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Long road back from hell...


Guest EventHorizon

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Guest EventHorizon

Hello There,

 

I'm new to this forum, and thought it'd be nice to start out with a journal on my current recovery from severe depression / anxiety.

 

I won't get into the details right now, but at the moment I am on 150 mg Effexor XR (venoflaxine xr) and 25mg of Proponolol. I've been on these two medications for roughly a year and a half, and they have provided me the support I've needed to get back on my feet and sort out my problems.

 

I will go into detail about where I've been, what I've tried, how I've gotten to this point, and where I'll be in the future.

 

Thanks for stopping by to read this short introduction.

 

Have a nice day

 

 

 

EventHorizon

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest EventHorizon

Growing up, I was a pretty shy kid. Due to some health issues as a child, I wasn't able to be very active in sports... but I did play some baseball and soccer for a little while. I made all of my friends at school and got along well with pretty much everyone, so life was great as a child.

 

Then in grade 8, my parents moved to a new city and I was forced into a new / different social environment. I wasn't able to cope and social anxiety began to set in for me. I protected myself by turning introvert, and as my parents usually made my decisions for me I wasn't able to make my own. I couldn't be bold, or stand up for myself because I was so dependent on those around me.

 

High School wasn't too bad, I was able to make friends by grade 10 and they stayed with me until graduation. In university everyone seemed to go their separate ways though. I was never big into drinking so when everyone began to go to clubs and bars, I generally stayed home and that seemed to drive my friends away from me. To add to the stress, I was failing at University and had no idea where I was supposed to take my life. I needed some time off.

 

I had a job at a retail store and that's where I stayed for the following five years. I became comfortable with my new friends at work, and a year after starting University... I dropped out to figure out what I wanted out of life. That's when a friend of mine introduced me to Marijuana. I loved the stuff a little too much because it fed my desire to introspect. I spent hours and hours of time alone, and would buy ounces of weed to smoke on my own.

 

I became addicted to marijuana, and started pulling money off my credit card to make sure I had a steady supply. I was high 24/7 and it allowed me to go into great depths within my mind. Of course, never remembering anything... Due to the stress of University I had fallen into a depression... especially seeing all my old friends excel and leave me behind.

 

To get out some of that stress, I made a website and filled it with many emo quotes and images. It was a good outlet for my pain, but it wasn't enough. Soon I started cutting myself and contemplating suicide. The friend who introduced me to marijuana also introduced me to Salvia. My first experience was fun, and I didn't go deep into my mind. My second experience was a study of my subconscious which brought out the truth of my struggle. I had always been doing what my parents told me and I never took the time to do what I wanted. So I was stuck in a constant tug of war with myself and my family. It was interesting how Salvia painted a clear picture in my mind to interpret my emotions. The final Salvia high was the kicker... I went so deep, I saw life flash before me and the end of my life approaching. When it finally reached me I jumped up and yelled "I'M NOT READY TO DIE!" and from that moment on I realized what it was that I had to do.

 

>

 

I continued at my job and had made up my mind to go back to school. I didn't know what I wanted to do, or where I wanted to study. I knew that I had to deal with my addiction and my debt first. I wasn't sure how to get out of this mess, but around this time my cousin approached me with concern.

 

She mentioned my website and how withdrawn I had become in my family. She asked if I needed help, and wanted me to promise that I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. I had been cutting my arm, and I still bare the scars to this day. Cutting was my way of coping with my emotional pain at the time. I know shortly afterwards that I would need the help of my parents, so I wrote out my issue with debt and school... and they already knew I had a problem with marijuana so I hadn't planned on mentioning it anymore with them. Overall I felt ashamed for all I had done.

 

This was the beginning of the turning point in my downfall. I had hit rock bottom, and soon would begin the slow steady climb to a better life.

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