Please help me with my father.

[cannon77]

I'm 18 years old, and I am really tired of my dad pushing me around. I didn't get into college, and he doesn't know about it. He just went ape because I lost a pair of shoes and he claims I'm "playing games".

 

He's not medicated. He does have problems, mostly anger along with being anti social and has had 2 divorces. Can you guys give me any advice?

[misssmithviii]

I think I need a little more explanation.

 

Why do you feel he's pushing you around? How does losing shoes mean you're playing games to him, and what sort of games?

 

You're 18, technically you can do as you please but unfortunately as long as you're under his roof, you have to abide/accept his rules and his behavior. Or, you could just rebel against him until he kicks you out however that wouldn't be a very smart choice ;]

 

That being said, I don't suggest you move out unless you're financially stable in some way or another. So... I guess I don't know what else... if he's literally pushing you around, I'd say GET OUT immediately. Other than that, I think I'd need a little more explanation into what he's doing.

[Guest]

Sounds fairly identical to my step dad. It seems from your explanation that you've had this problem a while. Can you tell him to stop pushing you around and your 18 years old? Reason why I ask if its been going on a while, do you think it would be a relief if you were on your own?

[cannon77]

I think I need a little more explanation.

 

Why do you feel he's pushing you around? How does losing shoes mean you're playing games to him, and what sort of games?

 

You're 18, technically you can do as you please but unfortunately as long as you're under his roof, you have to abide/accept his rules and his behavior. Or, you could just rebel against him until he kicks you out however that wouldn't be a very smart choice ;]

 

That being said, I don't suggest you move out unless you're financially stable in some way or another. So... I guess I don't know what else... if he's literally pushing you around, I'd say GET OUT immediately. Other than that, I think I'd need a little more explanation into what he's doing.

 

misssmithviii, I am very financially stable, because I save up every paycheck I get. It goes straight to the bank, and from there, if I need to buy something, I will withdraw the exact amount of cash from the bank on the dot. Speaking for myself, I am doing great with money.

 

Today was a crazy day. I couldn't take long typing that because the guys for the interlock were just about to show up.

 

I could rebel against him, but I must wait until I have finished high school. I'm an 18 year old guy (my birthday was in February) who will graduate in June.

 

He pushes me around mentally, and through his actions. Not physically. He plays mind games, belittles me, yells at me and always says bad things about my mother, which really makes me angry. They divorced 8 years ago.

 

He has had 2 failed marriages, and I maintain excellent contact with his ex-wife, my (former....) stepmother. I think she realizes that I wasn't the problem, his attitude was.

 

He comes from a cultural background which asserts that everyone must serve the man, the father... but that same upbringing turned him into what he is today.

[cannon77]

Sounds fairly identical to my step dad. It seems from your explanation that you've had this problem a while. Can you tell him to stop pushing you around and your 18 years old? Reason why I ask if its been going on a while, do you think it would be a relief if you were on your own?

 

He knows I am 18 years old. Trust me, he knows.

 

It's been going on since I was 10 years old man. I have not let him hurt my spirits yet, but a person can only take so much you know. Some times he is a really nice, respectable guy, but 9/10 times, he is horrible in how he behaves towards his own children.

 

Oh, and sorry for the profanity earlier, I was just in a hurry and in a really pissed off mood. I'm fine now.

[Guest]

You don't like it there obviously. He's been doing it since you were 10, why don't you just look into moving?

[cannon77]

You don't like it there obviously. He's been doing it since you were 10, why don't you just look into moving?

 

I get really pissed off thinking about it, but I'll tell you the reason why.

 

Most of my family branches off into directions. Some live in the country, some live downtown and some are in bad financial situations, and me moving to any of those places would throw me OFF my game, mentally and especially because I'm a creature of habit, I can't move around a lot because it would mess up my schedule, and the routes I take to get to work, school, and where I need to go. Not to mention, construction around here is temporarily closing off pathways I would need to take to get to the places I need to go quicker.

