Do I tell her how I feel about her if she asks?

[wanderingalonenow]

Hi all. I won't go through all of the details of my situation, but my ex and I are on friendly terms right now (she considers me to be a great "friend"... and I think I'm strong enough to be okay with that for now even though I want more). She's also happily with someone else. From time to time, we end up talking about our relationship and where things went wrong (usually by her initiation). When that happens, I usually just try to focus on what I know I did wrong and address areas that I've grown in since we were together. As a big "what if," let's say she asks me one day about how I feel about her right now (not that I really expect her to ask that, but I don't want it to catch me off guard if she ever does)? Do I tell her how much I love her or do I just continue to play it cool and tell her that I'm okay with just being friends? I did more than my share of chasing right after she left me and just ended up pushing her into his arms, and I just don't want to blow that again. But I'm not trying to lie or play games either. And in the friend role, I don't exactly want to meddle in her relationship. I think I'm better than that... better than the guy she's with now, because that's what he did. I don't think she regrets ending up with him (they have so much in common, they're so alike, she has so much fun with him, bla, bla). But she does know that if she had talked to me out in the open about things before she left, she would've never broken up with me (admitted that to me one day, but I'm guarded in taking it at face value). Lack of openness was a problem on both our parts, but I really feel like if she's going to decide to leave, she has an even bigger responsibility to be honest with me about how she feels. So that she makes her decision based on reality, not just her perception of things. (this is not to say I absolve myself of any fault... I take the responsibility for the way things were myself, I just think she should've told me how unhappy she was... she just pretended everything was fine until she found the new guy)

[odysseus77]

I HATE THAT....how she acted fine until she found another guy ....the fact is she said she didn't want to talk to me because she felt that I would "brainwash" (just because i was a lot better at making my points and smarter than she was) her into loving me again, and that if things were falling out then they fall out....then he tells her how much he likes her and meddles in our relationship and pushes her away for good....anyways to your question...i think you should have a response that mixes both options if it were ever asked...something like "i love being friends with you, but you know that a part of me always wants to be more than that..." something along those lines...the problem with using one ofr the other are that just friends: she believes that you've completely moved on and that could kill her feelings for you...i really love you, etc: while it would fight fire with fire with that *bleep* it could push her away if it comes accross to strong....good luck!

[woopsydaisy]

i think there are advantages to both tactics..if you carry on being friends and she asks you how you feel and you act cool saying your happy with just being friends it wont push her away.You can continue to be friends then.The trouble with this is your lying to yourself , and she may be asking for a reason...maybe ahe may have feelings still for you.

 

The other option is that if she asks you and you be honsest your being true to yourself, and all them emotions inside have a chance to come out..causing the her to think that in your eyes maybe that we could work things out, but only if she has feelings for you.But by doing this you may push her away, but i carnt really see the point in asking a question like this if she doesnt have feelings for you as well.

 

So i would just be honest only if she asks though.

[wanderingalonenow]

Yep. It sucks. And as angry as it makes me sometimes, the fact of the matter is that she was unhappy. She was misinterpreting how things were (the reasons we weren't spending as much time together), but she was unhappy and I feel like I should've known that sometimes.

 

And yeah, when it first went down, she tried to do it such that I wouldn't be able to come meet her in person b/c she was afraid she'd start to change her mind. But in that... I don't know, if she feels like that's what she wants, then I love her enough to respect her decision. It's just... at the time, I don't think she really knew what she wanted. There was me on one hand... a guy she'd been with for a year and a half and a relationship that would require some work... on the other hand, she has this new guy who is more similar to her, and a relationship that would be "easy." I think she just went for ease, to be honest. But if this is something she needs to do, then so be it. I just hope one day I get to tell her how I feel and have it mean something to her. Seems like our situations are somewhat similar.

 

I understand what you meant about doing a mix of the "friend" vs. "more than that" in my response. Thanks for the reply.

[wanderingalonenow]

You sound a lot like I did after it first happened... alone... confused... conflicted... angry... hurt... lost... and still very much in love. It's a really rough place to be in. I wish none of us ever had to feel this way. Some days I didn't (and even today sometimes) know which was was up or down, what was right or wrong, whether or not what I saw was reality. And it's so hard... I've been right there, and in some ways I'm still there. But... I took a turn for the better a few weeks ago. There's hope mix... as much as you might be afraid sometimes... as much as it might hurt... don't let her win. Take it as a challenge. Yes, you might've made some mistakes. I sure as hell know I did. But the biggest mistake you're ever going to make is not taking away the important lessons to be learned from the mistakes you make. A mistake doesn't destroy you... it builds you up if you let it.

