Where to start after 4 years

[mrbaldy]

Okay, where to start. Last sunday night my fiance is acting weird, so I ask her what is wrong... nothing she replies, I know something was wrong though as she did not want to lay particularily close to me in bed, so I pushed a little for the answer and she says "I don't want to have this conversation right now". so then of course I know it is something so I pull it out of her and she says that she is leaving me in the morning. This comes as a total shock to me, there were no warning signs none of our friends knew anything and I can honestly say they really knew nothing. I found out after talking to Fran one of our friends (more hers than mine) that she had been lying to her with things about me such as me not wanting to hang out with Fran and her BF, and just other little things. She is 20 and I am 26 and we have been together for almost 4 years and living together for a little over 3 years. We had been living with my parents as I had lost my job after Sept 11th and we had no other choice. I recently started a new job and we had found a apartment and were supposed to move in that Friday. She had been telling our friends about how much she was ready to move into the apartment and get back out on our own again, we even went the weekend before and bought some new stuff that she wanted for the apartment such as new sheets for our bed, and then all of a sudden she is telling me that she needs to be independent and on her own. I have already gone through the pain/anger/denial stages and now am just lost. My best friend in the world has left and I find that I don't know what to do. I can't seem to watch TV or anything. Her mom had come up from florida to drop off a car as hers was totalled, and then her mom and her grandfather were going cross country (GrandCanyon, Rushmore, ect). She has taken a leave from work and gone with them to clear her mind. I have not called her but once and only to see if she wanted me to bring the rest of her stuff somewhere as it was bothering me to continue to look at some of it with her not here. She has called me twice since then (almost a week and a half ago) but to just say where she was and that she was okay. I find myself just looking for more of a reason or a trigger that made this occur. I know I will be okay and eventually move on, but I just keep wondering. I have done pretty good at not having the rebound fling as I have already been asked out twice in the last week, but I am starting to just want companionship or someone to hang out with, as all of our friends are married or have kids. Any advice would be great, thanks in advance.

 

Sorry for rambling and jumping around

[auburnslp]

First of all, I feel your pain. You and I seem to be at the same point-the denial and anger stages done, and where does that leave us? For me, and you it seems, we are in a bit of depression, a scary stage where we feel lost and a bit hopeless. I have at times the other stages come creeping back-just temporarily-but it can be a whirlwind of emotion that can be hard to bear. The feeling of loss, sadness, abandonment is just awful. But we will heal.

Now, the continued contact with your ex...now is the time to take stock and make some hard decisions-they will be hard no matter what direction you choose. You must let your head answer these questions and not your heart...is this a relationship that can be salvaged, if she comes back wanting to do so? Do you see her coming back for a while, happily, blissful for a time, and then desiring her freedom again? She has been calling, so I would not say that this is not a possibility, only you can know this, based on past experience, and a feeling from our never-failing "gut". But, this question is one you must reconcile, and be as sure as you can possibly be in it-because if you allow it to drag on as is, or allow her to come back knowing that there is a possibility that it will happen again, then you are doing nothing more than inviting more pain, inviting the prolonging of the healing process, and each time gets progressively worse-I tell you this from experience. If you feel that the possibility is there for these things to happen again, it is time to cut and run. I am in the middle of a self-imposed 60 day no-contact rule. And it is awful. But each day I grow stronger. And while, at this point, I realize that it is over, that she is not coming back, I have to tell you this-right before she broke it off with me we were discussing marriage, seriously, talking when and where-and in my mind, if the unlikely occurred and she came back to me now, it would only be under the terms of a ring and a date. Ours was a 3 year relationship, and that is long enough. I would have to know how serious she was before I would subject myself to the possibility of this pain again. And that is my point to you-if she does come back, know that there are never any gaurantees, but do your best to discover the seriousness of her intentions, for your own sake.

Now, about seeing others...you say you want to be out and sociable? Go! Yes, it won't be the best date you will ever have, most likely at least, and you might find yourself missing your ex at moments, but you said you want to get out, well go-sounds like you are ready to take that step. All my friends are married as well, and while I have fun with them, it is still hard-not the same-feel like I'm missing out. So go, but one word of advice regarding this-go slow. I made the mistake of dating this girl I had known for a while 2 weeks after my ex split, ended up in bed, and it was awful...never thought I would ever say that...but it's true. I lay awake all night next to her, wishing she was someone else. I wasn't ready, and I knew it, but did something I thought would help. It didn't. But now, I have a date this weekend that I am looking forward to, casual picnic and concert, and while I am not over my ex by any means, I know I will have a good time. The key I think at times like this is to take it slow, and know and do what your heart tells you, do what you are ready for. But there is nothing wrong with sharing some time and maybe some laughs on a casual date, even when we are not feeling 100%. You will know when it is time for a serious relationship-just follow what your heart is telling you.