 

I will look into moving once I am finished high school.

 

The problem within myself, is that I think I've lived in this environment so long that I have developed two different personalities, there is the optimistic, open minded guy who accepts things how they are and is nice to everyone, and then there is the angry, sharp, compassion less person who will not take crap from anyone and really has no time for crap, or other people. He also has a huge ego, and this personality existed right around the time I typed that first post, although I was calming down.

 

I realize, when I shift personalities, that it is not healthy for me, and mentally I am aware that my mood has changed. But it's not just my Dad, it's years of things that have happened to me that have made me mentally adapt to things in order to survive and not break down. Neat little defense mechanism, I think.

[cannon77]

Another thing is... living with him, in the past 8 years, we have lived in 8 houses, he has been through 2 marriages and I have lost 3 pets. My brother also was very emotionally stressed for a while, but he is fine now.

 

Everything with me is.... so temporary. So god damn temporary. I was never able to have happiness, success, or anything tangible which I can hold up and say "This is mine. I'm happy, life is great and I have everything I need".

 

I still get depressed these days, thinking about what was taken from me. And it all had something to do with him.

 

I don't mean to offend anyone else on this forum, but I am not suicidal, or do I want to hurt others. I have my own problems in my own right, and I would say I'm my own unique case.

 

But the thing is, this all has to do with my Dad, but what happens when I leave, and what if I don't talk to him? I just want to set things right, I do not want to live a lifetime of hatred and disdain.

[Guest]

I have developed two different personalities, there is the optimistic, open minded guy who accepts things how they are and is nice to everyone, and then there is the angry, sharp, compassion less person who will not take crap from anyone and really has no time for crap, or other people. He also has a huge ego, and this personality existed right around the time I typed that first post, although I was calming down.

 

I realize, when I shift personalities, that it is not healthy for me, and mentally I am aware that my mood has changed. But it's not just my Dad, it's years of things that have happened to me that have made me mentally adapt to things in order to survive and not break down. Neat little defense mechanism, I think.

 

Cannon, some aspects of your life are similar to mine in your description. The mood situation, and the father situation. Especially what I've bolded. My father amongst other things, have contributed a great deal of mental stress to my life, and for that I seriously dislike his presence. I couldn't move when I was around your age because I didn't have the money.

 

Look into getting your own place, at some point when you can and start your own life. As for the mood shifting, have you looked into getting some help from a doctor or perhaps a psychiatrist? I never thought I would end up seeing one, but I did I learnt a lot, and I took some medication as well and it relates to a similar case as yours. I respect the fact that you do not want to run from your problems, I did that. But you are 18, which is young, I feel you should also be thinking about yourself at this point, thinking about self-healing as you do have your own problems that you've mentioned.

 

Dealing with your family is somehow working on you because it helps with your problems solving in your own life, and may help the mood situation. But here is proverb , 'take the log out of your own eye, before you take the speck out of your brother's eye'. Consider yourself, your needs, what you want in life to be happy, brainstorm those things and work for that. The Dad situation, I would look into building your own life and living on your own as soon as you can. Maybe being away can give you time for yourself to think and even time for him.

[turnera]

Why don't you apply to a nearby college that doesn't have as strict admission criteria, apply for loans that will cover your dorm room, and move? The city college where I live lets practically anyone in, whatever grades. Unless there's more than you're telling about why you didn't get accepted.

[cannon77]

Why don't you apply to a nearby college that doesn't have as strict admission criteria, apply for loans that will cover your dorm room, and move? The city college where I live lets practically anyone in, whatever grades. Unless there's more than you're telling about why you didn't get accepted.

 

OK..... I didn't get accepted because I had to get back to them, and I waited too long getting back to them on something I needed to verify with my high school. My grades are usually ~75 percent, my grades are fine, thank you very much.

[turnera]

Then why aren't you applying for fall?

[Guest]

Then why aren't you applying for fall?

