Dear Self

[nltsyc]

I started writing a letter to myself so I could understand what is going on inside my head and this is what happened. sigh...

 

Dear Self,

 

It's been a while since we've had a serious talk. I don't know when or where you went wrong, but I really just need to let you know where you and I stand.

 

I hate who you have become when you never knew who you really were.

 

I hate the person you see as fat and worthless when you look in the mirror.

 

I can't stand how so full of self-doubt you are that you have wasted your whole life and haven't been able to move forward. I mean really, why can't you find anything to be passionate about. Don't you dream? Isn't there anything you long for? When are you going to stop being a shell of a person?

 

I can't stand how you've sacrificed being yourself because of circumstances around you. What am I talking about; there was no real you to begin with. You should be ashamed, there are people a decade younger than who are braver and stronger. No matter how much you fake it you'll never be a true role model. How can you ever expect to help other people if you can't even help yourself.

 

I pity that you've never been intimate with another person, never shared a deep passionate kiss. You have wasted one-third of your life waiting. What is wrong with you? If this keeps up you are going to be completely alone and die alone.

 

I know all this has brought you down for so long you don't want anything anymore, but you don't have the courage or strength to stop it. You've only used acute temporary releases to escape, and the only thing that has done is made you hide behind thin layers of fabric hoping no one will see the scars.

 

I'm tired of knowing you cry yourself to sleep at night and there is nothing I can do to help. Tired of knowing that inside you are screaming when you can't make a sound on the outside. Tired of all the times you almost break down.

 

You've tried though, So hard. So long. You've tried to get help. talked to those who could help, but it hasn't been enough. Not nearly enough.

 

You just can't let go of the past can you. Can't move on. Can't stop thinking about all the things you should or shouldn't have done differently. Can't change the negative thoughts that you've trained yourself to believe for so long. Why? Why do you doubt yourself so much? Are you afraid of success. Why are you so uncertain about everything?

 

I knew you when you were strong. You were unstoppable. Afraid of nothing. What happened to you? When did you loose your fire, your drive?

 

I don't know what to do to help you anymore. I don't know where to go from here. I know you don't really want it to be over because you're afraid of everything you'll miss or won't experience, but please, something has to change.

 

I'm sorry if this was too harsh, but I just didn't know what else to do. Please don't be angry.

 

Sincerely,

 

Me

[Someday_Soon]

That was an epic narrative. I think you have given words to the feelings of more of the world's population than we may know. Also that letter reveals you are indeed a passionate person, so stop wondering whether or not you dream or long for something. If someone is numb inside they don't just write a letter like that. You sound like you have a handle on where you need to go from here...incremental steps one at a time...

[nltsyc]

I needed to figure out everything that was muddled together in my head. It was an attempt get to the root of my issues I guess. I just don't know how to tackle things anymore.