Talking about past.

[findingmeandyou]

I'm in a new relationship - about 6 mos together and everything has been really great. Sometimes though, I find myself feeling pretty out of sorts. It has little to do with the relationship, and alot to do with my own trust issues, because I've been in a few really bad relationships.

 

Recently, I've come to recognize this as a problem that I need to solve. Basically, since those bad relationships, I've pushed away people because I could not get a grip on my trust issues. To give an example, I sometimes have a hard time when I'm dating someone and she's hanging around other guys, staying out late at bars, etc. Those situations sometimes upset me. I used to withdraw (not really talk as much) or get angry when faced with that.

 

Now that I'm in a good relationship, I definitely don't want to get overworked over stupid stuff. What I've been debating is telling my current girlfriend about some of my past relationships - just so she understands what I've been through. I want to, but at the same time, it is hard to talk about the experiences. I am also worried I might be perceived as weak if I admit that I am feeling fear of getting hurt. The thing is that nothing is really wrong with our relationship, but as we get closer, I can feel myself getting a little bit scared when she talks about her guy friends or stays out late.

 

I feel like it's better to just tell her what I'm feeling.

 

Thoughts?

[KittyBoo]

I think you would be better to speak with a therapist who can help you deal with and resolve your issues instead of bringing this up with your girlfriend. If things are going well and she hasn't said anything so far then it is more what is in your mind that is a problem for you than your actual behavior that is causing problems in the relationship. Then if the therapist feels you should address certain issues with her then you can go ahead.

[findingmeandyou]

I think you would be better to speak with a therapist who can help you deal with and resolve your issues instead of bringing this up with your girlfriend. If things are going well and she hasn't said anything so far then it is more what is in your mind that is a problem for you than your actual behavior that is causing problems in the relationship. Then if the therapist feels you should address certain issues with her then you can go ahead.

 

Here's the thing: I have done therapy, and I really don't think it did much for me. It felt like throwing money out the window to talk to a complete stranger when I could have spoken with a trusted friend or family member. My feeling is that I've gotten much better advice from my family and friends. Recently, I've started talking to them more about my personal life, and it has been really great.

 

Thinking some more about this situation, what I would not want to happen is have my girlfriend feel that I am not over these past women. I also feel like I should be able to tell her anything. Perhaps I will be able to in time.

 

Right now, I am just trying to find a way to deal with the feelings. I feel like they are stressing me out too much. Initially, I thought telling her would help. It would help her to understand how I think and also give me some release.

[KittyBoo]

But like you say, it might give her the impression that you are not over these other women. In other areas I think it is great to have her understand how you think but once you start to talk to her, you cannot take back your words so you just need to be prepared to face the consequences of your need for release against what it could do to your relationship.

[geekgirl4]

I think being honest about his past doesn't show that he's not over these women, only that he's been hurt by the experiences and that's why he has some issues today. IMO, I think you should be honest. You don't have to go into the heartbreaking details. Just the basics of what happened in the relationships that left you how you are today. But you should reassure her that you are telling her this because you are trying to work through them and that you still love her just as much. If you tell her, she can also try to support you as well, which could really help.