How much is too much?

[redherring]

I've heard people say on here that they'd never go back to a certain ex -as friends or otherwise- because there was 'too much' hurt there.

 

I was just wondering what people meant by this, how much is too much? And how would you know the difference between too much and something that can be dealt with?

[Brigadoon]

I think I'd be willing to deal with potential pain if I really believed there was honesty, openness and caring there. Without that though I don't think I'd be able to try again. I think it's not the amount of pain you felt, it's the way it was inflicted. If someone can stand in front of you and almost seem to enjoy hurting you how could you ever see them in the same light again? I think this is why people can be reluctant to reconcile despite still having feelings for the other person; It's all about self preservation in the end.

[sidehop]

I agree, for me it would be the 'way' the person hurt me.

[Mustachio]

I think it definitely all depends on what the person did.

 

And although Im not at that point yet to say that... how about, cheated on me with my two best friends, dumped me for another guy, got back together with me, cheated with that guy, met another guy, cheated with him, then dumped me for him all the while lying about it all and lying about the reasons for breaking up with me.

[Brigadoon]

... cheated on me with my two best friends, dumped me for another guy, got back together with me, cheated with that guy, met another guy, cheated with him, then dumped me for him all the while lying about it all and lying about the reasons for breaking up with me.

 

I'd say you dodged a bullet there babe

[redherring]

I think it definitely all depends on what the person did.

 

And although Im not at that point yet to say that... how about, cheated on me with my two best friends, dumped me for another guy, got back together with me, cheated with that guy, met another guy, cheated with him, then dumped me for him all the while lying about it all and lying about the reasons for breaking up with me.

 

I'd agree with Briagdoon.

I'm sorry to hear someone was so horrible to you, but you're way better off without someone like that. It still sucks though.

 

The guy I'm talking about has a serious depression issue and completely messed me around. Sometimes I'm glad I'm without him and other times (like today, for example) I miss him a lot and I'm scared that too much has happened for us ever to sort stuff out. Not that we're on talking terms or there has been anything to indicate that might happen, but I get scared anyway.

[Brigadoon]

The guy I'm talking about has a serious depression issue and completely messed me around. Sometimes I'm glad I'm without him and other times (like today, for example) I miss him a lot and I'm scared that too much has happened for us ever to sort stuff out. Not that we're on talking terms or there has been anything to indicate that might happen, but I get scared anyway.

 

All sounds completely normal to me redherring. Reality is never neat and tidy and there was bound to have been some truly lovely things about him just as there was undoubtedly some truly atrocious things too.

When my ex first left I was so devastated that I didn't eat for six weeks (as in I couldn't eat anything and lived on cups of milky tea; I lost four stone in two-ish months) and slept through the night for the first time two and a half months later so you can imagine how badly I took it. I genuinely thought that I would never see him again and that he would never have any desire to be anywhere near me again; all wrong as I would later find out. Bearing in mind that this guy kept me in iron clad NC for six months and I really had no evidence whatsoever that he even remembered my name.

I think you'll find that your ex is probably thinking of you just as much as you are of him after taking into account timelines and the way a dumpers mind works on processing a break up.

I still think fondly of some of the good times we had but I have finally reached a stage where I am putting myself firmly at the forefront. He chose to leave and i'm respecting his decision. It helps that I do genuinely see it as his loss lol.

Try not to let yourself get lost in worrying; it solves nothing and either you'll get back together or you'll heal to the point where you won't care. Don't push yourself, just treat yourself well, keep busy and let time do its magic. It worked for me

[redherring]

...well...I broke up with him, a long time ago. Its quite complicated

 

I know I'm worrying about something stupid, I often worry about stupid things. I'm seeing a counselor soon and we will probably work on it. Hopefully I can get my head around this relationship too, I really should have by now.

[Brigadoon]

...well...I broke up with him, a long time ago. Its quite complicated know I'm worrying about something stupid, I often worry about stupid things... I really should have by now.

 

Relationships are complicated and just because you called time on it doesn't make you wrong or a bad person.

And if you're worrying about it it's not stupid it's just something you're worried about so don't put yourself down. And as to whether you should be over it by now, well it takes as long as it takes so again don't put yourself down

[redherring]

Relationships are complicated and just because you called time on it doesn't make you wrong or a bad person.

And if you're worrying about it it's not stupid it's just something you're worried about so don't put yourself down. And as to whether you should be over it by now, well it takes as long as it takes so again don't put yourself down

 

I don't think I'm a bad person for ending it- I think I was very horrible to him in the way I dumped him and I did mean things to him after. He did horrid things to me too, we were horrid to each other. Its something I really regret.

 

Well... we did sort things out for a bit, in fact we almost got back together but his personal issues got in the way- he basically pressed the self-destruct button. He kept having a go at me for the things I'd done to hurt him, and I'd say sorry and he'd claim to forgive me and things would be fine but then he'd have a go at me again for the same things. He just wouldn't let them go, I payed to enroll him on a creative writing course for example (this was way after we broke up, this was just over a year ago now) all those good things I had done to try and make amends got forgotten about when he was angry with me- suddenly I was little miss evil. I was either miss evil or completely perfect, his opinion of me seemed to swing between the two.

 

He just ended up pushing me away, and eventually just cut me out altogether.

I found out a few months later he'd got back with a girl he'd dumped because he still loved me, I think they're still together.

What a way to undermine his declaration of undying love.

I don't think he planned it to happen or anything- it happened a good few months after he cut me out and he's just not the kind of person to plan things in advance anyway but still... it hurt. It hurt real bad.

 

The last time I heard from him was in January, he sent me a text asking me how I was but I didn't really want to talk to him as I didn't trust his intentions so just kept it as distant but friendly as I could, I got the impression he was expecting/wanted more from that conversation.

 

I don't know... I'm having a bad day today and I had a bad day yesterday. I have bad days quite often and I'm starting to get quite depressed myself. I'm so frustrated I sometimes feel like I'm going mad. I put a mask up for everyone else to see, sometimes I feel like I'm not even there because I'm so distracted by the wheels turning in my head and analyzing everything over and over. I've got other issues, its not just this which upset me but this is definitely the most painful thing in my life right now.

 

Not that I mean to turd over what you'd written, although I know I did a bit. It did genuinely make me smile and feel calmer, I'm really glad you've taken the time to talk with me.