Is he with someone or am I just paranoid?

[Stella.Maris]

Hi, I'm new here and I joined because I really need to figure out what to do. Usually I have my own answers and know what to do but not this time.

 

I've been married 3 years to a man who treats me REALLY great!! He's responsible and hard-working, considerate, respectful (for the most part), romantic and loving. He doesn't really make me feel neglected or unloved.

 

But I have some worries.

 

First of all he really likes to look at other women. I always catch him doing a double-take or checking out the girl in the car next to us. Sometimes I see his eyes follow another woman. When I mention it to him he denies it or says he doesn't know he's doing it. Maybe that's true and I don't push the issue too much but I keep it in my mind.

 

Second- whenever I'm not with him when he's out of town he doesn't wear his ring. I know he plays soccer and takes it off or when he showers he takes it off and forgets to put it back on. At least that's what he says. He also says a ring means nothing to him and that it's the vows he took that mean something. That's sweet to hear and at first I felt good about that comment. But he wears the ring when he's home and takes it off when he's gone. I don't feel comfortable with that.

 

Now I've been cheated on in the past a number of times so I'm not the most trusting person. I know the typical signs of being cheated on. Let me just say even though he stares at other women and doesn't wear his ring whenever we're apart he almost always answers the phone if I call no matter what time it is (he's a bit of a night owl). He doesn't drink or smoke or party, go to clubs, none of that (he's also a bit religious. But I've known quite a few religious men who swear they don't do any of those things and then I see them later without their wives doing the very thing they denied ever doing!!) He also says things like "if you want to join me here just to clear any suspicions then I don't mind".

 

Thing is, I've had all of these things said to me in the past and STILL got cheated on! He just got back from Las Vegas from a convention where he went to buy product but stayed a couple extra days to look around. He was with his business partners and he did offer to fly me out for the remaining days. But still, he took off his ring and never put it back on. I saw pictures and he wasn't wearing it. I know things can still happen even if a husband is wearing his ring but not as likely. And I did talk to him a lot but I still have a very sick feeling in my stomach. He loves to stare and I'm just worried that it might lead to something.

Am I over-reacting or do I have cause for concern?

[samantha20]

I don't know much about marriage, but my opinion is that staring at other women is pretty normal (but kinda sleazy) and doesn't mean he's cheating. Taking off his ring on the other hand I would say is definitely cause for concern. There's really no need for him to ever take it off, and the fact he's taking it off so reguarly suggests to me he wants women to think he is single.

[metwo]

well.. your concern over the ring... maybe alittle... every married man i have ever known, takes their ring off when they are at work... or doing things.. i don't know why men do this.. but.. for some reason they do.. i find it odd since i usually wear mine everywhere... but.. as far as him cheating on you.. just make yourself more aware of things that are going on... see if you can get more clues before trying to pry it out of him because no man (or woman) likes to always be accused of doing things... it will eventually drive them to do it...

[Stella.Maris]

METWO---

I usually do keep close watch because of these things and have never actually seen anything incriminating, not yet. He does try to respect my feelings about the girl watching but he insists the ring thing is not a big deal and that he hasn't done anything. I have never accused him but I do ask questions.

[Stella.Maris]

Samantha20---

I have said the same thing to him---wanting women to think he's single but he says nobody even talks to him when he's sitting in a cafe or restaurant. As I said, he doesn't go out to clubs or anything so at least there's one good thing when he's away.

But still there's no reason to take off his ring when he's not off playing soccer.

[arcadefire]

If you have strong suspicions, if I were in your shoes I may just have a peek at his email or phone logs. Like you said, what men tell you in your face is wholly different from their actions when they're out of sight.

[Divine_Malice]

I don't know much about marriage, but my opinion is that staring at other women is pretty normal (but kinda sleazy) and doesn't mean he's cheating. Taking off his ring on the other hand I would say is definitely cause for concern. There's really no need for him to ever take it off, and the fact he's taking it off so reguarly suggests to me he wants women to think he is single.

 

I don't see how thats normal? Infact, I know a lot of married men who are over that and don't stare...I don't know why it should be the norm

 

 

well.. your concern over the ring... maybe alittle... every married man i have ever known, takes their ring off when they are at work... or doing things.. i don't know why men do this.. but.. for some reason they do.. i find it odd since i usually wear mine everywhere... but.. as far as him cheating on you.. just make yourself more aware of things that are going on... see if you can get more clues before trying to pry it out of him because no man (or woman) likes to always be accused of doing things... it will eventually drive them to do it...

 

Every married man you know? thats scary, I have never seen a married man take off their ring for work. My dads a cop and he still wears it to work. laborious Jobs like that are usually the only jobs you take them off for safety reasons. I find that uncomfortable that he goes out of town with out and I wouldn't be ok with it at all. He wants to act like a bachelor than he doesn't need to be married.

 

But it doesn't mean he's cheating.

 

Yes being accused can ruin a relationship, I wouldn't say it would drive you to do those things they accuse you of, but it can upset you.

 

 

Also you already have it in your mind that he is cheating and that is going to give bad vibes to him. He probably thinks you are accusing him. Set him down and say to him. It hurts me that you don't wear your ring when you leave. It has nothing to do with you trying to pick up girls or getting looks. I just feel hurt that you don't want to show your commitment to me. It would mean the world to me that you wear it, I show my affection and trust for you everyday when I put my ring on and I wish you would do the same.

 

 

That way you aren't accusing him of doing anything and he can understand how you feel. GOOD LUCK