 

I tried to stop dwelling on the loss and tried to focus on what I had gained. Because the fact of the matter is that since it's happened, I've grown up a lot. I'm a changed man... and oddly enough, I'm thankful for it. Now if you asked me "If you could go back and still have her in your life without having to change, would you do it?" I'd probably have to think. Because I love her more than anything else. But it wouldn't be a dead giveaway... I'm a much better person that the one she was in a relationship. A person I know things could work out with if we do get back together... I'm not so sure she could've lived her life with the person I was... but I know she could stay with me. I'm trying to appeal to the part of you that is still very much in love there. Because sometimes when people give you advice that doesn't address what you want (HER) you don't want to hear it. At the same time, I guess it's important to realize that you might not get back together with her. I very much feel like my ex and I could be happier together than either of us could with anyone else. I still feel that way. But I try not to be discouraged that we're not together right now. After all, it was losing her that catalyzed my growth. Something that... maybe was necessary, idk. And maybe we're apart now because she still has some growing up to do herself (which I think she does). But not being together now does not necessarily mean you weren't meant to be. Maybe it just means you weren't meant to be together for now. Maybe this was just a step in your personal growth. It sucks that it takes such pain sometimes... but it does take just that for some people. I think I was one of those people. My heart tells me that I'm better for her long-term, that I love her like no one else ever will. But if my heart had it's way, I wouldn't be the person I am today. So maybe it's time to start thinking a little more with my head that my heart. Once I got to that point, things got better.

 

I really feel like I got introduced to myself because of everything that happened. Find something positive... something optimistic... and hold on to that with everything you have. Take this time to focus on you and on you alone. The new awareness you get from introspection like that may be the thing that brings her back. Or it might be the thing that brings a new woman into your life. Either way, it's important. Not only for your future relationships (which may or may not be with her), but for yourself.

[Mix Maxster]

Thanks for the tips man, but I already know that. Why is it that when one wants to believe that they can come back through a tough realization or what have you, that they're still stuck or lost. I don't want to sound imposing, but the truth of the matter is is that what I believe is that my ex has changed her behaviour and attitude about everything so fast that it probably has come with her decision to leave. That goes without saying to me that she has problems herself. I just wanted to help her out because she did so much for me, I mean I don't know what I did or what I said on here to give people the impression that I'm somehow lost without her or that everything doesn't have meaning. It's kind of like I'm contradicting myself in a sense, because I want her to be happy and want to live happily with her, but she didn't want to. That's where I learnt my lesson, but who is to say it isn't because of something she feared in me? What if I were to say something that made her think, that's all i want. I don't care to get back togetehr right now as not enough time has passed and eventhough I have already started a good chance at maturity, I'm not there yet. The things that probably created doubt in her sitll have to be worked out and if she came back now it would all go to ruins. I don't want that, but I just want her to think about it. To sit down and maybe THANK me for being able to say such things so it gives HER closure or makes her kind of disappointed for not talkign to me about it. It's not that I wouldn't want her back, it's that I don't see how she can or why she would want to if she doesn't first understand my behaviour for acting the way I did. I do not care to play some kind of game to win her back, she's gone and the reality is I am living my life without her. She decided to leave, not me. I would have devoted my life to her, I konw we would have been happy together and I know that my life would be very very near perfect with her and that's the truth that I know. I guess I'm just frustrated because I believe what my heart is telling me, it's that there is somethign I can do or say to get through to her. DO not misunderstand this, this isn't a way to get her back but to get through to her so she would be able to change that which she fears. The truth is that she doesn't find it easy expressing herself and she doesn't find it easy saying what's on her mind, that's the reality and how can one truly live if they're dead on the inside? Thats' what she said to me and if it happened with me, what's to say it won't happen again? It's not my responsibility, but she NEVER gave up on me and I'm just supposed to give up on her because she wanted to leave? I guess the point I'm trying to make is that she's scared, she's afraid of something, the thought of what her "one" is supposed to be, what it's supposed to feel like, what "feels right" and why it does. I'm not trying to get her to think that's me, I'm just trying to help give her insight on everythign and for her to have a healthy head on me instead of thinking I'm a loser. that's the point i want ot make, I'm not her friend, but her mom said it to me herself that Kristin needs someone more than she may think. She knows how much I loved her daughter and I don't think she would doubt in a second that I would be able to provide for her and be a great husband, her mom knows that and this isn't about her mom. This isn't about getting my ex to think I'm her one or convince her, this is about helping her out because she helped me. I didn't do enough for her and I want to be able to do something before I vanish into the wind. That's what I want to do and it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm lonely or missing her because I love me now, I love where my life is, I love where the direction is headed, I believe in myself and in my talent, and I believe that I have a lot of work cut out infront of me and I am doing it for myself but I also know my ex would be proud. That is the point, but I feel that I should never give up on her because I know she didn't. That's the point lol and you all mean so well and I thank you for all your help really your advice is what had got me to where I am, but now that I have improved myself I see now what it is SHE did for me and that I am great because I DID that but because it was HER that helped me out. She did so much for me, I have no doubt in my mind the extent of which she loved me, but I just don't feel like doing nothing is solving anything or doing nothing is going to help her out. Because if she comes back, I know nothing will have been truly different and I know that she has had no reason to realize anything. That she has not gone through the same realizations as me and because of that, I would not expect her to come back to me for the right reasons. I cannot rely on this, but does that not seem possible? For her to come back, why would she? what is her reasons? does anyone really think that by me leaving her to get dumped or by her walking away for good that she's going to realize things? I don't, but maybe someone can enlighten me.

