2 weeks of no contact and I'm scared to let go

[grieving]

Hi,

 

Ok. So, I'm using this forum as it was intended. I'm reaching out for someone strong to help me out.

 

The quick story: it's 7 months post-breakup and we haven't gone without speaking for more than 2 weeks.

 

Finally, I decided to just stop the madness - I decided to stop waiting for him to email and call me back, I decided to stop analyzing our relationship[ to death.

 

I've stopped looking for answers to something he doesn't himself understand.

 

I'm at that 2 week mark now. I'm freaking out a little. I'm at the point where you realize you're about to let go and I feel like I'm standing at the edge of an abyss.

 

I've felt clean and restored since I cut off contact with him. But there's a growing sense of feeling extremely unsettled, of feeling like I'm doing the wrong thing.

 

I'm terrified of letting go.

 

Has anyone else ever felt this way?

 

Me

[bostonchiiiiica]

I know how you feel!!! My ex and I have been in contact weekly for the last month, but 2 weeks ago I decided it hurt too much to try to analyze his words and his phone calls so I am no longer going to initiate contact. It's been 2 weeks and now I'm scared he won't try to conact me, we will slowly lose touch...I have the same feelings as you. I don't know whether to let go or hope...But anyway, I have some questions for you...

 

What were the circumstances of your breakup?

 

So you all were in contact for 7 months but now you have decided to cut it all off?

 

Does your ex know you are doing this on purpose, or did you just stop contacting?

[lifetooshort]

Do you love this person? Does he love you? You obviously miss him. Tell him how he makes you feel. At this point what do you have to lose?

[486dx4]

So what was the madness exactly that you talk about? Yes, I have felt similar after not talking for two weeks but with me after trying to talk to the ex after a month or so of not talking there was no effort on her part so now I have given up. The way I see it is that I have made it real clear from my actions that if you wanted to try to talk again I'll be around. After that I just let go.

 

The thing is I did not talk every 2 weeks like you did. I have been doing my own things, living my own life, and trying to meet other people. And so far I have not fallen into any abyss yet - even though I know she has gone back to her long term ex bf who treated her like garbage. It really is in a way very much out of your control. You hear the words you cannot make someone want/love you but it is true. What you can control is what you do about the situation for yourself over time.

 

I don't think you are doing the wrong thing at all. If he was interested in calling, etc then he would do so just like my ex gf. Just hang in there and work on yourself...

[BrotherD]

lifetooshort

 

Your post is interesting.

 

At some point you have to cut your losses!!!!

 

I read carefully "what have you got to lose?"

 

How's about YOUR DIGNITY?

 

As we all know groveling or pleading leads nowhere!

Familiarity breeds contempt!

People are not attractive when they're begging!

 

NO CONTACT

[dikaia880]

I think before anyone can really give you a good suggestion we need to know more about the relationship...how/why did it end, are the reasons fixable? Was (is) there mutual feelings (love?) How long were you together...

What is the situation now with the talking? is it just checking up on each other, or is there relationship talk....are you or the other dating anyone else?

 

The more info the easier to give suggestions...Thanks!

[grieving]

Hey all,

 

Thanks for the support. It's good to know I haven't tumbled off that cliff of sanity yet.

 

Well, in answer to you bostonchiiiiica, we were together for a very difficult 2.5 years that included the death of my father, a lot of travelling, long distance, medical school and his back surgery. He left very suddenly, in the same state of mind I suspect men who leave their families in the wee hours the morning are in.

 

Initally, he wanted to be friends still but was having a really difficult time letting go, even though he left me. The last time we were in contact, we met in a park and he told me that now he's not sure he can be friends because he doesn't know how to do that with someone he'll love forever. He's not sure he should make his decision to leave harder on himself by continuing to be in touch with me, but he knows that it would be a huge loss in his life should we never speak again.

 

So, in answer to you 486dx4, that is the madness: he is unresolved about leaving and unresolved about being my friend.

 

And lifetooshort, in the park that day I did tell him how I felt, how much I still loved him. BrotherD, I hear what you're saying, but I feel that it is dishonest and undignified to hide feelings too. I know that I care very much about him and that despite the way he has handled our breakup, I would suffer very much also should I lose contact with him.

 

Anyway, he said that at the moment, his life force isn't leading him back to me, that its leading him to new things and that he's a lot more optimistic about life again. He said its not about me, that he's just not in a space to be in a relationship again. He also said he doesn't know what will happen in the future.

 

So, that's why I'm so scared: I know how very intertwined this person is with my soul. There are pieces of him in me, I see the world through eyes that are both mine and his.

 

But his indecision is driving me mad - I have no clear sense of where I stand with him, as a friend, as an ex-lover or as the woman he loved and still loves.

 

So, like you 486dx4, I've decided to fall off the planet for a while (without telling him) and see if his heart makes him reach out to me. 2 weeks later and it seems he's better off without me. I've also decided, I guess, to make the decision he can't - to cut each other off for a while so we can heal.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

Me

[grieving]

Sorry dikaia880,

 

I didn't see your post before I posted.

 

Thanks for asking for details.

 

I think I said most of it but I dated someone for a month a few months after we broke up and I've been half-heartedly dating here and there.

 

I'm in touch with an ex-boyfriend of several years (who strangely came back into my life just as my most recent ex left me) who wants to marry me. I said no given that I seem to be very much in love with my most recent ex.

 

The most recent ex, the one I've cut off contact with, was dating someone for about 2 months and he ended it because she wanted more than he could give. Right now, I don't think he's seeing anyone.

 

He's made it very clear that I can talk to him anytime about how I feel and that I can ask him anything I need to in order to understand what went wrong.

 

What do you think?

 

Thanks.

 

Me

[dikaia880]

I don't know....I think maybe give him that time and space he seems to need...Thats about the best I can do for ya, sorry...

 

Good luck