Another "I love you" situation

[Justnotsure]

So I've posted a couple of threads about my boyfriend. A brief background: we've been together just over a year and a half, he told me from the beginning that he never wants to be married again (4 year marriage with his college sweetheart in his mid-twenties), he owns a business and his very busy, with little free time. That said, the little free time he does have, he spends with me. We have a very affectionate and loving relationship, and something that I love about him is that he is very consistent, always follows through with what he says he will do, and is not full of bs. What I'm not so crazy about is the fact that he rarely (if ever) expresses his emotions (about me) verbally. The big sticking point being there has not been an "I love you." To be fair, I haven't said it either. Mainly because I see how uncomfortable he is with that type of communication (the few times I've tried to discuss our relationship with him, he kind of freezes up), and I'm scared that he will either freeze up or take my declaration as an indication that I'm pressuring him towards a greater commitment.

 

Last night, he told me that he thinks it was a mistake to sign up for a one-night a week sports league because he has so little free time - and it would be better spent elsewhere....like reading, going to the gym, or....and I quote "you know, spending time with you. That should be the priority." I know this seems normal and not like a big deal - but it was huge for me because he never verbally communicates these things - and he was clearly uncomfortable, but did it anyway (as an aside, he is a very outgoing and social guy - it's only in this area that he seems uncomfortable).

 

So I guess my question is: do I take his actions and the few uncomfortable statements he has made as proof of his affection (under the theory of the different languages of love), or do I press forward, tell him I love him, and chance the consequences? Most of the time I'm fufilled, but deep down, I crave those stupid words.....

[XxJustMexX]

I know there never really is a time frame for someone to tell you they love you... but to me, it seems odd that you've been together over a year and it hasn't been said yet. Seems you may have communication and comfortability issues with one another. I know you said he works a lot, but by a year, most couples are very open and comfortable with each other already. At least enough to have a deep conversation like this about your feelings and where the relationship is going. You seem to be in the beginning stages of a relationship where you're not sure where you stand, but at over a year, you should be more comfortable than that... Is there a reason why you guys are a bit uncomfortable sharing these things with one another still...?

[Sanesoul]

His marriage must have been pretty damn terrible if he is this afraid of expressing his emotions.

 

He must be terrified of getting hurt and subsequently is terrified of taking this relationship to the next level.

 

My suggestion would be to have a long talk with him because it needs to happen. If he refuses to then suggest some therapy. He will never get better if he doesn't change.

 

That's my take.

[Justnotsure]

JustMe --

 

I think there are two different reasons - the first being that he is really terrible at communicating his emotions, so I don't feel safe expressing mine. During one "talk," I repeatedly told him that I didn't know where I stood with him, and he did not respond (he kind of deflects everything by turning questions back around on me.) I.e. - I said "I feel like I could walk out the door tomorrow and you wouldn't really care." His response "Do you really think that?" Or, "I feel vulnerable because I dont know where I stand and you could walk out the door tomorrow" Response: "Do you really think I'd do that?" And so on....eventually he'll ask me to tell him what he can do to make me feel better (as, I'm usually in tears), and I say that I need him to express his emotions more often....he says he will try, but that he's horrible at that kind of stuff and he feels actions speak louder than words.

 

The second thing is that I think we're both terrified to talk about the future - he's terrified of commitment, and I'm terrified of pushing him away.

[Justnotsure]

Insane Heart --

 

Yes, I think that's one theory and I certainly think that the failure of his marriage deeply impacted him (he's a perfectionist)....

 

On the other hand, I think problems existed in the marriage because of his independence and emotional intimacy issues. I clearly don't know everything about the marriage - but they did go to counseling for 3 years.

[russ978]

JustMe --

 

he is really terrible at communicating his emotions, so I don't feel safe expressing mine.

 

The second thing is that I think we're both terrified to talk about the future - he's terrified of commitment, and I'm terrified of pushing him away.

 

If neither of you is communicating your emotions then you're both terrible at it. The tone sounds a little bit like you're blaming the majority of the issues on him...it is likely something that can be solved through communication like others said.

 

You should ask him questions in a very open and nonthreating way and listen to his entire answer before you respond so that you really understand where he is coming from.

 

He shouldn't be in a rush, you shouldn't be on a timetable, just enjoy the relationship, if things happen, they happen...but to apply these 'when is this going to happen...or this...or this..." makes it sound like you're more focused on the future than you are on enjoying the now.

 

Have a talk with him.

[FreedomRing]

How old are both of you? How long has it been since he's been in a serious relationship? When was his divorce? And do you know if he still communicates with this ex-wife?

[Justnotsure]

How old are both of you? How long has it been since he's been in a serious relationship? When was his divorce? And do you know if he still communicates with this ex-wife?

 

I'm almost 30, he's almost 40. He's been divorced for 10 years, and in the interim had at least 2 long term relationships (one for about 2 years, another for 1.5 years) -- a big fear that I have is that the last relationship (of 1.5 years) ended because she pushed for commitment and he could "tell that she wasn't happy with the situation, but knew she would never end things." So he ended it. I don't want that to happen here, so I think I get scared to have a "future talk" or push him too hard to tell me how he feels about me. I'm aware that it's not healthy, but it's the truth, nevertheless.

