Broken up but still living together

[SanSerif]

I know, I know...everything I've read here and heard about says this is a toxic situation that requires immediate rectification.](*,)

 

I know she plans on trying to smooth things over, and that's why she's still here. When I kicked her out it was very final for me. I put all her stuff on the front step, including her. She has been controlling every facet of my life she could get her hands on and condemning anything I do that doesn't directly coincide with her idea of our future together. Basically, my voice in the relationship is that of a mouse. She likes the pants. But she's a horrible pant-wearer. I'm a peacemaker and a pacifist for the most part, but being with this woman for 3 years has brought out a fighter in me, if only to assert my inherent self-worth and dignity.

 

Long story short, there was a fight two nights ago and when I came home from work, she was here. I didn't retrieve her keys that night, which would have been a good idea in hindsight. I had a conversation with her in which I stated that I knew her intentions and that they would never come to fruition. I said I needed space and the best thing is for us to spend time apart, right now. She says she has nowhere else to go.

 

That's bull; she has two brothers that live within 5 miles and a sister within 10. When we first met 3 years ago, she was living with this sister. Her ties to her family are phenomenal. She's just ashamed to go to them at this time because they'll tell her they were right all along: that I'm a player and a user and I got what I wanted and am done with her. I have to tell you that I am so glad I trusted my intuitions when I considered whether or not I'd ever marry this girl. My relations with her family have been good altogether. I get along with all of them and have bonded with their kids...even bought them a PowerWheels on their 5th birthday.

 

I am a very generous and understanding person. I pride myself on my sense of empathy and basic cognizant awareness. That being said, I've put up with a high degree of manipulation and jealousy issues that are completely unsubstantiated and unmerited. The basic core of our issues is that she somehow wants me to 'change' because I'm not meeting her fundamental needs, but she refuses to take the steps to just leave instead.

 

In the last 24 hours I've made it perfectly clear that at the very least we are going to spend some serious time apart. I don't plan on living my life in the passenger seat anymore. I've relied heavily on friends and they have been great support, but things haven't seemed to hit home for Her just yet. Maybe she's just trying to make sure.

 

I agreed she can stay for a few days with her understanding of something: I know what she's trying to do, I don't have to do what she wants anymore, and there is no chance for reconciliation. Anything that becomes drawn out past that point is met with my self-exclusion from the conversation or engagement. I am trying to be strong, because I think this is the right thing to do. But she's still here.

 

Kinda just wanted to vent. Maybe you guys have been in similar situations?

[sidehop]

If you're close to her family is there any chance that you can sit with one of them and explain the situation without making her as a bad person but it's making your life miserable? After all it does sound like she's not the type to continue the relationship let alone consider marrying her.

[SanSerif]

If you're close to her family is there any chance that you can sit with one of them and explain the situation without making her as a bad person but it's making your life miserable? After all it does sound like she's not the type to continue the relationship let alone consider marrying her.

 

Well, that's a decent idea. If I were to do that I don't think it could be today or even tomorrow; my head's kind of a mess right now. I know it's not good but I drowned myself in alcohol the last two nights; my nights off. The first night I was just watching my show on the couch and she tried to talk to me. I made it very clear my position wasn't budging, and I think the best thing is for her to leave. The best thing for both of us I said.

 

The next night she insisted on some kind of affection show and tried to hug and kiss me, to which I pushed her away and reiterated the same thing I told her the night before. She wasn't listening, so I blasted some nasty rap music to kind of send a vibe like, "Don't f*k with me".

 

I woke up this morning and am feeling miserable and unsure suddenly. I do think we need to be apart, at least for a while, but I don't know how I can make that happen. With space away from her I'm hoping clarity will come to me and with it strength of purpose. The longer time is going by, the more my feelings cool and the weaker my resolve becomes, leading to me needing more support and validation from outside sources; my dad, friends...you guys on this site.

 

I feel that to cave in would be disastrous. With my decision to end things between us has come(I would hope) a heightened sense of respect from her. The idea that her actions and behavior DO have serious implications, and I won't take it. If I decide to reconcile I'd never have any sway in anything with her...and what little is left of my sense of self respect would disappear. Disastrous. I'm just feeling weak.

[resilient7]

Strange how nobody responsds to Posts such as this one.know its An oldie but i agres to sticking to your plan of action or át. Least hope you did. Otherwise you will always be stuck riding shotgun.

[redarmy]

When I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years last August, we were living together. He had nowhere to go for almost a week. He also didn't seem to take the break up seriously (I ended it). He thought I'd come around and had hope... Anyway, I stayed there for 2 nights and then moved out myself! Not permanently but for a few days until he found a place to stay with his uncle. I stayed with my best friend. I would have lost my mind if I stayed there, he wouldn't leave me alone!

 

I know what you're thinking, it's your house! Trust me though, if you have an alternative place to sleep for a few nights until she's out...do it! It'll send a strong message about how serious you are about not seeing her face anymore. She has 2 brothers and a sister? Let her family deal with the burden! Once she finds a place to stay, take your key back.

 

Ps. Don't argue with her about it, she obviously doesn't get it and neither did my ex. Just call her family, tell her they need to take her in, then tell her she has X days to move out (not more than 3 to 5 days I'd say) and make sure she doesn't see you during those days but that's all you need to tell her. How many days you're giving her. Don't be rude, don't yell or cuss... just straightforward.