chazxoxo Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 why do people always want what they cant have? think they cant have? or had but dont have anymore? Link to comment
Mustachio Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I dont pretend to understand the psychology of it all, but what I do know is that when you lose something, you focus solely on the good you lost. And since you block out a lot of the bad, it suddenly becomes that much better and the loss feels that much worse. Link to comment
offplanet Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 It seems to go way back, in fact, to the Garden of Eden. Must be human nature. Hopefully, you can reason your way out of it, by trying to look at something without the rose tinted glasses, try to be be honest with oneself, and face reality. Link to comment
dandan78 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 It seems to go way back, in fact, to the Garden of Eden. Must be human nature. Hopefully, you can reason your way out of it, by trying to look at something without the rose tinted glasses, try to be be honest with oneself, and face reality. I have and I still want it!!!!! Link to comment
chazxoxo Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 what about when people have something right infront of them that they can have and they dont really care. why as soon as they think they may not be able to have it anymore or they loose it do they suddenly see that its worth having and all of a sudden want it? why are things more appealing when they are out of bounds or taken away? lol i just dont get it? Link to comment
Tanzi Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I dont pretend to understand the psychology of it all, but what I do know is that when you lose something, you focus solely on the good you lost. And since you block out a lot of the bad, it suddenly becomes that much better and the loss feels that much worse. Very well put. You tend to feel that you have lost more than what you thought you had at the time ... but why, I don't know Link to comment
D_Lish Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 what about when people have something right infront of them that they can have and they dont really care. Maybe it's a case of, we take people for granted and we don't have to make much of an effort, to keep them around. They are always there for us and we assume they will always be there. Why as soon as they think they may not be able to have it anymore or they loose it do they suddenly see that its worth having and all of a sudden want it? It dawns on them, what they are losing. Like it was pointed out, they see your value more and all of the good qualities you had. Maybe they think they will never find another 'you'..... Link to comment
Queen1607308152 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Honestly, I think that people like to challenge themselves. We ask the question why do one want what they can't have? Its because they can't have it. lol. It's the psychology of desirement, we like to conquer what's a challenge to us. I know its crazy to want what we can't have but the truth is even when we conquer those things we desire we stopping wanting them. For example take my ex, I love him and I thought I wanted him back; despite his ill treatment towards me, but I know if he tries to come back I will not accept him for obvious reasons. I don't know if i made any since but I tried to!! Link to comment
chazxoxo Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 that makes sense. so if your ex wanted you back you dont think you would want him? i want my ex back but have kind of given up and tried to go NC but everytime i do this and try to move on he contacts me and then when i respond he ignores me like he's only interested if he thinks im gone for good. Do you think its different for men and women or does it apply to all? Link to comment
Queen1607308152 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I think its like that for everyone. See I think people like you and I give them the power that makes them think that their important. for me, my ex and i talk several times a day because I don't want him back. He makes me sick sometimes but I don't have to deal with him anymore. But even he like to play the NC games; I just tell him if you don't wanna talk fine someone else will. See I told myself I'm not going that route anymore and I'm not. Its not about him anymore, its about me and my children. As I said in the other posts he can kiss my grits because I'm beautiful and he knows I don't have any problem finding him an replacement. It just took me a while to figure that out. Again his lost not mine! Link to comment
chazxoxo Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 does your ex want you back now? i agree about the power its so mean to just string someone along because it makes them feel better about themselves. i do wonder if i keep up the NC like if it will make him want me back more or just make him give up. Link to comment
Queen1607308152 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I don't really know what he wants and I don't care. But i do know I can live without him and be happy. We talk but its nothing; I tell him what I will deal with and what I won't deal with and we are fine. There hasn't been any sexual or visual contact between us since we separated. At first I was hurting and upset but now I'm just done with him on that level; so what he do and who he do it with isn't really a big deal. I just try to deal with this rationally...I can't make him love me so the h!!! with it Link to comment
melrich Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 why do people always want what they cant have? think they cant have? or had but dont anymore? It's a basic human response. Have you ever seen two 3 year olds play? Put a piece of paper on the ground. They will ignore it until one of them picks it up. When one does pick it up the other one will then wail like a banshee because he/she now wants it. A second ago it was just a piece of paper on the ground. Now that one of them has picked it up it is the most desirable thing on earth. That is how we are programmed. Link to comment
