I'm driving myself crazy!

[-Sanguine-]

can someone please tell me what is a reasonable amount of contact during this time....?

 

 

my boyfriend left last wednesday for his hometown (it's accross the country from where I am) so it will be four weeks until I will see him again..

anyways, the thursday he was there, he was calling me to update me every once in a while, friday the calls lessened..

saturday and sunday, if i hadn't called him, we probably wouldn't have talked on the phone, maybe a text

last night I asked him after him telling me he would call me that morning "I thought you said you were going to call me?"

an he said he was on vacation and wanted to escape everything. the last four days of his vacation consisted of getting hammered with his old friends all of which I have never met.

 

this isn't about trust, and i don't need a call every 2 hours.. I mean one conversation a day (more than a minute) would be nice. just so i know what's going on, but I feel pretty disconnected at this point..

and I'm scared that it's going to be like this for the next week that he' there.. and then I'll eventually snap on him because I'm already going crazy wonderining if he'll call or even text me.

 

i understand that he's on vacation, that he doesn't have all the time and simply doesn't always want to be talking to me. but he was doing so good the first few days to include me, telling me he loved me and missed me and stuff and now it's gone and i feel more like I'm a chore to pick up the phone and call.

 

and if it was me on vacation i know i would WANT to call and tell him what I'm up to.

 

am I being too crazy about this?

is it normal for him to contact me every other day if that's what ends up happening? i just hate it cause he'll tell me he will call and then won't, which really gets on my nerves.

[I_Speak_Jive]

i feel more like I'm a chore to pick up the phone and call

 

So don't become one. Quit nagging and complaining about it or I guarantee you he will end up hating having to call you.

 

The frequency and intensity of contact has very little to do with the love people have for each other. When I have been away from my partners, days have passed without contact and it's been just fine.

 

When my partner is on holidays, I expect him to enjoy himself, rest, have fun, hang out with friends, etc. I do NOT expect him to feel the need to reassure me about his love, and I do NOT need to be told how much he misses me every day in order to feel like my relationship is fine.

 

And I certainly do NOT get angry and demanding about it.

 

Everybody wants and needs a different level of "on-ness" from their significant other; for example, when I read that for the first few days of his trip you were talking SEVERAL TIMES A DAY, I was mildly horrified thinking about what that must be like. But for you, if you are not getting that you "drive yourself crazy".

 

There is no reason why he "should" call you that much. You would like him to, perhaps, but again, there is no reason why he "should".

[-Sanguine-]

Thanks for your thoughts..

I guess it's just strange because he did call me for a few minutes each time, a few times on Thursday and even Friday.. and now he just doesn't. So I guess I just don't understand why the change.

 

I know I am being needy and I need to just distract myself from this so I don't end up calling him like I was about to right before reading your post..

 

I am probably coming off as insecure and sensitive.. because I am and that's my problem not his. I don't know how to control it better I haven't said anythin to him since, it's just we kind of had an argument over something last night (not related to this) and I wanted to talk to him about it and he told me he'd call me today.. but he probably won't.

[Firiel]

He's probably just getting caught up with seeing old friends... I wouldn't worry about it. Over the summer when my SO and I were in the same city, he would rarely call me during trips home. Also, your location says Canada. If that's correct and he's accross the country, he's got a pretty decent time change to worry about. Maybe he doesn't want to call you too late or the time change is causing conflict in some other way.

 

He hasn't even been there for a week yet. As he's away from you longer, he'll probably start missing you more and will up the contact. Just don't let yourself worry about it... have a girls' night with your friends or something!

[Kumatora]

Ok... I've been watching your threads not knowing what to say since some of the posters seem to have a lot vaild, chill advice. But I'll take a stab here.

 

I see both sides of this issue. he wants to kick back and have fun. On the otherhand, you would like him to at least contact you when he's free. I'd have to say that you're right in this one. If he can't make a quick 10 min conversation before bed how his day went at least a few times a week, then something is wrong.

 

But here's what bothers me after reading your threads:

The common trend I am seeing here and in your previous threads is that you seem to be wanting approval from people. You seem to want people to like who you are but you are not to clear on how to communicate your feelings appropriately, or that you are cautious to speak up for YOURSELF. You seem very tense over the slightest issues that can be easily worked out through communication.

 

In one thread ( )

so yeah, basically, over the last few months I have noticed that I cry. ALOT. Mostly with stuff to do with my boyfriend.

 

and honestly, he's not doing anything to make me cry!

sometimes I will be crying because I am frustrated, but it's not the kind of situation where I should be crying. I honestly feel so embarrassed after and it's ridiculous. If he tells me he will be away for a month, my eyes instantly tear up. Or if he would be playing COD when he knows I'm waiting in the bedroom, I will burst into tears.

Perhaps you're coming accross him being emotionally needy? A lot of guys are turned off from that. HOWEVER, if you guys were planning an intimate time together, it's time to put away the games. Otherwise, why bother coming over? In that reguard, that is very insulting.

 

Here's another thread ( ) of you expressing your boyfriend STILL not being attentive enough 4069662]he's not as romantic, doesn't randomly call me beautiful anymore, even his interest in sex has gone down a bit, just little things like that.. I feel like I am still very excited about seeing him and stuff and he's not as much..