[wanderingalonenow]

I think I understand where you're coming from a little more. My ex and I... she knows that I understand her like no one else. And recently, she was going through a rough time because it's a time of year that she normally celebrated a lot of things with her grandmother who passed last fall as well as going through some minor surgery. I don't know if it damaged my chances of getting her back... but I couldn't not be there for her. I really let her lean on me during that week as a friend, and we talked a lot about how she was feeling. I don't know if she was talking to the new guy about things... and frankly it didn't matter. I just felt like after all we'd been through, it'd be kinda selfish of me to not support her if I could. But I had to do it from a platonic standpoint. I couldn't tell her how much I loved her... how much I wanted to be there and hold her and dry her tears... how willing I would be to suffer the post-surgery pain for her... all that and not expect anything back from her. I did it for her... and it was hard. But I learned a little about how strong I am, too. Because not too many people would have done what I did.

 

I know what you mean about wanting to help her along. I still feel like my ex has a really shallow, superficial idea of what love is. Sometimes I just... I want to be able to show her my love... so that she knows what true love is. So that she really understands what it is to care for someone. She, I think, only looks at guys she's with in relation to how they make her feel. They don't get to be separate entities with their own set of quirks and flaws. This is something she needs to work on... or learn somehow... if she's ever going to have a happy long-term relationship. But I'm not in a position to help her learn it anymore. Part of me hopes that in being around me, and seeing how much I care for here even after all she did, she'll start to understand what it is to truly love and be in love with someone. To date, I'm not sure she has. In my opinion (and it's just my opinion), I don't think she's ever truly been in love. Even though she's been in a lot more relationships than I have, I think I have a better understanding than she does right now. I know I love her. But I've accepted what's out of my hands. You really have to come to grips with what you can and cannot do. If she can't accept you... if she can't open herself to at least hear what you're saying... there isn't much you can do. And it doesn't sound like she's going to earnestly listen to anything you tell her. I know how much you want to help... I know how it feels to feel like you owe her... like you're obligated to help her... but maybe right now is not the time to do it. Maybe you aren't that person. But maybe you are, you might just have to wait for the appropriate time and place. It just doesn't seem to me (from what I've read) that that time is now. Best of luck to you.

[Mix Maxster]

