what do you think? please let me know.

[jbug]

my girl asked for a "break" about a month ago. we had a few talks in the beginning and she says... actions speak louder then words, she would have to see a change in me.

it sounds to me that the door is not closed. am i fooling myself??

ive been having a really hard past few days.

 

thanks

[lavenderdove]

No one can guess the odds of her coming back, especially if you don't give us much info on what the problem is... what does she want you to change about yourself, and is she the type to say what she means, or just say something like that to avoid confrontation?

[winniethepooh]

What change does she want to see in you? Is it something you can change? Want to change?

 

And more importantly, if you do change, will it really make a difference, or is she just saying that to avoid responsibility for her part in the relationship.

 

I would tell her "break" means "finished" ... unless something of significance changes, either from her or you or both.

[jbug]

when we first started dating i was doing more with my time. about 10 months in i fell off and became a bit needy and clingy. i stopped going to the gym and hanging with friends. bottom line is i was not happy with myself, and it showed. she wants me to get to a good place and shes smart enough to know that only i can do that for me.

 

she is for sure someone who says what they mean.

 

thanks

[winniethepooh]

Yeah, but there's two people in a relationship (hopefully) so her behaviour affects you, and your behaviour affects her.

 

You fell off sounds like an abrupt change rather than a gradual one. Was her behaviour at the time reasonable? Supportive?

 

You could say you know you can get back to how you were. You will. Does she want to be part of your life while you do? Because if not, there is no guarantee that you will want her to be part of your life when you get there. Maybe say so less bluntly but that's the idea.

 

If she's looking for an excuse to leave then it probably doesn't matter what you say though. Clingy and needy is a turnoff.

[EgoJoe]

I already told you to break up with her yourself. Want to reverse a needy a clingy trend? Step out into the unknown on your own volition. Tell her that maybe you'll talk to her in a few years. Don't talk to her, respond to contact for a minimum of six months, better yourself and hook up with other women.

 

You'll be stronger and definitely restore attraction whether you get back together or not (WHICH YOUR ODDS WILL DRASTICALLY IMPROVE as opposed to hanging on trying to show "change") It also means that down the road after ignoring her you're more than capable of starting up a conversation whenever YOU want.

[lavenderdove]

Why don't you just focus on you for a while then and get back in the saddle again. If you stopped doing things because you were depressed, then you might want to consider visiting a doctor to get treatment. Otherwise just work on getting to a place where you are happy with yourself again by addressing any issues that were making you fall off, and if she notices and comes back, fine, but if she doesn't come back, you are still much happier and improved and can feel good about yourself and look for someone new.

[jbug]

egojoe, she lives where i work. so i have to see her every now and then.

[EgoJoe]

Even better because the impact of ignoring her will be more resounding. If you want to do this. I'll help you through it. I can tell you what to expect etc. Let me know.

[jbug]

sine the "break" i have and see a dr weekly to help with depression (i made the first app before the break). when back to the gym, and picked out a 2nd job. started a new relationship with my older brother.

 

im not doing this for her, this is for me. and im not going to reach out to her no matter how much pain im in.

i will just leave her alone and hope she reaches me. i love this woman with all my heart.

[EgoJoe]

Bro, let me level with you. Your hope will become fear and your fear will become anxiety. That anxiety will turn into impulsive and compulsive behavior. You want to avoid that? Kill the hope. Kill the connection. Yank her safety net (and she is thinking this way) out from under her, RIGHT NOW!

 

This is the last I'll say about it. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about my rationale.

[winniethepooh]

started a new relationship with my older brother.

That sounds odd.

 

i love this woman with all my heart.

That's a feeling. And on its own is not a good reason for having a desire to get back together. Feelings change. It's tough for you now because you want to follow this feeling. Don't, because her feelings are not the same. Leave her alone until they are or until yours are gone.

[robk]

I'm in a very similar situation myself, although I was with my ex for 7 years. I became depressed and withdrawn after my mum died last year. When breaking up she said I need to make myself happy and sort myself out. It's six Weeks since the break up and like you I've been to the doctors, on medication and I feel like a new man. I don't know whether she'll want to try again, but I'm happy looking after myself for a change.

[jbug]

does anyone else have some insight?

 

thanks

[TomboyMS]

does anyone else have some insight?

 

thanks

 

Listen to EgoJoe. He speaks the truth.

[jbug]

this is so hard.

[emily2424]

i did this to my boyfriend. Focus on yourself..start doing things to make you happy. when she sees that your not depressed and lazy..and you start going to the gym and stuff she'll see that your back to yourself. she wants the guy she fell in love with. but she wants you to know she isn't moving on.....yet.

[jbug]

thanks emily, i really needed to hear that. i have been doing gym, work, stuff for me.