Winning her back..but she's in love with another guy!

[truelove]

Hey, i got a real challenge that i know is against all odds. basically she's ended it the other day to be with another guy she's known for a month (i was with her for over 4 yrs). she claims she loves him and wants to be with him. However....

the other day i asked her round and had another chat. i tried to convince her that we could make things really work. she sounded disgruntled however, she asked me what i proposed to do! (but not happy about it). shes not in love with me anymore but i know she would want to be again. Is this possible? The problem is that she would have to give up the other guy to give things a go. right? Im sure we could start over as im willing to put 110% into this, however, would she physically be able to stop seeing him just like that in order to focus everything into me? If she keeps seeing him whilst with me.. nothing will change as everyone will prefer the excitement of a new relationship (not to mention that their love could grow - if in love at all).. and i wont be a safety net if things go wrong.

 

I was also wondering whether (if she stopped all contact with him) her feeling would die down over time? say a few months? Is there anyway to go about this? during the second chat we've decided to have a week of NC to give her a bit of space and then perhaps give it a go. how do i go about actively suggesting she stops seeing the other guy?

 

I know this is going to be tough but im going to fight to the finish for her no matter what. we were eachothers first true love and shes someone that means everything to me. Any advice??

[RayF]

Honestly i can feel your pain about losing her.Being so connected to someone for four years and losing them, especially if it's not your decision is so hard.

 

My relationship was half as long, but i feel your pain.

 

I know this is hard to hear but honestly, you really have to ask yourself if you need someone who dosn't love you for who you are enough to run off with some stranger she barely knows. A four year relationshipto throw away on a fling?

 

Examine what went wrong, maybe you wern;t making her happy, ifsoyou have to ask yourself why that is. Regardless, youdeserve better than the treatment you're getting from her.

 

Theres a woman out there who's dying to have allthe effort you'd put into this girl and would want to make you happy too.

[NittanyKitten]

You... are an idiot. If she doesn't love you anymore, then all you would do by trying to force her to stay with you (yes, you would be forcing her to do that), is cause a ton of problems the 2 of you don't need. You need to either give her her space to see if she really wants to be with him or you. If things don't turn out for her with him, you can at least be a good friend and help her through it. I don't know if you'd be able to trust her after all this, but if you try and force her to stay with you, then she will not trust you, and your relationship really will die... at a rather rapid, painful pace... and I doubt the 2 of you would even be able to be friends after that!

[rich46]

Any advice??

Yes, stop stressing about this girl and making her out to be God's gift to men! She was your first love so you will always feel something special towards her. But how do you know that she is the one for you? I felt the same initially, but almost 5 weeks later and I can see that all is not lost. My ex was my first love but she was far from perfect, and if you look at your ex objectively I would wager that she isn't either (the fact that she is with another guy so soon is a good indication of this).

 

My advice? Stop thinking about ways to get back with her. Concentrate on yourself and leave her and her new man alone. You are better off without them.

 

Just my thoughts, as I hate to hear people who have been dumped talk like this.

 

Stay strong,

 

Rich

[sayer7]

I agree with kitten and rich!

 

If she says she's in love with the guy then just either try to move on or wait for awhile and see what happens between them. You must treat her and her new relationship with respect and give her and them space to make her own decisions. She not a child and you can't force her to do anything. I feel that asking her to dump the new guy will bring out a lot more resentment against you and it's not going to help you any trying to get back with her. I think it may even ruin your chances altogether.

 

Be a friend and watch from a distance. Friends are more content with seeing their loved ones happy. Trying to make their loved ones do what you want because you haven't moved on is self-fish and one-sided.

 

Just my two cents. Take it or leave it.

[Alabama]

It sounds that she doesn't love you anymore, and I know that you deeply care for her, but I would let her go; Sometimes in life you have to do things you normally do not want to do...she has moved on it seems, and you also need to. Let her be with the man she loves now, because if you take this road it could bring you misery and pain...but if this is the path you have chosen...good luck. 8)

[truelove]

im not trying to force her to be with me... if she does not want to give it a go then thats her choice. i was asking in the situation that she DOES wish to try again. Just like in any marriage or relationship, a lot of effort and input is required to make this things work. Thats what causes so many relationships to fail. A general sense of dissatisfaction that turns into a destructive force rather than a sign to refocus our attention back into them.

Our relationship always went smoothly. we were together for so long that things just turned routine and lost that romance that we had before. I also had a problem for a while when it came to displaying my feelings and this is what i believe caused her to have this affair. And like i said before, she really does want things to work.. but its hard for her now when she has these new feelings. She told me things would have been perfect had we tackled the issue a few months ago. I know she would be willing to try to sort things out but very unwilling to give him up, basically would probably want her cake and eat it. However, my question was whether it could ever be sorted out while she is with the other guy or would she have to give him up before we can make an attempt to get things back on track?

[anon728]

truelove, I am in the same situation, and I am not doing anything to try and get her back, except for bettering myself. At this point, the new relationship is exciting to her...and nothing you do could derail those feelings. Both of them are on a high right now. Let to buzz wear off, and if they stay together, then you have your answer. However, if the rebound does not continue, then if you have been working on yourself, you will be able to decide whether you even want her back, if she does come back.

[sayer7]

Wouldn't you rather her give up her new man so that you don't feel insecure about if she's being with another man on the side anyway? If she's unwilling to give him up then you have your answer as to IF she's interested in trying things again with you- it means she's not willing to give you a 100% shot at getting her back. Do you want that?

 

I simply don't feel trying to get back together with her is a good idea altogether. But it's your decision and I hope you make one that is right for you.

[Outlaw2747]

Love does some crazy things to all of us man. But you got to forget her. Would you really want someone that just wants out like that? I wouldn't. Once I find out a girl does not love me anymore I move on but I NEVER forget. You may have had fun times with this girl but think about it, do you really think she is just going to drop this guy and come back to you? And even if she did, what makes you think she just won't drop YOU for another? Get away from her, run as if she was a plague.