Rage Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Darkness now rules this valley It creeps by every door Taps at every window It always looks for more More people to make suffer More sorrow on which to feed More tears to grow it's powers Nothing here is ever free For the darkness has our powers We gave them all away We thought it would protect us At least that's what it said But what ever it was designed for Sure doesn't matter anymore Because the darkness has our powers And it rules from on the hill... 0X Link to comment
QTpie87 Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 i like that, did you write it or is it just a poem you have liked for a while? if you did, nice job! love Qtpie87 Link to comment
Frodo Baggins Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 It's really good. If I may make some suggestions, you can tighten it a little by taking "It" out of "It taps" in the second line. Also, you should change "sorry" to "sorrow." That's an amazing line, it says so much. With that line, you can do away with the "tears to make grow" line since it's a repetition of the previous line. You also might want to break the poem into triplets, but it also works as one continuous flow of thought. All in all, it's a great poem. You convey your feelings clearly and concisely, I look forward to reading more of your work. Hope my suggestions help some. Link to comment
Rage Posted June 6, 2004 Author Share Posted June 6, 2004 Cheers for pinting that mistake out frodo, it should have been sorrow anyway! I have taken your advice about removing one of the it's also Can anyone guess what the poem is about? Yes QT, I wrote it-that's why it has loads of mistakes Link to comment
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