 

see, when I care for someone, it is just my nature to do things to make them happy; go out of my way to do something nice. I'm always there for him, doing his laundry, helping him out, etc. He doesn't make me feel like I need to be, but I am at his beck and call if he needs anything. He does lots for me too though so I never really thought of it as an issue..

 

but do you think maybe he doesn't need to impress me anymore because he knows how much I am willing to do for him or he knows he's already got me?

or is it just that he's over the honeymoon stage...?

 

And finally.... this trend of your boyfriend not being "loving" and "attentive" is still continuing on another thread nto too long ago ( )

I want to go back to the beginning of our relationship when he had to try harder. He would say sweet things to me that would make me smile for days, and he would kiss me. He would make out with me (something he claims not to enjoy anymore..) He touched me like he meant it and he wanted me bad.. now it's like COD is better than sex sometimes. I want him to say "I love you" and not just because I said it first. And I want him to call me beautiful for no reason at all.

 

Wow... lots of research huh? I hope this is an eye opener. Your relationship isn't getting any better which is why you post a lot of threads here. Have you tried sitting him down and talking about your issues?

 

Here are some suggestions:

1. Communication is the big issue here. without it, you got no relationship. You got a boyfriend who will treat you like a doormat by being too cautious, too paranoid to speak up for your thoughts and feelings about your relationship. If this boy loves you, he will respect you. he will work a strong partnership because he is your trusted partner in life. He will listen and seek solutions to resolve BOTH your issues you guys are having within your relationship. NEVER EVER be afraid to speak up, but don't come accross as being a b*$#% either.

 

2. there's a good chance he might not be feeling it anymore. He's ignoring you by choosing to play Call of Duty or takes a vacation without calling you back. I agree with you that he should at least call you a few times a week to tell you how he's doing. They don't have to be lengthy conversations either. A loving boyfriend would call you back if the opportunity is there. If the "spark" has died in the relationship, you need to address how you feel about him being less attentive (CALMLY) and ask how he's feeling about the relationship overall. You need a clear picture if he's still in the relationship or not. Otherwise you are wasting time with him and should move on.

 

You're young and from another thread, you seem very attractive. You need a boyfriend who is attentive, not someone who plays video games while you are waiting in the bedroom, or takes a vacation without being courteous to call you. I have a feeling that you are trying to give him some space, but he's not being attentive enough. it's time to speak on your issues to him WITHOUT getting upset. No crying or anything because it has shown it won't get you anywhere with him.

[-Sanguine-]

Honesty, after reading everything you just wrote and all the research you did.. one thing came to my mind.

 

It's all me. This is all my problem, not his. I am insecure, I need reassurance. I am pretty much obsessed with this guy (not in a creepy way) but he is ALWAYS on my mind, I will move plans around for him, I will leave school early to see him, etc. I NEED to fix myself before I ruin this relationship we have. He is a great boyfriend.. he trusts me, he is caring.. just sometimes I don't feel I get that reassurance I feel I need.

We have been together for over a year and you'd think my intensity for him would have died down a bit, but it hasn't. His has, which I think is normal.. but we don't balance out. I am sitting here going crazy about this and thinkng about him all the time. It's not healthy.

 

and I know you might think I'm just trying to deny the fact that my relationship is going bad because of him but it's not him.

 

it's me.. because when we first started dating he would text me sweet nothings and tell me I was beautiful and jump at the chance to have me in bed.. and I didn't need any reassurance then because I had it all.

now, since it's not as prominent because we've been together longer, that's lacking and it's something I've become addicted to.. the feelings of being told I'm beautiful and being missed, etc.

 

I believe truly that the problem here is with me. Which is why I go off and make these posts hoping that someone will contradict what I'm saying (my reality check) and then I go back to normal.. for a while. until, again, i need to make another thread to get my head back on straight.

 

it's a sad cycle.

it's also because he's gone so much. when he's here with me for a week at a time, things are better because he's with me.. but I get insecure when he's gone.

 

obviously, he's not perfect either from some of the posts you've read. but believe me when I say it's my fault. I don't know how to control myself.

 

you are right about my need for approval, it's there and i have a hard time expressing myself..

and the thing about his gaming when I'm in the bedroom hurts and I told him so, so he was better since then I guess

but also the sex has gone down because he says he cant do it as much anymore, he even tried some pills recently to help..

[-Sanguine-]

do you think it would be beneficial for me to see a counsellor at my university?

[monkeygirl12]

@-D-

 

I can relate and I promise picking up a self help book will do wonders for me I picked up "how to trust and have healthy relationships" you have to realize that obssessing and thinking about what ifs will not change the outcome of the future so driving yourself mad over it will not be beneficial to you in any way. it will only make you feel bad!!! try hanging out with friends you havent seen in a while do something you like to do that you havent done in a while...i love so much i put all my focus into my bf and its gotten me in trouble for the past 5months because I started to be the cause of the issues not him, picking arguments to feel like he cares, snooping to see if there is anything going on, asking why he hasnt texted me in the morning (we live together) etc it wasnt until he started to pull away that I knew i had to get it together or he would leave....

[-Sanguine-]

thanks! I might pick up that book.