I still don't understand

[Im Steph]

I don't know if anyone read my story so far, but I just need to write about it more. I know I shouldn't have, but I did talk with him earlier this evening.

 

him: i guess i just need to find me again

him: the guy you met in ________

him: cos i think he left a while back

me: i know. was it my fault?

me: i do want you to be happy.

him: i don;t really know where the fault lies

him: but it happened

 

I also told him that when he suggested we needed some time off from work to spend it on us, I felt like it was just what he needed. He broke it off a few days after he suggested that, and now he's told me that the more he thought about the time off, the more he thought that it was not what he wanted. What he wanted apparently was to give up completely. I told him I'm willing to do the work, but he said he doesn't have that level of commitment. It just crushes me every time I think of it. How could we have spent 6 years together, through periods of time apart and lots of uncertainty, and when we start to have problems or things don't feel the same as they used to, it's time to give up without even trying to address any issues. Does love just dissolve away that easily for him?

 

I know this all sounds awful when I write it out like that. Why would I still hold out hope? Because I feel like if he finds himself again, he could realize what he loved so much about me? But we are both different people now, obviously, after so long. I thought we were changing together. Yes, I had been retreating too much into myself lately, I have always had a problem with that. But it doesn't seem like enough to give up on us completely.

 

I miss him so much, just being close. Knowing he would be there for me.

[tujna]

Hey Steph, sorry to hear that this has happened again but it will go on like that until you stick around and continue to push while you should be pulling away. You have to understand that you are making everything worse by continuing to talk about all that and to search for explanations, both for you and for the possibility to reconcile sometime in the future. This is what we are warning you about.

 

Just realize that there is nothing to understand, it is just how life is. The explanation for your life lies in you and not in someone else. The earlier you realize, the better. You have to be happy by yourself and stand on your feet before you can be happy with him or anyone else. Just keep going and please, do not, do not contact him. Don't you see by now that it is pointless. What most you need now is to be away from him. It is the hardest thing and yet the rightest thing to do. I know what I am talking about, believe me. I know it seems impossible but it is, we all manage to do it!

[Im Steph]

Yes, it does seem impossible. I can see that I'm not doing any good, and it hurts me like new every time I talk to him. But it doesn't seem to get any better when I don't talk to him either. I'm just so scared to be without him. I don't want to be like this! I thought I was a strong person, but I guess I was always using him as my support.

 

I am not going to contact him again, at least for as long as I can stand now. I know he feels bad that I'm in this place. I don't want him to feel pity for me, I want him to remember me as the one he fell in love with. I'm just so afraid that he is going to move on with his life and lose any feelings for me and any good memories about me. It doesn't help me to contact him, I can't just act like a friend and not bring up what happened.

 

OK, thanks. I am taking a placement test today so I can take an online math class, and then maybe get a job doing biology research in Alaska. I did always want to go there.