Queen1607308152 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Yes that's it! Adults are no different really, we just have been taught through the years that its selfish to do so. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 that makes sense. so if your ex wanted you back you dont think you would want him? i want my ex back but have kind of given up and tried to go NC but everytime i do this and try to move on he contacts me and then when i respond he ignores me like he's only interested if he thinks im gone for good. Do you think its different for men and women or does it apply to all? I would think it applies to all. I've certainly been on both sides. I wasn't sure about how I felt about my ex and I held back quite a bit which he picked up on. I guess you could say I didn't treat him as well as I could have and when he finally ended the relationship I suddenly realised what I had lost. I couldn't believe that I couldn't see at the time what I had and why I didn't "relax" into the relationship more. Basically I could have kicked myself over and over again - the outcome being that I was desperate to get him back But now after hanging on for what feels like an eternity as "friends" and trying NC several times, then going back to "friends again" ... always with the hope that he would want me back I have finally met someone else. After a recent MSN conversation, he now knows this and I was surprised, to say the least, by his reaction. The conversation was littered with "luv yas" and what a lovely person I was and how he has always thought so. He has been sending me random texts saying "wish you were here". When I challenged him about how he had ended the relationship by saying it wasn't what he wanted and that this was all his choice he said "yes, FOR NOW". Although I am unsure what it all means his contact has definitely picked up and has left me feeling somewhat torn. Link to comment
chazxoxo Posted October 21, 2009 Author Share Posted October 21, 2009 Although I am unsure what it all means his contact has definitely picked up and has left me feeling somewhat torn. wow, thats kind of a similar situation to me and my ex although my ex is kinda mean and cruel but he also told me things which have confused me kind of like the "for now" that you got... my ex told me "i dont know what the future holds but at the moment just leave it" so i left it and a few days later he was texing me with x's and your the only one ive ever loved... as soon as i reply tho he ignores me so i dont known where i stand. but basically he only wants to know me if i break contact with him and tell him to leave me alone or if he hears i have been hanging out with other guys. the rest of the time he will ignore me AND he has a gf!! but when ever i tell him i want to be left alone and its not fair on her he will dump her (i even feel bad for her even though she has been horrible to me in the past) it just gets me down he only wants me when he cant have me and then purposely tries to stop me moving on. i do still love him but want him to want me full stop not just when im unavailable so im trying to ignore him atm gone 2 days without hearing from him i dont know though if he will give up if i dont respond or if that will make him want me more i just dont want him back only to be dumped again. so i am trying to move on this time so jellybaby are you hoping to get backtogether with your ex? and if you did gt him back do you think that might make you change your mind about wanting him? ive also noticed somthing else that mustachio pointed out while i do not have my ex i only think about the good times we had like none of the bad stuff matters this human nature stuff is messed up! lol Link to comment
Tanzi Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Letting go of someone when we are still in love with them is very hard but sometimes it has to be done. I tried 3 times to go NC with my ex. It was only finding eNA that helped me stick with it the 3rd time. He contacted me after 5 weeks and I stupidly made the assumption that he must have been missing me but I made a multitude of mistakes (all of which are well documented on here lol) and after telling him how I still felt about him he dropped off the face of the earth again. He then contacted me again after another 5 weeks and was being really sentimental this time ... but ater building my hopes up he dropped me from a great height and hurt me all over again. Before all this we were FWB for about 8 months. I was so extremely tired of it all. We still kept up contact after this (his initiation) but I think I knew it was time to move on. Miraculously I did (well kind of). I think he likes to know that I am still there for him even if he doesn't know what he wants. The fact that he feels he is losing me has made him up his contact and be more open with his feelings but I am none the wiser really. It sounds like your ex feels the same. I know its not a nice thing for them to do but to an extent they haven't let go either. Relationships aren't black and white unfortunately, there are many grey areas and that goes for the dumpers aswell as the dumpees. If my ex really wanted me back I don't know what I would do. Panic probably ... is it what I really ever wanted or have I, too, wanted something I thought I couldn't have? I don't even know for sure myself. I was always very much aware that that may be the reason behind wanting him back. Also I am in a new relationship now with a lovely guy ... tho I still have feelings for my ex. I would be incredibly confused. Its true you do focus on the good stuff. Tbh I had my reservations about our relationship for a number of reasons - we were long distance for a start (5.5 hours apart) but there was other stuff too. When we finished I forgot all about those and only focussed on all the good bits!! It sounds as though you really need to try to move on from your ex, especially as he now has a gf. He is playing with your emotions which isn't helping you to move on. There was once a time when my texts went unanswered, now if I don't answer my ex he acts kinda desperate which isn't very attractive. Perhaps you should try and turn the tables on your ex. You may gain some strength from it and when empowered we cope that much better. Link to comment
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