Please Help! VERY, VERY, Confused

[sickofbeingsad]

Hello everyone. I was in a 6year relationship that ended back in December that all of a sudden came to a screeching halt. I knew that she wanted to marry me but didnt know that the relationship had reached a critical state. She would cry to and confide in my friends and say that she couldnt understand whyI wouldnt marry her. She told me that she was tired and couldnt take anymore and moved out. I will admit that I was selfish and didnt consider her needs a priority. Right after she left I tried to apologize and give her a ring butshe said that she didnt want it like this, so I didnt push the issue. We we on the roller coaster for about 5 months. She would tell me to move on because she didnt know what she wanted and then call me for something stupid just to talk to me. Finally after being told that she didnt believe that I have changed and that she was scared to come back because I may start neglecting her again after we are married I stopped trying back in June. Since the breakup when we haven spoke in a few weeks I would get blocked phone calls,I know that its her calling. She stopped coming to our church back in March and a couple ofweeks ago she just shows up after calling me and blocking the number the night before. We didnt speak, I dont even know if she saw me I didnt sit in my regular spot. She sat in front of where I normally sit too makesure that I saw her. Then last week as soon as she got to work at 8:15 she calls me at my desk at work and leaves me a message saying Happy Birthday and hoped that I was doing well and then says BYE! Hunh??? and then at 8:30 she sends me a e-card saying HB and wishesme many,many more, signed take care and Luv Always, D. WHAT GIVES!!??? Is she really confused or playing games? Her firend told me long ago that since I made her wait for a ring now its time for me to wait! I believe that she still loves me but what is she trying to prove. By the way she is 29 wants kids but dosent have any.

 

HELP!! I AM CONFUSED!

[MrMikeWikowski]

Well, I think I can relate a bit to your story. I didn't want to marry my ex either, even though I loved her to death. I didn't understand how important it was to her. So, now she is very much my ex. (with a lot of painful history for me)

 

So, you realize your mistakes, but think that it is probably too late. However, now your ex is contacting you again, and you don't know how to take it.

 

I imagine that your ex knows that you still love her. I also imagine that your ex still loves you too. However, things are very messed up. You didn't meet her needs, and she left. You realized your mistakes, and tried to salvages the situation. As in my case, it was too late.

 

However, your story may not be over. Yet, before you do anything else I ask you to think about what you really want, now that time has passed. Do you really 100 percent love this woman? Are you prepared to deal with all of the bagage that you both have created if you decided to get back together? If you answer no to either question, then you know that it is best to not contact her and move on in your life.

 

However, if you really still do want to be with her (as I do with my ex), then you need not to contact as well. Take time to think about things, before you do anything rash - like asking her to marry you again She needs to know that you are not going to be waiting in the wings for her. I have learned that people don't value things if they are too easy. Don't be easy for her. Most women want a strong, confident man, who is sure of themselves. Don't get all exciting about getting backtogether and go off of the deep end. Calm, Confident and slow would be my words of wisdom.

 

Hope that helps. Feel free to ignore it, as I am a long way from my ex.

 

Mike

[sickofbeingsad]

Hey thanks. Do you guys think that she is just testing the waters with me to see if iam still waiting for her or giving me closure saying that she is not coming back by saying take care and LuvAlways? After all we haven spoken in 2 and a half months. We didnt even run into each other when she came to church. I think that it was obvious that she was there to see me.

 

I just found out that my sisters BF saw her at a club the week before and had a chat with her and opened right up to him without him even mentioning my name. Do you thinkshe is still trying to saveface with her friends because when they broke up with their BFs the stayed apart for a year before getting back together. My sisters BF says that she could tell that she knows that she has me in her pocket by saying that she is taking a break from it for right now because what we were trying to work it out wasnt working.

 

I dont know what to think...

[SteveNaive]

I would say don't read too much into things. It is kind of a girl thing to tell you they will always love you when they break up with you. Happened to me a couple of times. They do not really mean it in a sense of "Loving" you...it is more they don't want to part on bad terms and it supposedly makes things easier for the one they leave as they tell him they still "love" him...

 

I would be careful and try not to read too much into things. If she really wants to get back with you I think she will give you CLEAR signs. This one here was just a birthday mail where she tried to be nice... And that "my sisters bf says that she said..." thing...oh, well...

 

And just btw...why is it so obvious that she wants to see you when she goes to your church? If she really wanted to "see" you, why does she not just come up and talk to you? Again...I think you should not read too much into things...

