To Take Them Back or Not?

[NSAinOC]

Here's my current situation and I would like some input/advice, especially if you are in or have been in a similar situation.

 

I have been with my fiancee for over 3 years (engaged since Dec. 2003). About 2 months after getting engaged, she said she needed to take a break. Well, after two months of taking a break, she wanted to come back and "go back to normal." However, while we were on this break, I came to realize that I had a number of issues with her and I felt very hurt by her decision to take a break in the first place. She promised to address the issues and do whatever it would take to make me happy again. This happened about a week ago and I have a feeling that even if she is able to work on these issues, things will never be like they were and I don't think I'll be able to feel like my old self with her. A part of me thinks that I will be happier without her. Is this a comon reaction/feeling after taking a break? Is it even possible to rekindle the old feelings after going through something like this?

 

Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!

[woobiegirl]

Sounds like while the two of you were broken up during the 2 months it gave you a chance to step back and evaluate what you had (or perhaps realize a few things that were missing?) It's reasonable for you to have doubts, questions, concerns, hesitations and other emotions that are probably still springing up since you got back together...after all, I would wonder if down the road she may need another break. It isn't going to be the same as before, but it doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. It could depend on why she needed a break, especially 2 months after getting engaged. If it didn't involve anyone else, your relationship could actually become stronger than before. I understand possibly part of you is thinking....she should have already known how special you are to begin with and resent her "needing" a break and coming back when she was good and ready, ...or she figured out that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Your pride may be saying...why should I take you back?

 

You mentioned that you think you will be happier without her....it may not necessaarily be that you'd be happier without her, but it may just be easier starting over fresh because now it's feeling uncomfortable. If you truly believe that you would be happier without her...then trying is pretty much in vain since your heart isn't in it. Don't be too quick to throw away 3 preciouse years though,...as you read on this site, there's plenty who would give anything to have a 2nd chance with their ex. No matter who your with, there will be quircks and differences to work out, so if your heart would miss her if you chose to walk out forever....then give it your best shot! Just make sure your both sincere, truly in love and focus on the fact that real love doesn't come without it's challenges.

 

Best wishes for you both,

Woobiegirl....

[NSAinOC]

Stepping back and evaluating what I had or what is missing is exactly what I did... and that's why we now have issues that I want her to change about herself (quit smoking, drink less, etc.). Before the "break" I thought they were things she did as a phase. However, I started to think that they were things she really feels like she needs to do and not so much a phase in her life. I am glad that she is working on these issues, but part of me is concerned that I still won't be happy with our relationship, even if she can overcome these issues. And another part of me thinks that I shouldn't be asking her to do these things for me... that she should do them for herself, even if we don't work.

[OceanEyes]

Despite all of the variables, you still seem to be finding life less stressful when she is not around. You seem to still have feelings for her, but not like you used to. You've said, "I can't see me being my old self around her anymore". One thing is for sure here: you are engaged to this girl. How are you supposed to go onto marrying her if you can't feel like yourself around her? If being around her is going to cause negativity and for you to compromise your own needs? You want to be with her ... "but".

 

I would probably just take it slow with her this time and be honest and open with your feelings about the break. Tell her that in her absense, you were able to evaluate your relationship and what you want, and be open with her about what you think. You say that you don't think you should be asking her to change certain things? Why not? You were planning on getting married, and though there are always going to be certain things that you don't particularly like about your mate, there are certain things that will drive us nuts in the long run (ie. smoking). If my boyfriend had a serious talk with me, let me know how strongly he felt about my habit of smoking and didn't want me to anymore, I would quit, no questions asked. Why? If you're planning on spending the rest of your life with someone, these factors and decisions are going to directly affect their life.

 

Taking things slow right now is probably the best way to go. Spend some time with her, talk, and really decide whether or not you can really see yourself with this girl down the road. Why waste years of your life with someone who is never going to satisfy basic needs and make you miserable when it comes down to it? Life is too precious.

[NSAinOC]

I'd say that we are trying to ease back into things... I know she is working on herself... and she knows that I was very hurt by her decision to take a break and that I am still dealing with those feelings. At this point, I am just worried that we are going to keep going along like we are and then discover that I can't go back to the way I was... adn, really, we have both realized that things just aren't the same as they used to be.... even though we both want things to go back to what we once had. Anyone have any ideas how much time we should invest on continuing to test the waters?

[woobiegirl]

Anyone have any ideas how much time we should invest on continuing to test the waters?

 

NSAinOC...I'm not sure that anyone but yourself will know the amount of time and energy it will take to put the pieces back together again or whether it's even possible. It sounds like you need some serious convincing right now. Your decision may depend on the "reasons" you are uncertain ...is it because she took a break from you or that she has some personal issues that your not particularly fond of. The changes you are asking her to make sound like healthy ones, but at the same time she's the same person you've been dating for 3 years and accepted her "as is" so to speak. Now you are asking for changes...you mentioned thinking they were a phase, but now that the realization set in that they are part of her personality you have concerns. This is most likely making her uncomfortable in her own way so in essense, you are both tip toeing around each other...feeling a bit awkward.

 

You basically have 2 choices, ...you can both walk away and start over with someone else, OR if you truly have a strong love for each other ...the 1st choice would be out of the question and you will find a way to work it out.

 

even though we both want things to go back to what we once had

As partners you can make this happen, ...it'll take understanding effort on both your parts but is always worth trying, just be honest with your thought process in the aspect that you would be content spending the rest of your life with this special gal. On the other hand, there is also the possibility that the two of you are finding out you're not as compadible as you thought...but after 3 years I'm sure you have a fairly good idea.

 

I'm no expert, that's for sure...but doubt whether there is a realtionship or marriage that hasn't had some sort of challenge no matter how solid it is...so don't be too quick to give up on a good thing. Try making a list for each other...one side positive and the other the "not so positive", hopefully the good side will be much longer!!!

 

I hope it works out for you both,

Woobiegirl

[blues82]

You have to ask yourself this: If she's going to pull this before we get married, what's to stop her from doing it after we get married. Dude, do yourself a favor, you sound like a good guy. Find someone else.