The Severity Of My LDR Relationship

[LovesWar]

Ok, my first thread may have seemed overwhelmingly long so I've started this.

 

I feel the need to explain the severity of our relationship as that may help anyone who wants to comment.

 

We were together 3 years. Broke up when I left the country basically. It has been TWO ENTIRE YEARS (just over) since we have seen eachother. He is a 9 hour flight away. For the past 6 months we have officially been an item again.

 

All 100 percent great. UNTIL the last 3 weeks since i started being difficult - online ... now he is suppose to be buying my ticket over in the next 4 weeks - so we have come TOOOOOO far and I cannot give up now. Im being an irritating cow bcos i am stressed. He must just deal with it. But apparently he reckons that when i get all quizzy on him, he thinks im 'the same as before' which then gives him doubts.

 

The issue here is he is having doubts because he doesnt want us to be how we were before (which wasnt that great due to circumstances). Now how the hell do I make him understand that I'm NOT like i use to be.

 

Because Im Not! Lol - 2 years later I'm definitely a bit older and wiser. Although there may be things i say online that could give the impression i am - for instance - be questioning etc, Im not. I have bad days and im under stress so Im allowed to be annoying.

 

How can I make him understand that our relationship online is different to real life and the only real way we are ever going to figure out if we can work is when im there! In the next 4 weeks ... cos thats just duh!

 

I dont want him dumping me just before I get there! Even though he may not be dumping me Im not writing it off as impossible.

 

We have come way tooo far ](*,)

[LovesWar]

He said in a text ''its more than about you being difficult - I have other issues too i will send you an email ''

 

I know though, that this is going to involve him saying i dont trust him or am too questioning etc and he doesnt want to feel sufforcated.

 

What on earth can these ''issues'' be otherwise ? ? ? Issues that if we cant sort he dont

think we will work issues .

 

It was just a few weeks ago he was phoning me every day!

[colly01]

This sounds so like my situation. Were together for 3 years in a special relationship then she went to Oz for 15 months and came back somewhat different. Still the same girl but just different. I made the mistake of hanging onto the relationship the way it was (in fairness it's all i knew) and expected it to be the same, this is a huge mistake hence why we're not togehter anymore (well one of the reasons)..he needs to understand people change and if you don't change with them or at least accept the change then you are both doomed. Trust me on this as i'm going through hell as a dumpee at the moment. I would've loved if she came back and said i've changed a little instead of me worrying why she is slightly different which just leads to insercurities/jealousy/needyness/arguements etc etc and bottom line the end of a relationship. Hope it works out but he really needs to understand the difference.

[ResonanceTheory]

The only way to prove that you're not "the same as before" is to show him. Unfortunately, the only way to show him is to act like the "reformed you" again for a substantial period of time so that he understands that it was just you under pressure. This, of course, also requires that he STAYS with you, or chooses not to give up on you before you can "prove' yourself to him.

 

A side note: This is the funny thing about second-time-around relationships. They often remind us of why we left that person in the first place, or why the relationship should've ended. He doesn't want you to go back to "how you were before"...but what if you ARE how you were before? Don't you have a right to be yourself? Do you really want to be in a committed relationship (and possibly married) with a man who can't understand or commiserate or at least tolerate you if you're in a bad mood because of a bad situation?

 

What you showed us last night sounded like messages from a 15 year old trying to break up with his gf...not a mature man ready to buy a ticket for the woman that he loves and take a big step in bringing her back into his everyday life.

 

I suggest you rethink this one. See how he's turned the tables on you? First he came crawling back...now you are ready to bend every which way to get him to just talk to you. It's very wrong.

[OrangeMoon]

Great post ResonanceT...very well put.

 

In any rels at one point you are confronted with the ultimate truth..."can I live with the person I am with, just the way they are?"..

 

 

Yes..stress etc can bring about bad behaviours, neediness, insecurity etc. But there has to be some balance and also you need to have learned how to deal with those feelings in stressful times.

 

Its like saying sorry everytime you have done something wrong. But each time you keep making the same mistake. You either stop apologizing or start actually changing the behaviour.

 

Next to that..at some point each of us will come to a point where you either accept the annoying traits of your partner or decide to change them in for new ones in another person...

 

 

Your ex has a right to not being able to accept you fully...how sad that is (because the concept of unconditional love is difficult for many)..he has a right to his own immaturity in a way. There is nothing you can do to change that. And you...have a right to be you too..all of you is who you are.

 

 

When you find a partner who can love in a mature way...and when you can. You will just realize that sometimes you have to make an effort to not always indulge in your annoying "thats just who I am"-behaviour. And he will have to accept that you have a right to be you and not head for the door everytime he's confronted with something he doesn't really like.

 

 

However..distrust, neediness, insecurity..are always major roadblocks if you both feel like travelling jour lifes journey together. So it really is not that 'minor' and unfair to always confront your partner with that kind of behaviour. So please keep that in mind.

 

An LDR is one of the hardest relationship forms there is..and..I can totally relate to the hardships..but an online or phone rels is just as much an extension of the real life one..

