I'm 33, she's 21, taking it slow, but looking for clues...

[unleadedword]

Hi there,

 

I'll be 33 this month. I was married for nearly 10 years, divorced last August.

 

I've become interested in a woman who is 21. We belong to the same congregation, and I've known her there for about 5 years. I expressed to her my interest in getting to know her better and dating. She replied after thinking it over that I am someone she could be interested in in the future, I have many qualities she's going to be looking for, but that the timing just isn't right at the moment. She's not going to be dating anyone, as she has a number of goals she'd like to aim for, and things she wants to do before getting involved with anyone.

 

I'm 100% sure she's sincere about all of that. She said it would be at least a year until she was ready to date, but perhaps more like 2 or 3.

 

I'm actually OK with that. I think I could use the time to work on things to improve myself and accomplish a few things on my own. Besides, it might be nice to just be "single" for a bit.

 

We haven't dated at all, but we see each other in the congregation a couple times a week. I try to talk to her when I can, but not overwhelm her. When he talk, I feel there is definitely something there, the way she'll look at me as we finish up, a bit of a "sparkle" in her eyes...I think it's there, but am I just imagining it? She's done nothing to discourage me, so I can think that all is well, but I can't be sure.

 

I think I'm really falling for this girl. She is smart, caring, and of course very pretty. I can assure you she is not one to play with another person's emotions. To wait all this time seems like torture. I'm thinking about her all the time, can't get her out of my head. It seems like if I have to go through a couple of years of this it will be worth it, if I don't burn myself out first.

 

The thought in the back of my head that terrifies me, though it could be unfounded is that at the end of this time, it turns out she's not interested in me. That I've 1) wasted this time, and 2) gotten totally hung up on her.

 

Sorry for the novel-length post here. I'd be interested in anyone's thoughts/advice on this matter.

[bzborow1]

She is smart, caring, and of course very pretty. I can assure you she is not one to play with another person's emotions. To wait all this time seems like torture.

 

I can assure you if she wasn't very pretty you wouldn't be thinking she couldn't play with one's emotions. I think you need to be selfish here and think about yourself. I'd start dating other people, and if the timing is right maybe sometime down the road it may happen.

 

I'm not trying to be negative on this, but have you considered that her response is just a light way of rejecting you w/o actually rejecting you? I mean, most women don't wanna feel guilty about rejecting someone so they come up with "it's just not the right time for me"...etc. But ask yourself this, if she was truly attracted to you nothing else would matter. I'm talking that gut level, physical attraction.

 

But I think you still can help yourself here. When you talk to her don't be serious. In fact, treat her like you would your best buddies. Tease her, be difficult, be cocky...but most importantly be funny.

 

eg. not funny

"wow, those shoes are aweful!"

 

eg. funny

"wow, humm...interesting choice of shoes...value village had a sale?"

or if she's wearing heals

"nice shoes....you must be like....wut....4ft9 w/o them?"

 

Or if you catch her looking at you and smiling...

"you know...i'm not just some piece of meat you can use and abuse, i have feelings too!"

 

My point is, you don't have to hide the fact you like her because of the situation. But you also don't have to TELL her you like her...

 

NOTE: don't feel like you've got to impress her at all. In fact teasing her a bit would also be a good indicator if she's the nice type who knows how to take a joke. Ie...it's a good way to rule out the uptight ones.

[mandylee4christ]

well, it seems like she just feels too young to start something serious. If she's a part of your church, she might be what I call myself, a "forever girl". Meaning she isn't intersted in dating just for dating sake- but if she's going to put herself out there and make herself vulnerable to someone she wants to ensure that this will be the real deal- meaning marriage and someday a family. It's not uncommon for a lot of young christian women to want to stay single for a while and be, "forever girls". It's actually a sign of a very patient, very self assured woman, someone who is willing to write off the dating scene until God brings that one very special person who may one day be her husband. I think waiting is wise- i dont think "being selfish" is right, because lets face it, most relationships where one person thinks everthing is about them don'tt normally last long. Selfishness can't be allowed to live in a long term relationship- because fact is- it isn't all about one person specifically. If you're a bible reader you will know that from the verse that talks about how we should not only look to our own interests, but also the interests of others. I encoiurage you to pray about it, and if you're willing to wait and she is as well- then wait. 2 years isn't that long and you'll probably find that in the long run she was worth waiting for. If you're very worried about it never working out, or her not being really interested once the time is up, why dont you ask her? Say, "Look- I am really interested in you. I believe we have a connection, but I understand you want to wait a few years. How would you feel re-discussing our relatiosnhip once you're ready?" Not in the exact same words, but something similar anyways. Ask her if she would want to renegotiate your relationship once she's ready and has achieved all her goals. There's nothing wrong with getting it in the open that you're interested and willing to wait. I'm sure she'll be blown away and totally blessed to hear that you think she's worth waiting for! Good luck!

[woobiegirl]

Hi unleadedword,

 

Welcome to e-notalone, I see this is your 1st post. After reading your post, I would say that you hit 'the nail on the head' with your ending paragraph.

 

The thought in the back of my head that terrifies me, though it could be unfounded is that at the end of this time, it turns out she's not interested in me. That I've 1) wasted this time, and 2) gotten totally hung up on her.

 

Although the two of you have started off by being friends, I would say it's unrealistic to think you would want to wait 2-3 years to date someone...especially if you see her weekly. At the same time, I don't think she can realistically tell you that she will be ready for you at that time either. It's difficult enough to predict our lives 6 months from now. I would also consider the age factor, although it may not seem to be a significant difference, it can be in other ways, (i.e. mentally you both may be at different places in your life...and if not now, it will later.) I say this only because I've been there and so have many of my friends. Although both people were loving, the gap in age would come into play sooner or later. It may not be what you want to hear, but relationships seem to flow more naturally when both are closer in age.

 

I hope you work it out, but you are right not to consider putting your life on hold for 1 year, let alone 2-3 years.

 

Hope you find someone special and who is as ready as you are.

 

Take care,

Woobiegirl

[Knightmare365]

She's telling you to wait a year or two, and you're doing it ? Are you mad. Isn't this much the same as "Lets be friends" or " It's not you, it's me".( so many cliches ) I'm just speculating, but it sounds like she is telling you 'no chance' but in a polite way so as not hurt you. Get out there and get yourself a female, never maind waiting on one that may or may not ever happen.

[unleadedword]

 

 

I'll touch on those two points, she is definitely the type you describe. When she is ready to date, she wants it to be for real, and forever.

 

As for the second point, we did have that conversation, and she said she would very much be open to re-opening the subject of dating when she's ready. As I said, she told me I have many of the qualities she's going to be looking for in a husband, and that it was "totally" just that the timing wasn't right at the moment. She wants to accomplish her other goals and then in a position to give her all to a relationship, which I totally admire and respect.

[bzborow1]

I'm afraid to say it but you need to move on. You plan on waiting because she said in the future she "may" like you? To me that's womanese for, "i don't really want to see him...but since he goes to the same church i don't want to reject him then have to see him every week". I agree with the one previous poster, you need to move on and get yourself another woman! The age-gap thing doesn't mean anything...at least if she was attracted to you it wouldn't...do you know what i mean?