 

its just one way to get away from parents, he doesn't have to go to school

[cannon77]

Then why aren't you applying for fall?

 

...... I said I already applied for college. They are a very strict college right now because they are getting to many applications. I was busy with projects and the stupid 40 hours of mandatory community service to pass high school that I just kept putting it off and putting it off until now. Too many priorities. Responsibility.

[turnera]

I get all that, and I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but rather to point out that you have a lot of options. That school didn't admit you? Apply for another. You don't have to, of course, but you are here telling us you have an untenable situation at home. So find another solution.

[cannon77]

I get all that, and I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but rather to point out that you have a lot of options. That school didn't admit you? Apply for another. You don't have to, of course, but you are here telling us you have an untenable situation at home. So find another solution.

 

Hmmm, well... easier said than done.

 

It's easy for you to say all this stuff on here... in my city, it is a city known for it's corporate, high tech market in Canada. After the economic recession, a lot of people in that field got laid off.

 

Along with an influx of migrants, it is getting almost impossible to do things that were simple even in... hell, 2007 and before. My brother applied in 2007 and he says it was a piece of cake compared to what they do now to let you get into college.

 

While we're on that, you need...

 

Birth certificate

Health card

Full criminal background check

complete transcripts from grades 7-12, at least a 70 percent grade average

a letter of recommendation from two (2) of your teachers

apply at least December before 2010 so they will take your application seriously.

send a letter to them as well, explaining your intentions to get in.

a $95.00, non refundable FEE so they can REVIEW just your application and transcripts... the rest, they ask you to give it to them after they are done reviewing..

and then the agonizing waiting period of if you got in or not.

 

Yeah.....

 

I'm so busy right now, and I have a lot on my plate alright man. I really has no time to do all that considering I was making a ton of money working, I had a job placement connected to my school (I still do that...) so, 2 jobs, 4 academic courses (I don't even get a spare), stress at home, family problems abroad and constant new beginnings all hindered me from going to college.

 

I'm not going crazy, or am becoming a mean person because of it. I'm an 18 year old male. I'm a guy, I should be out partying with my friends and stuff. They always ask me where I am....

 

I'm just a person man, I'm just human, and it's hard to take all this stuff, and do everything they expect of you to the best of your ability, especially since most of the rules set forth are dictated by old executives getting paid big bucks who NEVER had to do this while they were kids, or in their lives...

 

You get the picture.

[cannon77]

So you understand, "other solutions" are dead in the water at this point in time.

[turnera]

No. I understand you don't want college that bad; which is fine - just don't use that as an excuse to rag about your dad.

 

And you're 18, and used to blaming the 'man' for everything that doesn't go right in the world, whether it involves you not setting a timetable to accomplish what you want - what everyone ELSE manages to accomplish - or not.

 

There are about, what, 10,000 colleges in the world. If you don't get into the one you want, you look around. You look at community colleges. You sign up for the military. You find a roommate and take a full-time job and move out. You join the Peace Corps or whatever you have in Canada for a year. You go out and work at a couple fast food restaurants each week till you have enough money saved to move away. You look into work-study programs with companies so you can work AND get an education. You go to a professional to help you find a job or a school.

 

Look, I get it, you don't like someone questioning your actions, when all you did was come here to blow off steam. But you DID ask for advice. Your dad is on your case, every suggestion I gave would alleviate that.

 

Sounds to me like you have a LOT of possible solutions. But you just want to

be out parying with your 'friends and stuff.' Instead, you have a dad who is trying to drive you to accomplish something. Funny how parents do that.

 

He's got issues. He's had two divorces. So he's been through a lot of crap. He KNOWS how hard life is. And he's trying to get you to go along the path he probably wishes he had taken.

 

But all you want to do is blame him for ruining your fun. Typical for an 18 year old. Nothing wrong with that.

 

But you DO have options, options that would not only get him off your back, but also possibly give him reason to respect and admire you.

