Please help me out...going mad!

[sifa]

Dear all, pls give me your views on my situation...my boyfriend broke up with me around 2 and a half months ago...he told me he just wasn t happy anymore, was feeling too much pressure and that he didn t like the feeling that things automatically were getting serious...Hurt like hell but I said fine, I don t want u with me unhappy, made me miserable too like that...the thing is since then, things seem far from resolved to me. First of all, he was the one who first started talking about settling down and maybe getting married...in fact one of the few big arguments we had was because he felt I wasn t committed enough...so I don t understand why suddenly it was a problem with too much pressure...a few weeks before we broke up he had asked me for a few days break, after which he called me and we talked, and I made it clear to him I was in no particular hurry to settle down...

 

Then there s his behaviour since we broke up that has me really confused. Some of the times we ve met he seemed really pleased to see me, sent me message once after and told me that it had been really nice to see me...other times it s just a look...don t think it s my imagination that i still get the feeling he cares for me...other times he seems to distance himself, especially when there are other people around...sometimes doesn t reply if i send him a message...

 

It s not just with me that he s different, mutual friends have told me the same, he s more nervous, more moody than he ever was...he seems disinterested in things he used to be passionate about... the tension started in last few months of our relationship, started getting more and more caught up in work and seemed to forget how to relax, anything that wasn t work started to seem like a waste of time...i don t understand though, at one point he told me he was doing so much work almost as a way of escaping the relationship because he was unhappy...but if that was the case why isnt he happy now?

 

It would be so much easier to move on if i knew he was happy but knowing he s not is driving me mad...he s not actnig like himself...one friend told me he told her she has a commitment problem even though she s getting married soon...told me he just started talking about all his relationships without her even asking...his behaviour is so contradictory, for instance he seems to be spending very little time with his friends, whom he used to miss...and more with some of the friends he got to know well through me...

 

it s so strange...to me it feels like he still cares but he doesn t want to admit it, he s panicked and scared of trusting...he doesnt trust anyone easily not even friends...after we broke up i told him i would like to meet up alone and talk, and he said he did too but he needed time...after a few weeks i asked him once if he wanted to go for a drink,he said he couldnt then but we d go another time...havent told him again, last thing i want him to feel is pressure...but i feel like i m going mad just waiting...i can t accept that things are over like this because things just dont make sense...and i cant not care and forget about him because i still love him and deep down i believe he still has feelings for me and it s fear that s holding him back...up to 2 weeks before we broke up, he was still telling me and friends how happy he was and i know he meant it...told me he d been feeling lost but i was the constnat thing in his life...but to me he still seems lost, his friends tell me the same...so do i just wait for him to find himself? and how do i stay sane in the meantime!!

[turkishdelyte]

Hi there, first off I'd like to say I KNOW EXACTLY what u are feeling....its as if I wrote this myself!

 

Well my ex(?) and I were dating about 15 months, he talked about marriage and everything, but as time was passing and he said that "he wasn't sure, there is alot of pressure now" I was BLOWN AWAY! he was always the one talking about marriage and the next step....well starting of March this year things started going really sour, and I mean SOUR! It seemed like the happiness was going away, from both ends, he felt pressure, which guys can't stand, and I felt like this relationship was going to hit a dead end because now "he wasn't sure"....well I did try everything, including putting a little more pressure on....only because after 15 months I'd figured since he talked about it alot more than me(marriage that is) that he must have been somewhat ready.....well boy was I wrong...the pressure only made things go backwards....well we did break up.....atleast 5 times, each time saying "I'll always love you and take care, I want you to be happy"....and it was supposedly over....and hiw bevaviour, like your bf's, changed....he still called, we still fought, still kissed (nothing else) and still helped eachother out when we had stresses...well I took this as "maybe he has changed his mind" ...well it then became clear that we were used to eachother....we have become apart of oneanother....its not easy to break up with someone you love dearly...well we had out last break up on friday....YAH OKAY..I saw him again last night and we are going to talk today...about what? who knows? I think that with someone like your BF, who isn't all nutty and shutting you out there can be 2 reasons: 1.He is used to you and is having a hard time letting go...atleast until someone else comes along or 2. He is still madly in love with you and needs time, he needs time to sort out his feelings. But with this he still knows he loves you and wants to be with you....

 

See I am hoping I will find out which one I fit into tonight....Its a simple question....I'm going ask my ex " do you see a true future with us?" IF he says he doesn't know, well then there isn't much I can do, if someone after 15 months, seeing eachother EVERYDAY, doesn't know, then I am being strung along and I owe it to myself to figure out what I need and deserve...although it will kill and hurt, its better than it dragging on and later blowing up in my face....If its choice #2, well then I have to stand back a little, give him time, no pressure, not yet atleast...hahahaha.....I mean think about it, if you are truly in love with him and he says he doesn't know, then you have to stop denying yourself someone that WILL KNOW, and there will be someone that WILL KNOW eventually...its just tooooo bad its not the guy you love sooo deeply at the present time....

 

I say have a talk, see where you stand, make sure its not a NOW OR NEVER TALK, put the pressure aside, and simply ask "do you see yourself with me in the end? after all is said and done, is our love strong enough to allow us to be together".....if his answer is a ???????? then I think NO CONTACT should come into place, and if he still loves you, and it seems to me HE LOVES YOU ALOT, then the time apart will allow him to realize just how much a part of him you are and things will roll into place.....timing is everything......and body language.....

 

If you need anymore help, just ask....and if you disagree with any of this, I am sorry...this is just my OPINION and we are pretty much going through the same things.. after my "chat" tonight, I will try and post the results....

 

But remember, he CLEARLY LOVES you and take that and feel it and then think about your plan of action, not attack....

 

Good LUCK

[sifa]

Wish could feel more encouraged by your message...saw my ex yesterday in a group situation, was cold at first, hardly talked to me, then after a while came over and talked normally, relaxed...was feeling better today...then talked to a mutual friend today, told me she d tried talking to him about us and he got annoyed, said things just didn t work out, there was nothing to talk about...he said he wanted to get married and have kids but felt he d never meet anyone right...

 

Am so down just now...i still don t know what to think, do i believe the things he says, do i go with the things i feel? do i ask him to talk? i m scared that will feel like pressure...my feelings tell me he s trying to convince himself that this wasn t working out, but i still believe deep down it s fear...but what do i do??? PLEASE give me some opinions, feel so bad