Sometimes we can loose track of that a bit....but if you are not careful the difference in interacting can be a true killer.

 

So I don't know if he's heading for the door or not..I just know that you need to take a clear look at you and whether this relationship will allow you to blossom as a person as well.

 

You can not live with Damocles's Sword above your head everytime you are "not perfect".

[LovesWar]

Thanks guys

 

I think i have to write an email, just to let him know im not stupid and im aware of how or why certain things could raise alarm bells of the 'past' in his head.

 

I will post it here of course.

 

You know - what I have noticed about myself which i have not even bothered changing is that im impulsive.

 

we are on msn 24/7. And whatever worry / concern or anything really that comes to my head i say.

 

Ive most definitely changed a lot and would never be a needy or insecure partner to him, ever. But i find I can just blab without thinkng of consequences. For instance if i ask him about something which i find odd, and he explains ... great. but if i still find it odd, or that it doesnt make sense, even 4 hours later .. if it pops into my head, il just type ''babe i just dont understand why ....'' and bring it up.

 

I suppose im a person who likes CLARITY - i will ask and ask until i 100 percent understand.

 

Maybe this has come accross or being taken the wrong. Maybe he sees this as 'not trusting him' as he has said once when ive done that 'just believe me' - its not that im

not believing him its that i dont understand it, i want more details!

 

So maybe i need to just stop doing that, could that get annoying?

 

It really isnt intentional, but if someone finds small details trivial, like him and I obsess over them, maybe thats irritating.

 

I think i want to tell him this, cos i dont want that being confused with 'not trusting' or 'questioning' per se

 

....

 

PS - Ive only been doing this more over the last few weeks - since he's had lots of events on. And i suppose its cos he's so far away -

could this be the issue ... i wonder

[LovesWar]

As u know he's away for a birthday do ... in France.

 

I had sent him that message last night saying ''i dont deserve to be treated this way ur either getting pleasure out of hurting me or dont give a sht at all''

 

Heard nothing till now. He texted ME this:

 

''' Sorry. Im just trying to have a good weekend. Havn't had one in a while. X France was good. Don't mention it ''

 

What does dont mention it mean? It looks like an incomplete sentence as there was no fullstop etc after.

 

Is he saying 'dont mention or bring up our talk that we are suppose to have. or is he basically saying 'thanks for asking' type thing.

 

????

 

And what do i do - ?

[bronte]

I don't know, that text is confusing! I already told you what I think about him trying to have a good weekend while you're in emotional pain, so I won't repeat that...However, in regards to how much time you've put into the relationship, that definitely is something to consider before making any drastic decisions. BUT you can look at it in two ways: "I've put so much time in that I *can't* abandon it now" or "I've already put so much time in that I really, really can't afford to put in any more if this isn't going to work out." While this may not be your situation (only you can decide that), sometimes in a relationship that's not working your only real choices are to leave now or leave later.

 

You're considering uprooting your entire life for him. You have a right to be listened to and to have him place more priority on your mental health and happiness than on his "good weekend". You've said so many things in your posts where you're blaming yourself for all the problems in your relationship, and I'm sure that you've made mistakes--we all have! But I can tell you from an outside perspective that he is not behaving perfectly either--he's being callous and cruel to you whether he intends to be or not. You deserve better than that.

[LovesWar]

thanks Bronte for all your time replying ...

 

Neither of us are perfect like u say nobody is, so things are forgiveable. He really does have a serious communication issue. He is a strange one hey.

 

He is very quiet - but at the same time not. You know most people discuss there issues with their friends at least. I can tell you FACTUALLY he very rarely would EVER ask for advise... he just doesnt do the whole talk thing. Not good - he's suppose to b working on that.

 

I have no idea what to thik either of that text. The up side is that, why would he even bother texting me if he really was 'forgetting' for the evening. Obviously i must be on his mind ... And if the real conclusion was it was over then i really dont think he'd care to text - he'd just wait to send the email no?

 

I am moving, but please know i was living where he is now for at least 5 years. I do have lots of friends there and family. So although he is the prime reason for me going now ... he is not the only reason. I'd love to go back i miss my friends.

 

Regardless of what happens, I will go back. Ive had it in my head that il be seeing him, my mates etc again, so that is whats happening.

 

Whatever happens, I also know that when i get there, there will be an 'us' or a try, im nearly convinced. There is no way after all this time - i could arrive there and him not want to try. i just dont see it as being possible considering all we have been through.

 

I could be soooooo wrong - but yeah, IRRITATING!

[LovesWar]

aND to be perfectly honest i also think he's 'given up' on the idea that i will ever get there. He kept begging me to set the dates so he could buy my ticket. begging begging begging. I actually had to tell him to stop pressuring ME so much - eventually he said 'ok well i give up then, you come over when you come over'

 

I realise now that for the sake of this working i really do need to get there. I kept postponing it cos i kept having other things to tie up. In all fairness though, im like that - I could find loose ends to tie up for the next 5 years if i wanted.

 

I think i need to just get my asssss over a.s.a.p