Long term relationship and sexual issues

[owl27]

My guy and I have been together for many years. We are best friends and have always had a great sex life as far as technique and performance. The problem now after all these years is lack of attraction, romance, and passion. I'm so tired of hearing from people that's just the way it is, get used to it....I've tried hinting to him about my wants and needs, I've tried telling him bluntly, and I have even asked what he would like me to do to make myself sexier for him. When I hint about things I want, that gets me nowhere. When I say it directly, he says he will try that sometime but then doesn't do it. I don't know how to tell him what would make me more physically attracted to him w/o hurting his feelings. He is both passive and stubborn. So he's too laid back to "work" at our relationship but also gets a bit defensive if I get critical, even if I say it in a nice way. He says I should just be happy with the way he is, that he is a great guy in other ways (which he is). I think he wants me to just accept things as they are.

I've read so many books about relationships. I've tried toys, outfits, etc. He doesn't seem to need or want that. He'll go along with it for awhile. When I ask, he says it turns him on. But he's just so neutral about things. I want him to really WANT me and show it and I want him to care whether i want him or not.

I do a lot of grooming and he doesn't at all, let alone want to change his look or be a little sexier. I know he loves me and I love him but we're having sex less and less often. It's sad.

[PaintWithLight]

What are the ages involved? I understand how you feel and you need to make it clear to him that you do not just want things to slowly fade away. This is a common standoff where after enough years, one or both people just get comfortable and take their foot off the gas. There is no way to motivate another person to value what you want. They either see the importance or else they do not care. It is no coincidence that one of the red flags of cheating or getting ready to break off a relationship is a sudden increased interest in appearance and grooming. He is asking you to settle for a standard that a woman he was dating would never agree to. Perhaps you have outgrown this relationship?

[owl27]

We are in our mid-forties. We've been through a lot together--good and bad. I didn't want to get into too much detail about it here but we have been very very close for years but had the mid life crisis thing happen and thought we were over. Now we're in the stages of trying to make it work again. My counselor told me that what attracts us in the beginning can later drive us away. In my case, it's that he's very laid back. In the beginning, that was great for me with my personality. Now I just see it as lazy. I used to think he didn't love me but he has proven to me over many different events that he is very loyal and does love me. He's just gone from laid back to lazy (as far as appearance, romance, etc). Sounds so cliche but he's not passionate about anything except sports! We've been to counseling. I just feel that we have too many good things to give up. I keep going back and forth about it. Is it really okay to end things over small issues? I just don't know anymore. I don;t want to have regrets later.

[r3ni]

When I hint about things I want, that gets me nowhere. When I say it directly, he says he will try that sometime but then doesn't do it.

 

You talk and expect him to act. Perhaps you should shut up and act yourself? He's a laid back dude, but he is still a dude: Lead that horse to the water a few times, he'll learn to drink.

The other side of this too... try making him feel sexy and wanted. When you feel worshiped as a sex god you start behaving as a sex god. It sounds simple, but it seems to be how we function.