A big mess/need help&advice/Need womens advice

[Joshua B]

Hello~

I have been reading the posts and now feel that I could use some advice.

 

A couple preliminary questions:

1. What is the no contact rule (link?)

2. How should I handle the following situation?

Facts:

2 months ago my wife left without warning. I was hurt, angry, etc….But we have stayed in contact. We have talked a couple of times seriously (about what the problems of the relationship are), other times we just talk normally about how the day is going and other meaningless stuff. From what I have gathered, she is going through some serious psychological stuff right now.

Before I had met her she had had a bad relationship, which turned her into an alcoholic at which point she moved to another state (VA) and became very promiscuous. In VA she was raped and moved back to (MD) where we are now. Then she met me. We practically started to live together after I met her (6yrs ago), we got married, almost 2 years ago.

Right now she has me in limbo. We acquired a dog while together , and he pretty much is an excuse to talk to each other. Recently, she has said that she is not physically attracted to me and does not know if that will ever change, and that she cannot stand anyone (girls, guys) touching her including her family. She says that this is because of VA. She said that when I asked for sex and she "gave in" she felt like she was being taken advantage of, like I was some guy in VA.

When we talked seriously she said that she still love me, that she is taking this time off to work out her problems, but she does not know how long it will take and questioned why I should wait around. I responded that marriage is more than about sex, that it is about love about friendship etc… and that I would be willing to wait around, although she assured me that I might not come out on top when all the dust settles.

In my state it takes a year to get a divorce so no matter what I am in for a long haul. Part of me wants to get her back, but another acknowledges that she does need to improve herself a lot. And still another part of me want s to be there for my friend as she goes through this rough time, but I am also angry at the way she left. And in all honesty she needs to put forth a lot more effort in the marriage. But nevertheless we were together for 6 years.

She claims that this is a "vacation" as opposed to a seperation(but in all honesty she hardly ever calls and I have to initiate everything, she does not want a divorce but cannot assure me as to any time frame. I have handled this from day one as the road to divorce. Today we went to a movie and it was pleasant we held hands and hugged afterward and she said she would call me soon.

 

NOW HERE are my problems:

1) I am wondering if I should stay supportive or just accept the fact that she is in denial and get ready for the big D

2) MOST IMPORTATLY: I have a bar exam coming up in a month, everytime I see her I get all emotional and waste my day. I cannot afford wasting any more days and thus want to write her a letter stating that I love her and all that good stuff but for the next month I gotta concentrate on studying. We have a Marriage Counceling session scheduled for August 3rd. I am afraid that if I write the letter and say lets not talk for a month it will scare her off (because things have been improving) and (since it is a very stressful time) I will want to talk to her. But I know that talking/ seeing her will make me upset. And I also know that if I am not around I could be losing round after round with her family et.al. who are probably steering her in the direction away from me. And finally I will not be there if she needs support. SO WHAT DO I DO?

[ydubel]

This sounds complicated, but since you asked for advice I will do my best.

 

First, educate yourself about rape victims so that you can be helpful to her....it may also help you make sense of her behavior which is not at all uncommon from what you're sharing.

 

I know you mentioned your exams and needing to study, but if you love her and want to help here's a site that can help

link removed

 

There's not much you can really do until she's ready, except to be available, but if that conflicts wth your priorities then that's the reality everyone has to live with. In the same way that when she left it was what she felt she had to and you're having to learn to deal with it.

 

The other issue seems to be that you need to clearly decide what your priorities are...something has to be second and last. It can't all be a number one top priority.

 

Once you've decided follow through with it and be willing to accept the consequences, both good and bad.

 

Whatever you do be kind to yourself and to her...and treat yourselves to a healthy dose of love and compassion.

 

I wish you only the best,

Y. Dubel

[k33]

Sounds like your wife is my husband. Crazy simularities... The alcoholic thing is a nightmare... I am in the same boat, do I want to help or do I want to run...

 

I don't have any real advice, except hang in there and take care of yourself... totally easier said than done.