 

Although, those are things he told me about that relationship....a friend of his told me that his ex was constantly crying to him and breaking down and wanted to know how to "get" him, and he found that to be manipulative. I'm a far cry from that, but I can't help but compare myself to her.

 

He does still communicate with his ex-wife - whenever he visits his hometown, they have lunch and are on friendly terms. She just remarried. They've known each other since they were kids.

[generaldiscord]

Maybe he feels stupid saying affectionate things. Maybe you both are mirroring each other. I would just come out and say it, because for me it's not a huge deal and I think it's best to be honest about it. You could always try slipping in more affectionate bits slowly; calling him honey or sweetie or baby; and eventually slip in a "love you sweetheart" at the end of a conversation somewhere. "I love you" sounds almost ridiculously formal when you're calling each other by first names only.

[Sanesoul]

It sounds like he's emotionally unavailable. You can't change that, he has to.

[Justnotsure]

Maybe he feels stupid saying affectionate things. Maybe you both are mirroring each other. I would just come out and say it, because for me it's not a huge deal and I think it's best to be honest about it. You could always try slipping in more affectionate bits slowly; calling him honey or sweetie or baby; and eventually slip in a "love you sweetheart" at the end of a conversation somewhere. "I love you" sounds almost ridiculously formal when you're calling each other by first names only.

 

Hmm....I don't think it's this....he does say affectionate things like sweetie, baby, honey, etc. In fact, I've never done as much of the "baby" talk in any other relationship. We never call each other by our first names. It's the I love you that is the road block. Sometimes, when it's in that moment where it feels like I love you would be so natural to say, he'll hug me really tight and just say "sweetie, sweetie, sweetie."

 

Last night his family was in from out of town - his mom, brother, and sister-in-law. We all went to dinner, and though it was fun - his ex-wife came up a number of times....I just can't compete with that history. She's known his family forever and she was with him for so long. I'm not jealous of her as a person - I know there is nothing left between them - but I'm jealous of that history and of the fact that she was let in. Even after 19 or 20 months, I just don't feel like I'm "in." And I think that has something to do with the lack of I love you, and feeling like I'm being held at arm's length.

[generaldiscord]

I think people generally find it easier to say "I love you" when they're infatuated. Maybe when you get older, infatuation doesn't happen so easily. I know you feel insecure about it, but maybe if you say it first it will stop being such a big deal.

 

You know when someone is afraid of dogs, and the dogs can tell it, and they start telling the person, "Don't be nervous, you'll just make the dog more angry!" and then the person is like "How can I not be nervous? there's a barking dog here!? AAHH HE'LL EAT ME NOW!" That happens to me pretty much every day with dogs. Families are like dogs.

 

Hopefully you understand that the ex had a valuable part in his families life as well, and hopefully you can find a tactful way to open yourself up to them, so that they find it easier to open themselves up to you. Sometimes, conversation stops when I enter a new social circle. It's embarrassing, and makes me wish I could just leave, but that would just make it worse. I just prepare a few stories of my own to break the ice. A charming smile and a short anecdote is all it takes to get your foot in the door 90% of the time!

[Justnotsure]

I think you're definitely right on the whole fear/building up thing. I think if you don't say it within the first 6 months or so, all of the sudden it takes on all of this meaning...it's like, well if all of the sudden I say it - what does they mean? Commitment? Seriousness? I guess i'm saying that it kind of becomes, what changed that made you say it now? To be honest, if he all of the sudden said it, I'd be thrilled, but would wonder if it meant he'd changed his mind about long term.

 

Had a major breakthrough today...with his mom in town I've realized his issues stem from that relationship...funny how much family dynamics shape us.

[Zuzu2]

I too am in a relationship with a man who can't tell me he loves me. He is 53 and I'm almost 38. He was married almost 25 years and divorced about 3 or 4 years ago. It's my understanding that I'm the most serious relationship he's had since his divorce. I even tried to break up with him a couple times because he doesn't say he loves me. He used to always say he was "in love" with various of my body parts, usually when he was having sex with me, and it would break my heart that he was saying that but not that he was in love with me. i've told him twice that if he can't love me to please let me go so I can find someone who will, and then he doesn't want to lose me. He tells me love takes time and that he yearns to be with me and feels emptiness when he thinks about his life without me, but that he is hesitant to call it love becuase of what he's been through. I have been with him a little over a year and it's really hard for me. He treats me so well in so many ways. I spend just about every night at his house, often with his kids, and we've gone on vacations together. I've even told him I love him in an email but I'm not saying it again. I think he also has this thing where he thinks if he says "I love you" it means we will be together forever or something. I've even heard him say about his good friend "Oh, he THINKS he's in love" (and his friend was engaged.)

 

So maybe your guy is like mine in that he's seen past infatuation and seen where relationships can grow and being in love to him means a totally different thing than it does to you. I've never been in a relationship that lasted more than 3 years and I'm kind of lost here.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to take over your thread with my issues, but I feel so alone in this issue of being with a man over a year who can't even say "I love you."