Can I Hear From The No Contact-ees, those NC was imposed on?

[brit]

I am at a loss. I have managed to mend our relationship to a great friendship, but he has no idea I want him back. According to the rules of NC, it has to come from him. He will be away all summer, on tour with a band, but back every week or so for a few takes. There are a few new girls in his life. Would it work if I imposed NC again for the next month or should I try and further our friendship by email and phone. I don't want to drive him crazy. The last time I saw him, I tried to look super-good and was going to tell him how I felt, but then thought the better of it. It may freak him out and I'd never hear from him while he's gone. Instead, I whispered in his ear, as some girl was by his side, that he was looking hot lately. Then I left. If I disappear and don't call, he may be surprised, since I always check in when he's gone. So have any of you guys had that happen with an ex, where it's been a bad break up, you've built up a friendship and then they don't contact you? Does it make you want them back?

[Hopingpraying]

Brit,

 

My EX, EX and I had a really bad breakup but fast forward eleven or so years later and we are very good friends.

My case is probably different from your situation, but I am definitely still atracted to her. I lost my viriginity to her and she will always hold a special place in my heart, however, she still has all the same issues we had when we broke up which is exactly why I won't try again with her even though now I am single and am going through a divorce. If she was to fix these issues then I would love to try again, but I don't think she ever will. I talk to her at least once a week and she is having the same issues with her current boyfriend that we had way back when...

 

So I guess what I am saying is whatever the reasons for your breakup if you have fixed your part of that, and he has fixed whatever his issues were then yes I think the two of you could work it out, but if you haven't done that yet then there is really no point in trying.

 

Good luck!!

[DrNick]

If you're back to being friends, then I don't see why you can't be straight with him and ask him if he'd like to go out on a date. Being upfront with someone is much better than hanging around and hoping that something will happen. If he no longer feels the spark, he will tell you, and you may both feel awkward about it for a week or so, but you'll both move on.

In return, can I ask both of you a question? How did you rebuild the friendship? I had a very bad breakup with the ex, and she refuses to speak to me. At the moment I'm giving it time (ie. not contacting her) to let things settle down. How long should I give it? 2-3 months? More? I would like to rebuild our friendship, because I value her as a friend, even though we didn't work out as a couple. She obviously had strong feelings for me and was quite upset when I broke it off. I then tried to get back together, mainly because I wanted to salvage the friendship, and things got out of hand to the point where she won't even acknowledge me. So I believe some time apart is the best start, until things settle down, and then try again. Does that seem reasonable?

[Realdeal40]

DrNick, if you don't mind me asking, why did you break up with her? Obviously it hurt her tremendously that you did. She probably felt betrayed and abandoned. But there had to be some reason, because you obviously regret it or at least regret not having her in your life. Moving from lovers to friends is pretty damn impossible for a long time, if it can ever be salvaged....because in almost all cases, one of the two still has unresolved feelings that make the other feel awkward. You gotta be strong and stay away from her. She knows that you still care for her, let her come back on her own schedule when she is ready. If she does, imagine how sweet that would be rather than forcing yourself on her. If she comes back, you'll know that she is serious and a relationship with you is what she wants? How? Because she'll fight for you and show it to you, if only by calling. Take it one step at a time, but in the meantime do your own thing and enjoy yourself. I hope some of this helps. Take care.

 

-RD40

[brit]

Nick,

I rebuilt the friendship by him seeing me happy and cool around his friends (he was around), and slowly we would chat and then started to hang out. In response to your response to my post, I don't think I can be upfront. I want it to come from him. Besides, he is away now for the summer, so there's no point in telling him how I feel. I want him to miss me. I want him to think of me. So I thought if I did the no contact again, that might work. Thoughts?

[DrNick]

Brit, why do you want him to make the effort? Is it because you don't want to make a fool of yourself? Is it because you think the guy should always make the first move? Is it because you want your ego to be flattered? What you should do will depend greatly on the reasons why you don't want to be the one to make the first move.

[brit]

he's the one who broke up with me. we have been getting along as friends. i am trying to rekindle his feelings for me. if i make the first move, it just put me back at the beginning where i wanted to get back together - but again, he dumped me!

[Hopingpraying]

Brit,

 

I don't think you should put your feelings back out there for him to step on them. I can't say for sure he would do this, but like you said he broke up with you, so he needs to be the one that wants you back. I fear if you pursue him you will just push him further away. It doesn't make sense to pursue someone that doesn't want to be pursued.

 

 

Dr. Nick,

 

As for how I started a friendship with my EX, EX, after about a year and a half after the breakup she called me out of the blue and said she had some things of mine, asked me if I would like to come and get them. I said sure and went to pick them up. Thats when she dropped a bombshell on me and told me what a big mistake she made giving me up and how much she still loved me. At that time I was just starting to see my future wife (soon to be Ex-wife) and told her I couldn't start a relationship with her because I was with someone else. She took it hard, but from that we have built a good friendship. We don't hang out together much or anything, but we talk on the phone all the time. I don't think her boyfriend would appreciate us getting dinner together and I know my Wife would not of liked it so we never did anything like that... But it is possible to be friends with an EX even after a bad breakup, it just takes a lot of time and you both have to want to do it. In your case if she doesn't want it then you probably are not going to get it, but just being friendly when you do happen to see her will probably soften her up...

 

Good Luck..

[DrNick]

Brit, I totally understand. I think it needs to come from him. However, that puts you in a difficult situation, because you don't want to get to the point where you're pining after him constantly and thereforeeee not getting on with your life. As difficult as it may be, you need to keep dating other people. If he's interested, he'll make it known sooner or later. Of course, continue flirting with him and being nice to him, but make sure that, in your mind, you keep yourself at arms length from him. Good luck.

 

Realdeal, we broke up for a number of reasons, the main one being that she was unhappy about me not spending enough time with her. I broke up with her because we were having constant arguments and I got scared that she was going to end it, so I got in first. I know it sounds stupid now, but at the time I wasn't thinking straight. I loved her and I did it because I thought it would make her happy. Isn't it ironic that the little time we did spend together, we weren't enjoying ourselves? I decided that the relationship wasn't going to work and told her so, but wanted to stay friends. We remained friends for about a week, and then suddenly she decided she didn't want to see or speak to me anymore. I continued to be nice to her, but she would not see or speak to me at all. I tried talking to her about it, and each time I did, she seemed to withdraw even more. In the end I got angry and decided to stop trying. That doesn't change the fact that I miss her. I want to rekindle something, anything, but how do I get over the initial hurdle? I'm thinking that I should wait at least 2-3 months before trying again. In 2-3 months, she will most likely have calmed down and the worst of the bad feeling will have dissipated.

 

Hoping, good to hear that she called you out of the blue after a year and a half. It's a shame the timing was bad. I wish my ex would do the same, but somehow I don't see it happening. She is the type of person who would rather run away from conflict than face up to it. Now that we have broken up, I obviously bring back bad memories, so she's not going to call me in a hurry.