[cannon77]

Excuse me? "No"? What, you think your condescending posts are supposed to be worth some sort of substance to me?

 

 

 

I actually want college very bad, in order to get a future. You do not know me, therefore that comment is invalid. If you knew my Dad over all these years, then you would understand why I am saying the things that I am; heck, [if you even read the topic, instead of focusing on one thing, you would understand why I have a problem with my Dad, hence the topic title and this topic in itself.

 

 

 

I'm already working, like I said, 2 jobs. I just spoke to a counselor today, and some family members have contacted me about my college situation and I have told them what is going on, and some might try to pull some strings for me.

 

 

 

Huh? Do you know when the last time I went out with my friends? 6 months ago! They STILL come to my door, and call me, and text me and ask me to hang out. I ALWAYS say I can't, because I'm busy, thank you very much! My Dad wants the perfect son; it's in his blood, it's cultural. So do his family. But they are content to open their mouths, yet they do not help at all. I know more about this situation than you do!

 

 

 

Nope. He knows that I have not had any "fun" in a long, long time. It's interesting that you do not know me at all, but you feel perfectly ethically content to post your flawed inquisition all over this topic. I already said; I work all the time, study all the time, and do what I need to do, all the time. Most of my friends are out doing drugs and drinking. I am trying to get my life together.

[turnera]

And I admire you for that. But you came here asking what to do about your dad. If you were going away to college, you wouldn't be having to mess with him. You complained that you didn't get to party with your friends, not me.

 

I'm not trying to be rude. I'm trying to point out that you DO have options. If you were just venting, or said you were, I would have said nothing. But you asked for advice. So I gave you a lot of options on how to get your dad off your back.

[turnera]

I just realized that what you probably really came here for was advice on how to change your father.

 

Maybe it would help to realize that you can't. Won't. Never will.

 

You CAN change how YOU interact with him, show him you are growing up and maturing, and give him something new about you that he can relate to. I see my husband all the time expecting our DD19 to do things in certain ways, just 'because' - because he sees her as his little girl; because she's a girl and not a guy; because he thinks all teenagers are out to get in trouble...like that.

 

If you can show him differently - not take his words to heart, rise above it, show him how you've matured and have your life in control - maybe he'll start to change how he interacts with you.

[cannon77]

And I admire you for that. But you came here asking what to do about your dad. If you were going away to college, you wouldn't be having to mess with him. You complained that you didn't get to party with your friends, not me.

 

I'm not trying to be rude. I'm trying to point out that you DO have options. If you were just venting, or said you were, I would have said nothing. But you asked for advice. So I gave you a lot of options on how to get your dad off your back.

 

Oh man... like I said... you don't understand his culture... besides, he even insisted on me staying at his house for college.

 

Yeah, well I was just clarifying my position on the matter. Paraphrasing, you said something like "Things aren't all about drinking and partying. Something to that affect, and I refuted your claims on that part of the topic.

 

And yes, I will consider those options, just like I have been considering options for the past year and a half now.

[cannon77]

I just realized that what you probably really came here for was advice on how to change your father.

 

Maybe it would help to realize that you can't. Won't. Never will.

 

You CAN change how YOU interact with him, show him you are growing up and maturing, and give him something new about you that he can relate to. I see my husband all the time expecting our DD19 to do things in certain ways, just 'because' - because he sees her as his little girl; because she's a girl and not a guy; because he thinks all teenagers are out to get in trouble...like that.

 

If you can show him differently - not take his words to heart, rise above it, show him how you've matured and have your life in control - maybe he'll start to change how he interacts with you.

 

No. I never wanted to know how to change anybody. I don't want to spend my life trying to change others, because it would most likely end up as wasted effort in the end. I want to spend my life perfecting and fixing me, not other people. So that's not what I was asking about.

 

I've been trying to change how I interact with him already, but it's hard and much easier said than done. Interesting you note about taking my life by charge - when I specifically said that's what I am in the process of doing right now.