need advice S.O.S

[Bammbi]

i was abused by my step-dad's father and a friend of the family from the age of 6 up until i was 15, i was also violently abused by my step-dad. my mother as only just found out and she's taking it really hard and it's affecting our relationsip and shes blaming herself, i'm trying to stay strong for her but i dont know what i can do to help, i'm only 18 and i dont know what its going to be like in the future for her or even from me, please help me i need advice i don't know what i can do to help her. i can deal with it on my own...i have been so far... well kind of it's my mum im worried about

 

is there any hope?

[meoww]

I know you're worried about her, but you should really be worried about yourself too. I used to be the stoic, strong type too, who thought she could handle anything. Turns out I was wrong! You need to deal with what happened to you. It probably hurts WAY more than you can even imagine.

 

As for your mom, I just hope she doesn't turn on you and start blaming you for what happened. I strongly suggest seeking outside help and getting counseling together as a family. Not the dad or other abusers of course. It's not good to keep these things secret, believe me. You need someone with an healthy outside perspective to help you through it.

 

Your mom probably has some major issues if she turned the other cheek to the abuse. (unless she really just didn't know)

I really hope for your sake, she is someone you can trust and that truly loves you. If not, you need to find someone to fill that role for you. Everyone needs love--and you really need a support network right now

[blueyes833]

I completely agree with meoww. I am a mother to a little girl and I cant imagine something like that happening to my daughter. I think I would blame myself as well. I would be thinking "there must have been red flags? warning signs? How could I not have known?" I take sole responsibility for anything and everything that happens to my child so if she was hurt under my care or the care of my "husband" or anyone else I deemed worthy of trusting her alone with it would unravel my very being. I would do absolutely anything to protect her from harm. Mothers dont just trust anyone with their children. I have spoken to my child about things like this and have told her to always tell Mom if something happens. Daily I ask what she did and what happened in her day. She is not left with anyone that I do not trust completely. I dont think I could ever forgive myself if something like that happned to my little girl. I dont mean to sound as though I am placing blame towards your mother, Im just trying to explain how I would feel if I was her. If you were my daughter I would be mortified and devistated. I would be furious with anger, self blame and hatred towards those that harmed you.

 

You both do need to seek help. You cant just "deal" . One day it will be too much to handle if you do not seek help. I would be in therapy the next day if I was your mother. You do need to take care of you and seek professional guidance. This is not the sorta thing that will just slowly even out and dissappear.

 

Did your Mom know this was happening to you? Did she ever even suspect anything?

 

Im sorry that you have been hurt and abused. (If mom was clueless) Im sorry for the pain she is going through as well.

[Bammbi]

no my mum didnt have a clue she was grieving about the loss of my brother and the fact that my dad killed him, and violently abused her. A family member tried to warn the whole as she has also been what i've been through but everyon thought she was mad as she has mental issues but to her abuse as a child. and when they asked i denyed it all up until last year when my step-dads dad confessed the other man was murdered. i understand that but its hard to remember things so i dont think counciling would be any good for me i know its happened but i can't even begin to start, my mums getting help for it as she's been dependent on me since she lost my brother, and shes just been realised from a mental hospital, she reckons that i'm going to end up in there. should i be worried? i'm only a kid myself really but i just want her to be okay. we've never really been close, so i've never talked to her about it, she says she's worried about me and i need to talk about it but i just don't know how =S

 

thank-you

[suxa]

Bammbi,

 

You are fine. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with you. I just dealt with my terrible past this year, and you know what, I remembered things I didn't even realize that had happened to me. As children, we don't have the ability to deal with such ugly things so we pretend that it didn't happen and bury them so deep down that we almost 'forget' them, but if you try hard enough, and you have good people pushing you, you'll remember it all, no matter how hard it is.

 

You should seek professional help for yourself and your mom. You probably need separate as well as joint counseling.

 

You are not going to end up in a mental institution. You have ALREADY begun to deal with your issues by posting comments to this thread. I'm over my 30s, and this happened to me when I was 6. I'd say you're on the right track and you're dealing with things at the right age. You're only 18, and you have your whole life ahead of you.

 

Remind her what happened isn't her fault. Bad things happen to good people. Good people didn't do anything to deserve it. And you two will be fine.

Much love, Bammbi. Trust me. You'll get through this if you force yourself to face everything. Stop burying things unconsciously.

[Bammbi]

thank-you for the great advice suxa very much!! x