Still need help! In conflict, female perspectives wanted!

[RayF]

Hey guys, any imput would be great but female perspectives is what i am interedated in a little more.

 

i'm still in allot of conflict over what to do. heres a quick recap.

 

-Really good hearted and never mean or spiteful girl breaks up with me because she feels pressured with relationship reponsabilitues and frustration about bickerings. Still tells me she feels passion for me and loves me (and is still "in love" with me).

 

- I tell her she should never contact me unless she wants to get backtogether because it's not fair to me. i need her out of my life to move on.

 

-I later write her a letter, saying i respect your needs but don't agree with your decision. If you need to, you can contact me, if not, thats fine.

 

-Three or four weeks later i get an email. Compleatly casual, about nothing but miniscule stuff, acting liek nothing happened. The only mention of the letter is "sorry i never contacted you since you sent me that letter, have been busy" (i know thats BS btw). generally upbeat asking a few minor questions like how was your trip? Ends in "talk to you soon".

 

I'm trying to figureout what she is doing.

 

She's smart enough not to lead me on because she knows that would be unfair to me, she anyalizes EVERYTHING to death. Theres no way this wasn't carefully thought out.

 

Is it likeley she's testing the water because she regrets her decison? Is she fishing for self satisfaction knowing i don't hate her? Is she missing me and hoping she can still have mein her life one way or another?

 

Keep in mind, her feelings for me never changed, she just felt "trapped" but still told me she was deeply in love with me and knewshe was lucky to have me.

 

What would you be thinking if you did this.

 

What should I do?

 

I'm willing to risk gettign an emotional setback if it's worth it. If it's not... I really don't want to contact her. Let her wonder, she hasno right to know whats going on in my life.

[fortunecookie595]

look, this girl probably still likes you, she probably just wants to keep the communication lines still open, so if she does decide to come back, u'll still be on good terms. but she might have said that she "feels presure from responsibilities and bickerings" and to girls that means, "i dont want to have any responsibilities w/ YOU" but, she says she still loves u, hmm, did she say she loves you, or shes IN LOVE with you. maybe she just wants u to want her more. AGH! now im overanalyzing things. whoops. okay. just give me some more details.

[RayF]

Nope.

 

She Told me she was still IN LOVE with me,

 

told me she knew she was lucky to have me

 

Scared to death she would regret this someday

 

acted 100% normal three days before even got me a thoughtfull gift

 

Felt liek she wanted to do whatever she wanted to whenever she wanted to

 

has allot of personal issues, such as an anxiety dissorder claimedshewanted to work on, but failed to have any answers for me when iasked her about what she planned do about them

 

 

felt like she didn't know who she was because she spent so much time worrying abut stuff, if we would break up etc when we had a fight (keep in mind she has an anxiety dissorder)

[JohnnyTable]

I feel that if she was deeply in love with you, then she would want to be in a relationship with you and would not have left due to the pressure. The love would win over pressure and make it worth it. Maybe she is scared.

 

I find her e-mail offensive in that she didn't have "time" to reply to your other message. How long does it take to say, "I got your message, thanks for letting me know" or something like that? You are correct in that it is BS.

 

I'm not sure what I would do. I would not respond to her questions without being vague. I would either not respond at all, or respond in a way that gives her NOTHING yet still has a response. Like being a good politician, talking without any words meaning anything or having vast interpretation.

 

This way she cannot say that you are playing a game and ignoring her, yet you are not giving her what she wants.

 

You were clear that you did not want her contacting you unless it was to be together. This is a test... did you mean it? Perhaps you should respond simply with the SAME e-mail that you originally sent her describing the conditions that you want her to contact you in (or was this vocal?)

 

What do others think?

[RayF]

Good points johnny.

 

See thatswhy i'm so on the fence.

 

Of course we could say it might be passive agressivness, it might be because she just misses me so much but still wants to be apart,

 

but what if it's this? What if she still feels in love with me, and thatfeeling DOES outweigh the pressures...wants it to work out, but is scared of us fighting, or scared of it not working ifwe try agian. this is justa way totestthe waters, see if wecan be on good terms, see if it feels right.

 

but your right, it is offensive she not mention the letter oranything abouyt it, it;s VERY offensive she said she had no time to reply. believe me thats not even true, you're right how long does it take to give thesimple shout thatshe got it? i have heard form other people she was looking terrible and all down, and this was a couple of weeks after the breakup.

 

what i specified i n the letter is that she could contact if she needed to. But said nothing that would make her think that i wanted to try and be friends. NOTHING that would imply it would bealright and perfectly normal to email me about nothing in particular.

[JohnnyTable]

Then if she wanted to be with you and truly loves you, she would have to try harder if you don't respond.

 

Imagine that you were in her shoes: If you left somebody and truly wanted to get back together with that person, would a non-response to a useless e-mail really stop you? If it does, then it is not love in my book. It is her responsibility to come knock your door down to get you back if she "truly" loves you. The NC rule does not work for the dumper getting the dumpee back very well

 

However, she might be testing the waters to at least see if she can get a rseponse if she wants to. When I did NC with my ex I was not responding to her e-mails. Eventually she freaked out "in case she had to contact me about something important."

[fortunecookie595]

ok, she obviously has a lot of problems. and i think maybe she has a lot of stuff to work out. if i were u, i would offer to help, but stay on the sidelines until she asks you for it. and please dont try to get too invovled in her issues if they seem to be very personal. this could turn into conflict. also, dont get so caught up with her problems that they become your own problems. u may not kow what you're getting into. let her decide if she needs your help, but by the looks of it, i dont think she wants too mush contact right now. i hope that helps.