The fact is I do not know for sure, but I have this STRONG feeling that she will listen because SHE is lost herself. I would only think this because of how she has changed so fast, but there is of course no guarantee. I'm happy you can see where I'm coming from, it's the point of what love means to me, that to me there's no such thing as soul mates as one has to realize what it means to settle down with someone or to really devote yourself to JUST one person. That is when you know you've found your "soul mate" and the point is, is that what will be her reasons for finding love? What will be her reason to look like we are hoping? If she's not truly looking for love so much as she is looking for just that perfect person, then WHEN does SHE draw the line and changer her perspective. Like what is her motivation to do so? if she's not thinking about it now, what will change her to start thinking? That's the point, its' not about me anymore, it's about her throwing away a chance, an opportunity at love... at TRUE love before I am with someone else. That's what is all about, not that I'm doing her a favour, i'm not that thick-headed, but it's the point that I love her so much and I am willing to sacrifice just so she can help herself, because even her mom makes comments about her daughter acting like she's unsure and noticing how her strong passion for music has been diminishing. When someone practically promises themselves they are going to follow throw with something or that they're going to make it, then everythign starts crashing before their eyes, how can they NOT be lost or confused?! that's where I know that part has to be true, because how can she act like she's not? She isn't someone I can read like a book, but wouldn't you react the same way if your dreams and hopes were being destroyed? that you didn't konw what ot believe anymore, wouldn't you go throw the same transition? That's where I want to do for her what she did for me, I want to be the one that is different and show her how much she means to me in hopes that she'll realize what she had. I don't care so much if she doesn't take me back because I can find someone else, that's a truth I know, but I'm tired of these games and she's not goign to change or find reason to change if she isn't challenged first. It really isn't my placce to say it and I know I will be told not to do it, but I don't think I'm crazy when I try ot do this, it's a lot to do but am I to just give up? After all she did I'm just supposed to forget about her because that's how she'll realize on her own? To me that doesn't seem right, it just doesn't, it seems so unfair. I'm not lost anymore, I'm not hiding from myself and I'm not listening to the bad people have to say anymore, I'm aware of myself and I love myself for me and nothing is ever goign to change that anymore. It's hard not to have her, but I'm still happy even though it bugs me. I am better now than I ever have been and my determination and drive to finish what I started and to succeed is like nothing I've ever had before, it's never been this strong and i've never had so much confidence in believing that. I have never felt like this in my life and it's all thanks to her and to my getting a wake up call, but I believe that I can get through to her because she will listen with her heart and not her mind. Who wouldn't be taken aback by what I would have to say, but if it made a lot of sense would it not settle in? that's what I want to be able to do, to make a mark that may piss her off at the beginning but will help her to realize or THINK because she doesnt' want ot. I know she doesn't because she even said that lol, she just wants to do whatever without worrying anymore, she just wants to have fun and party. It's like the girl who jsut wants to party and have sex just because they can and need a good time, but is that what she really wants? is that truly goign to make her happy? Is her being stuck inside this shell goign ot help her out in this new relationship? Is she ever goign to be happy when she doesn't know what love is? I'm no prince, but I'm trying to make the grade and I'm trying, truly trying when there's not many people out there who would. It's not that I'm frustrated that I'm not with her, it's that I feel like she needs me to do this for her when she doesn't think that. I dunno, but to me I have this thought that I need to get through to her before it's too late.

[wanderingalonenow]

I can understand how you feel... but you have to accept, in my opinion, that she's going to learn it eventually. As much as it sucks because of how you still feel indebted to her, she has to make the decision to learn and grow on her own. You can put it out there... maybe she'll be open to hear what you're saying, maybe not. But you can't get stuck on the when's, how's, and why's of her personal development. It'd be nice if it only took someone talking to us for us to learn all we need to... but often, that isn't the case. Something at some point in her life is going to show her. Maybe the time is now and you're it. But maybe not. She very well may be confused... but you can't force her to think straight. Sometimes it just takes time to regain your composure.

 

Thing is... you can sit and wonder about whether or not partying is really going to make her happy, about whether or not she knows what love is... but the only thing you can do is be supportive. And it sounds like you have too much angst built up to really come off in a way that most people would be responsive to. So if you do decide to try to talk to her... make sure you're in a state where you are in total control of your emotions so that you'll be in a good position to help her as you want to (if she's open to that).

[Mix Maxster]

Ya I see exactly what you're saying with that and I agreee with you because I really feel that what we will learn to do for our children comes from what we do for our exes. It's like we can only hope and trust that they turn out being good in the end, that if they go down the wrong path that something will cause them to come back and travel down the good road again. I mean teenagers often rebel and decide to do what they want because they finally feel like nothing is truly holding them back and it's usually through their going through bad times and learning the rough way do they finally understand what their parents have been saying. I can only really truly hope that she will learn from her mistakes and want to understand or change some of the negative she has in herself and is that not what we do with our children? You can only support and encourage your kids, but they ultimately have to do it all on their own for them to truly value, appreciate, respect or learn. They can't do it if it's all handed to them right? So that's somethign I know and understand and I feel that one person isn't enough and talking isn't enough, but it's a damn good start and sometimes it's the very thing they look for so it helps them realize or helps them to grow. It's sometimes through people talking and really getting through to us that we start to think thigns over and really ask ourselves. I know I've been challenged like that by many people and it took me a while to figure the answer, but I know I couldn't do it by myself and that's something I know. But it also depends wanderingalonenow on a couple of factors, that is that she has the heart to realize it, that she doesn't do any irreversible damage, etc. Pretty much it has to go pretty well in the bad way for it to have a good effect or else she may stay immature or never learn, see what i'm saying?

 

But as far as angst go, I hope it doesn't sound like I'm angry towards her because I really am not mad or angry at her in any way. It's just that to me being emotional about it shows genuine feeling and shows that you really mean it. It's not like being sincere and happy about it doesn't leave an impression, it's that putting a LOT of emotion into it makes a bigger impact. I dont' want it to sound menacing, but I want it to really affect her in a positive way either now or when she takes it in. I hope it all makes sense? Sometimes I feel I have to choose my words carefully on here so people can actually know what I'm tryign to say and that what i'm feeling isn't me trying to fool myself, kind of like it's equally hard to kidn of convince you guys that I'm meanin what I'm saying as it is to explain that ot my ex lol