We are all different, and maybe my opinions and experiences are different from yours. I'm just giving my perspective, and I hope it helps in some way...take care of yourself...Michael

[mrbaldy]

Michael,

 

Thanks for the advice. She says she knows she has 2 choices, to try and make it on her own here in charlotte or to move back to florida where her parents live. The other issue is one of feeling used. I helped her get her GED and find a career path, and the weekend of the split took her accross the state to take her certification in cosmotology and paid for that and the hotel. Then it seemed like the minute that that was done she was gone. She does not make enough money right now to live on her own, only about 600-800 a month. So part of me also says if she comes back it is only for the money as I have a very good job, although through the last 2 years I wasn't really working other than odd jobs here and there so I can't really say that money was the issue. Also with her only friends being our friends it would also make it tough to handle because obviously we are going to run into each other. I have been going out to my favorite bar and having fun and in a way I do feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I do not have to "take care" of her anymore. I am definatly going to give it time and not jump back into things even if that is what she wants but also I feel like there are some major trust issues that I may not ever be able to let go of. I am having trouble though where I go out with the intention of a couple of beers and maybe some foosball and end up getting completely drunk to the point of blanking out. It is like I cannot control myself and that scares me. Our friends keep saying that she is "young" and that things will work out even though they know that I am prepared to move on if that is what need be done. The things that are so weird is just no rhyme or reason to it. We were working towards our common goals and had been looking at wedding plans and she even had her dress. The scarry thought is that I almost bought a house with her and decided to get a apartment instead due to interest rate and clearing up my credit, as well as establishing hers. It just makes no sense to me, everyone was always saying how we were a perfect couple and made for each other. Her mom and dad even called me to ask me what happened and I had no answer for them.

 

Anyways thanks for your advice, sometimes you need a totally outside opinion on things. Hope all goes well for you and you hang in there as well.

[vitalcoaching]

but I am starting to just want companionship or someone to hang out with, as all of our friends are married or have kids.

 

Hi,

 

I got your personal message. Here is a quick answer:

 

I feel what you just mentioned there is the key: You are "there" already, she is not. You want security. She might want adventure, thrill, discovery. She's 20, right? This makes immensely sense. She knows that if she stays with you, she's heading for long term steadiness. Not her plan. Not now.

 

If you want a "reason", this is a good one. The real one is simple: compatibility.

 

It's good to remember that security only counts for 1/3 in the relationship equation. You need challenge, excitment, renewal, change, thrilll to make it work on the long term. Wake up these qualities fully and make sure you don't offer too much "comfort". This might help for the future. Challenge.

 

Good luck and saty in touch

 

vitalcoach

[auburnslp]

OK, a couple thoughts for you...

First of all, I am with you brother, in many ways. I am going through the same kind of things. Read my post, you will see. But, first-the drinking thing-I am there as well, but getting over it (finally). I have spent the last month drink excessively, daily. It is no answer. My house had gotten to be a wreck, and so had I. I woke about a week ago and took a long, hungover look at my reflection, and was appalled at what I saw. I have not been eating in that month either. Totally depressed, not sleeping either. But I looked like crap. And decided that has to stop. And it has. Still not really eating, but that's ok-I had 10 pounds to lose anyway, but even that is starting to get better. But I can tell you-the drinking thing is nothing but self-destructive, and if you are doing so at a bar, I am wondering how you are getting home. Listen brother, life sucks enough right now. A DUI could send you over the top-right down to the bottom. I got one 13 years ago and it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I will continue to pay for it for the rest of my life-hurts career opportunities, everything. Please, please, please be careful. And realize that alcohol is a depressant, and while it might temporarily take the pain away, all it is really doing is hiding the pain, and prolonging the healing process. Take that time at the bar and use it another way. Work out, get together with friends for a dinner, whatever, just take care of yourself.

About feeling used...well, it sounds as if you were. Happens to the best of us. Accept it and react accordingly, which in my mind is to cut ties and run. You deserve better-truth.

