of the best times together in awhile because I knew my parents would be gone for the night. It was passionate, loving and satisfying. But I feel like I need to be in just the right state of mind to get turned on. Like if we go to bed and he's expecting us to have sex I'm turned off. Is that weird? I need to be in the moment to be really into it I guess. I can't just do it out of the blue. Why did God make us woman so complicated? hahaha!

[EricaNicole]

I understand perfectly! I live with my parents part of the year, roommates the other part, and my boyfriend lives with his mom. It is VERY rare that we get time alone together, and I'm very paranoid about having sex when there's a possibility someone could hear, so paranoid that I can't enjoy it because I'm so busy trying to hold the bed still. It's really put a damper on my own sex life.

 

I know it's not a fun way to be. My boyfriend and I are almost always in the mindset that we're not going to have sex because we're so used to not being able to. Since we think like that, it's still spontaneous when we do because sex isn't the first thing on our list when we get time alone.

 

It's respectable that you want to stay true to your religion by not moving any together, but you're very likely to have this problem until you move in together. You've just gotta work around it.

[CookieMonster8]

Thanks so much for responding EricaNicole. It's helpful to know there are other people going through this same thing.

 

I'm so on the fence about whether or not we should live together. We talk about it but we are both iffy due to our religious beliefs. While his family is very against in my parents have urged us to live with someone before marriage to make sure your compatible living together and to get used to each others quirks so that by the time you get marriage your used to each other.

 

My therapist on the other hand is highly against it because she says the divorce rate for people living together before marriage is much higher. I just wish I could come to make my OWN decision about it and be 100% sure I'm doing the right thing. I feel as though if I can come to a conclusion about it then I can move on to the next phase of my life. I'm currently trying to find my own place to live but living on my own would mean I'd be saving much less money. Ahh! Being an adult stinks sometimes.

 

Either way, my boyfriend has been pretty understanding about me not feeling like getting physical but it's really annoying to have to constantly push his affection away. I'm so grateful to be with someone who wants me all the time but it's ruining my libido so much to be home with my family and him with his. We'll continue to figure it out I'm sure but it's just been getting to me lately.

 

How do you guys deal with it? How do you personally overcome your libido issues so that the "fire can still burn" so to speak?

[EricaNicole]

I personally have a fairly low sex drive anyway, so it's not a huge deal to me if we don't have sex everytime or even almost everytime that we see each other. I know that sometimes it drives him crazy when we haven't had a chance to do it lately, though. When the mood strikes and we're unable to get away, we do other things. Excuse the graphic nature of what I'm about to say, but here's a couple of the things you can do as long as you're, if nothing else, alone in the room:

 

- Masturbate next to each other. It's really hot to watch the other do it, and the soft moans and whatnot make it even better. This is my boyfriend and I's most used outlet.

- Tease each other. If you know you can't do it right then but you'll be able to before long, talk about what you're going to do to each other when you get away. It'll make it so much more exciting when you've both been craving it.

- Sexting. I'm not big on it, but I hear it works for other people.

- Send dirty pictures to each other (I guess that's technically sexting?)

- Phone sex. When you're not in the same place, get into a dark room, get under the covers, put the phone close to your mouth, and say things you'd never dare utter to anyone else. If you're not a clever speaker, my boyfriend loves when I just moan into the phone for him.

None of the above are that creative, I know. Just remember that you don't have to be naked ontop of each other to keep the sex life spicy.

 

Something else I think you should think about is this: Relationships should be mature. Mature means that, even though you respect your families' opinions, you make your own decisions. Your therapist is trying to turn you into a statistic. Just because statistics say people generally act a certain way doesn't mean you'll act the same way. To be honest I would never marry somebody I haven't lived with no matter what statistics say. No disrespect to your religion intended, but how do you know you can even stand to live with someone if you never have?

 

I hope it's okay that I ask this, but haven't you already violated the rules of your religion by having sex before you're married in the first place? I know two wrongs don't make a right, but... ya know.

 

One of you finding your own place is probably the easiest solution to this problem. That way you'll always have somewhere to be alone, and if you occasionally spend the night, you'll have at least a vague idea of what living with him is like without having to violate your faith and move in together.

 

I know family is important, but you're not going to be able to make everybody happy, and you and your boyfriend being happy is really the only thing that matters in this situation. I hope you both do what is right for you.

[CookieMonster8]

Thanks so much EricaNicole. Thanks for all the tips. I'll have to try some of those.

 

You have some good points about living together before marriage and these are the reasons I'm on the fence. I want to know I'm compatible living with someone before I marry them but don't want to end up living with someone and say it isn't everything I want...it's easier to end up settling and getting married anyway because it's hard to break up with someone you've gotten used to sharing your life day in and day out with them. That's why my therapist advises against it. If you're going to get married you love each other enough to work through the quirks of living together and figure out how to compromise. IDK..I'm going to continue to save my money a little longer and probably get my own place soon. Not just for US but for ME.

 

 

Thanks for everything!

[EricaNicole]

You're very welcome!

 

Here's a few more words of wisdom in response to what you just said:

 

Yes, it's difficult to separate yourself from somebody you've spent day to day life with, but a break up conversation and a period of disappointment until you move on would be a whole lot easier to deal with than the long, grueling divorce process, being forced to split your assets, and the pain from the fact that you had a wedding in celebration of your would-have-been life long relationship and the knowledge that you broke those vows. People like to think that marriage will fix or prevent issues in the relationship, but the fact is that certain things will irritate you just as much whether you're married or not.

 

I'm not trying to convince you one way or another. Just laying out the facts. I'm confident that both of you will make an educated decision that is right for you.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world! I'm glad I could be of assistance.

[CookieMonster8]

Very true. I gotta come to a conclusion on all this. Hopefully I figure out exactly what's best for me soon. Good luck to you as well!