My husband does not appreciate me

[star61773]

I have been married for almost 4 years, but I do not think that my husband appreciates all that I do for him. I work very hard in a PR firm, as well as take care of our young child.

I have not been able to do things that I enjoy as much as I used to. I never have time to swim or run lately because I am too busy taking care of the house, kid, or cooking for him.

Instead of sharing these responsibilities, he insists that I do them all. I know this is not fair, but how do I deal with this situation without causing a problem? He is a good husband and father..and I doo feel lucky to have him in my life. I am just tired of continually overextending myself and putting myself out there all the time.

Please Advise.

[Duderanomi]

Communication is what makes relationships work, so my advice is to talk to him and try to make him understand what's happening. If talking doesn't help, I don't know what would.

[OceanEyes]

Hey Star,

 

I think part of the problem you might be experiencing with your husband, like Duderanomi has mentioned, is that you're not communicating properly with him.

 

It's important to remember, that with men, if you want something, you'll have to ask for it. It sounds like you are both hard-working professional people, so it makes matters a bit more difficult if you're both so busy and probably exhausted at the end of the day.

 

You say:

 

Instead of sharing these responsibilities, he insists that I do them all. I know this is not fair, but how do I deal with this situation without causing a problem?

 

Has he actually verbally refused to help out more with chores and the care of your son? That's simply not fair if such is the case. However, if you're dropping subtle hints like, "I am so tired and don't feel like cooking tonight", rather than "will you help me put [insert son's name here] to bed tonight?", he might just take that as you holding him responsible for your exhaustion.

 

I would recommend, when you are both calm, relaxed, your son is in bed and you have some spare time that you bring up this matter with him for a serious discussion. He can't just expect you to do everything around the house and take care of your son. It's simply unfair and selfish since you work too!

 

Also, stop giving him as much and start asking for more - but never demanding. Ask respectfully and try to make him feel appreciated for what he does. Men love that.

 

Hope things improve for you!

[Francis]

Instead of sharing these responsibilities, he insists that I do them all. I know this is not fair, but how do I deal with this situation without causing a problem?

 

I have seen this situation again and again with my friends. This is what may happen if this goes on : You will be too tired to have sex, you will be grumpy and you will be aggressive with your husband and worst of all you will be aggressive with your children.

 

Eventually, since all the expenses are covered because the two of you work and he knows you are taking care of the household and the children very well, he will start looking for the affection you are not giving him elsewhere and he will spend the family money on her. YES this is what is going to happen if you don't do something NOW (it happened to many of my friends).

 

Try to communicate your feelings to him.

 

If he keeps insisting that you do all the housework then you have two choices : leave your job OR hire a housekeeper, a cook, etc.

 

There is a joke that says : What is the difference between a fairy and a witch? Three kids and ten years of marriage. Don't allow him to turn you into a witch because he will look elsewhere for a fairy.

 

Take all the necessary steps to stop this and fight fire with fire if necessary : either leave your job or hire someone.

 

Take care!

[OceanEyes]

 

 

Good GOD! Is this what I have to look forward to if I get married? lol

 

Seriously though, this is a pretty pessimistic view and I know a lot of married couples with children who at least try to put in their equal share of effort. Not all husbands who demonstrate some laziness at home are going to seek out a mistress because their wives are asking for a bit more support. If he did actually do this, I would be kicking myself for marrying him in the first place.

 

The housekeeper idea is actually very good though, especially if you can afford it and both the man and woman are busy people. It will help both parties and allow for more relaxation.

[Francis]

Hi Ocean Eyes,

 

I am not saying that this is what normally happens in marriage (Thank God!) but I have seen in happen regularly in marriages where the husband refuses to help the wife and she takes care of all the house chores on her own while working full time. Fortunately, this is not the case for all marriages.

 

One of my best friends works full time and then has to run home to cook and do the house chores. Her husband does not even allow her to take the car or pick her up, so she has to do approx. 35 mn bus ride twice a day, she does all the grocery shopping on herself on weekends. Of course, she has no time to go to the gym or anything like that so that she has gained a lot of weight : and on top of not doing anything, every time she opens her mouth, her husband tells her "Shut your trap! You eat too much!" I tell her to go to the gym instead of cooking and she will be more desirable for her husband, but she does not dare to do so because she is afraid he will leave her.

 

My other friend used to do the same thing. Her husband left her for a younger secretary. However, now that they divorced she is doing much better than him in her career. She lost weight and is taking care of herself very well while he's suffering like hell because he's lost his slave. She is very happy now but then they have no kids.

 

I have two other friends and they do as they are told, work full time while raising the kids and cooking and cleaning. One of them, the husband complains because she does not dress up anymore like "when I met you". The other one, he simply goes out all the time, goes away "fishing" or "visit his folks" for the weekends, always away on weekends. The first one started cheating on her husband big time (to subconsciously revenge, I guess) and the second one is always sick and depressed, spends most of her weekends in bed.

 

It is unfortunate, but statistics show that women still do most of the housework while working full time, in certain countries more than other. Statistic show too that the level of happiness of married women is not what it should be, to say the least.

[Luciana]

My first husband: did a lot of housework. Was neat.

 

My current live in BF: thinks it's a woman's job. Even leaves his plate on the table after eating (maybe Mommy will pick it up). Complains if I don't do something. Throws all his clothes on the floor. I resent it.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

Star I'm really sorry about what's going on. A couple of things.

 

REALLY BE CRITICAL OF YOURSELF. Sometime Women don't feel appreciated and they really ask too much of their husbands. There is a thing called a high-maintenance woman. I'm not calling you one! But hearing only one side of the story isn't sufficient for me to say, "Oh yeah, it's all his fault."

 

But before all the women here hang me. You really should make sure that this relationship is going to get better and not worse. Do like the others say and try and communicate with him. Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Become an expert on men. But make sure you understand that if he's not inherently a good communicator when it comes to relationships, he might view your suggestions as manipulation, change, and so forth. Communication is SOOOO HARD for men to learn. They have to be born with it, or hit rock bottom due to some painful experience--such as a breakup (which should be your last, but still viable option.)

 

Now if he's ever:

-Used phrases like, "we need to talk about this problem honey," or "What can I do to make you happier?"

-Is routinely romantic to you.

-Says "I love you" at least once a day

 

Then it shows that he can communicate with you. But then again it also shows that he appreciates you too I think.) So if this is the case you can ignore the rest of this post.

 

I'm telling you though, if you say something like, "You never help around the house," or compare him to other men, or even say flat out, "I wish you would...." he probably will really defend against it. So how do you get through to him? I'm trying to think right now. For me it took a shock to my system. My ex had to leave me for me to realize how stupid I was.

 

I would suggest passive suggestion. Read relationship books in front of him. Worship him for a week by stroking his ego. Don't tell him you love him, show him. Pick good examples of how proud you are to have him as your husband. If the very best doesn't get him to come around then deprive him. Try everything to prime him for the suggestion that he should appreciate you more. You really have to get him ready for it, because like I said, there's really no way to get him to communicate if he doesn't have it in him.

 

But the best way, if all of this fails, is to go see a marriage counselor. Just get him to admit that you two have a problem, and be honest with him. Tell him, "If it's me I want to know." It may very well be partially you're fault. A third party would be the BEST way to get your relationship on firmer ground, and you should start it before it gets worse.

 

Good luck sexy!