Mutual friends-that is hard, because if she stays, you will have some tough decisions to make. I am in an impossible situation as my ex's son and my son are best friends-had to see her briefly this morning when she dropped him off at my house to play-and while I am good and keep the talk only regarding the kids and show no emotion, it still hurts like Hell to see her. Because I still love her and want her. If I could never see her again, ever, that would be ideal. You can do this. But it won't be easy. You would have to call those friends before an evening out to make sure she won't be there. If you want to be done and to heal completely, I would say that is imperative. Believe me, because of my situation, I am struggling, and healing slower than I could be, but I am still healing. There is no way to just be friends when those feelings are still so strong between us-there will always be hope. Do what feels right to you, but consider the advice of those that are facing this or have already been through it. My best to you-I'm in Atlanta-we should get together for a beer (not ten) sometime and work on forgetting the ex's...take care...Michael

[mrbaldy]

I get a ride home from friends and the bartenders... ( would never drive) we have all been friends for almost 6 years and have friends that live nearby. The bar I go to is like a cheers, it is a little hole in the wall bar where people of all status's in life hang out. It is a really cool place and I do go there to eat and not drink, it is just I find myself hammered before I know it. I am going to ask the tenders to watch me closely. Also on another note, our relationship wasn't really based upon security I was just stating that side of it. We traveled together and went to movies, diner, concerts, camping, and all kinds of things. We never really spent much time apart, I would try and encourage her to go out with friends alone occasionally but then again most her friends were mine so it was a little hard. It just doesn't make sense other than she was not communicating with me when I was with her. In a way I hope she goes back to Florida, obviously a little easier for me. Most of my friends are at the age where the bar is about all there is to do (not really but seems that way) so it makes it hard to not go there otherwise I am not able to be around people who are my friends. Arggg.... it just frustrating because it seems like a neverending loop. Anyways, back to work.

 

Thanks

[auburnslp]

sorry mrbaldy, didn't mean to imply that you were making those mistakes-I was just hoping you weren't, and was happy to read your response.

You know, given what I have read about your situation, I am going to hope for you that your girl moves to FLA. It does seem like a never-ending loop, one which will be difficult for you to break, and one which will prolong your pain and healing. Do whatever you need to do if she stays...and if she goes, allow yourself to grieve, and it is horrible, but allow it, and you will heal. And find that one day, you might very well look back and realize how lucky you are that things went the way they did. I would venture to say that the vast majority of us will one day do that, and the few who don't, the ones who never let go, are wasting their lives by not allowing themselves to refocus, move through the stages of grief, and let go, and move on. It is sad, but it happens. I have seen it, and I for one don't intend to live it. I hope that for all of us on here...

You say that the bar is great-I was not suggesting to not go there-I was just suggesting that there are so many other things you can do as well-and there is nothing wrong with doing things alone. I for one have been at the gym, and it is amazing how many new people you can meet. And do. Think about your time before this girl-what did you do then that made you happy? Hobbies, adventures? Pick a new thing-I did that with twae kwan do, and it has been the best diversion and outlet-I have done roller hockey as well-same result. And I'm an old guy out there with a bunch of young bucks, and I do very well. Church? I went back, and am finding that despite my doubts, it has been very helpful. Ski clubs, tennis lessons, golf lessons, self-improvement-now could be the ideal time to focus on future goals and set a plan in motion on how to get there-book clubs, comp a course at the university that you always were interested in but never took-whatever...my point is that even though life can seem so empty to us at times like these, the truth is, that is just what our minds and hearts are trying to have us believe-it is natural, but so wrong. The truth is the limitless possibilities out there just waiting for us to grab...and when you are able, you will see how fulfilling they are, not just to our self esteem, but to our social lives as well. Best to you buddy-I really hope I didn't sound critical in my last post...Michael

[mrbaldy]

No I didn't take your post that way.... just emotion coming out. I am pouring my time into work right now, at least until I can have an answer on what she is planning. I have been pulling 13-14 hour days trying to get our network to where it should be. I just find myself at a point of completely starting over, women, job, living situation, friends everything all at one time... it is causing a shellshock within myself to where I almost don't even know who I am anymore. Anyways thanks for your advice, I am still not going to call her, if she wants to call me fine... but it will be short and to the point.

 

Thanks Michael,

 

Ben

[auburnslp]

well, being that busy at work is a welcome diversion, I am sure, and can be a healthy diversion too, at a time like this. Listen, after reading your posts and what you are dealing with, there is no question of the upheaval in your life right now-though I or no one else in the world could claim to comprehend it, no matter what we have been through. Each situation is unique, despite the common threads. Myself, I dealt with the love of my life finally coming to me, after three years, committing, finally, talks of marriage, and then found she was pregnant-normally a dicey situation, but for me, it was all I had ever wanted in this life. This lasted two and a half weeks for me-after three years of love and devotion to her. A miscarriage, a visit to ultra-religious relatives later led her to the truth(?) that she was still married to her ex husband in God's eyes, and she left me on the spot. In two and a half weeks I had all I had hoped for, and then gone, in an instant. So I cannot profess to know your pain brother, I cannot. But if we are on this forum, we have our own. And in that, you have my hopes and prayers for a healing, and rebirth, back to who you are. Peace, happiness, health...Michael