[sickofbeingsad]

Oh I forgot to mention that I never responded to the BD card and phone call with a thankyou or anything. Should I have said something or would it have been a sign that I am still here if you want me. Some say that maybe she is trying toget her foot back in the door by calling and sending the e-card. Most people dont care to send anything or do one or the other, not send a card and call. Maybe I am reading too much into it.

 

Mike, I do love her 110% and I can deal with any baggage from the breakup other than her sleeping with someoneelse. I am not too worried about that at this point because she is not that type of girl.

 

I just dont know ifshe is still that confused after all this time or just checking in or just being cordial because it was my BD. I want her back I want to send her flowers or a card I just need to know what her intentions are. Its like she is scorned, she moved out just saying that she was tired and has never gave me a chance to do anything. Everything that I did she acted like I was trying to manipulate and control the situation. I was just trying to get her to soften up and talk to me. Even now I can tell it in her voice that she is very cold and hard and has a big wall up agianst me.

[sickofbeingsad]

Steve, this was our church together. I asked her why she stopped coming back in March and she said that she had found another church to go to closer to her house and was kinda nasty and cold when she said it. I took it like she was being truthful especially when I hadnt seen her in church in so long. I do NC for 2 and a half months, she sees my sisters BF, opens up to him, calls and blocks her number, shows up at church after not being there in 6 months, sits right in front of where I usually sit (she has never sat ther before, EVER) , calls me as soon as she gets to work at 8:15 on my BD, then follows it up with a e-card 10 mins later (I know she was waiting for a response because she sent it so early she had been thinking about it and I usually respond immediately but this time I never did.

 

May be its just me but I have noticed her behavior patterns over the past 9 months. We have always been on good terms no need say Luv Always she knows that I am not mad at her, afterall wehavent spoken in 2.5 months it seems that I have moved on because before I was trying to talk to her at least every 2 weeks when she would l contact me for something stupid. She said that there is nothing out there (men) so why wont sheat least be civil to me???

[sickofbeingsad]

Does anybody else have anything to say????

[SteveNaive]

Maybe she is really just trying to be nice with that Birthday Card?!

 

It's not that you need to have a particular reason for that, especially seeing as you said you are on "good" terms. Then again, I wonder why she would act "cold" towards you when you approach her. I somehow do not get the feeling from what you tell that she really is trying to get back with you. Maybe it is sort of a: "I wanna see whether he still is allright."

 

It may even be that sometimes she is thinking about you and missing you...but again, I would try not to read too much into things. Just because she sat where she never sat before doesn't mean she wants to be noticed...and even if, what does that prove? Sometimes people just do things without really having a "proper" reason for it... (especially if they are female...lol)

 

Do not read to much into what you think she is doing. If she really was trying to get back, I think you definitely would get a clear sign. It may be, she is juts checking whether she still could have you...maybe not. But unless you get a clear sign from her I would not try to run after her with sedning flowers or stuff like that. In most cases things like these backfire and you end up pushing someone away...

 

However, I don't think it would be wrong for you to contact her and at least tell her thank you for the birthday card. A "thank you", but not more. And see where it goes from there. How she reacts...whether she contacts you again...

 

If you really want to get back with her, take things slow. Desperation has never been a good advisor!

 

Good luck and keep us updated!

[sickofbeingsad]

Steve, do you think that I can really get her back. Its been so long she may not even love me the same anymore. Everything that I try she shoots it down, like she will ask me why I love her and want to be with her. When I answer she acts like I am lying and thinks I am just trying to get my way and manipulate the situation. I cant win I am in a catch 22. Back in May she told me that the trust is gone and maybe its too late instead of just saying so she drags me through the mud instead of just closing the door on the relationship. I wonder if her friends are still influencing her. She asked me to go to counsiling with her back in october but I couldnt see that we had a problem. But now that I see where she was coming from she wont give any effort - 0. I dont see why our relationship couldnt be fixed I never cheated, hit her or cursed her badly. We both have the same goals but now she says that she is rethinking the whole marriage and kids thing. She is 29 I say thats bull_hit and thats just her wall that she has up talking. She has always wanted a family. I was just selfish (not to say thats OK) and didnt care to spend time with her friends. She said that if we got back together I would have to make more of an effort to spend time with her friends. Any effort I make to contact her and keep a convo going she will all of a sudden shut me out and say something mean - is this a scorned woman that I am seeing. I have always heard of them but never dealt with one.

 

Thanks