Are long distance relationships good.

[Sam the ferret man]

Long distance relationships are not always good are they like for one you don't know what your other girls doing on the otherside of the world and for two you go through half your life not kissing her. I need your help oh and by the way another question for a first kiss is the hand the best or the cheek and so on! HELP FOR ME

[Tinkerbell]

Long-distance relationships can be difficult, that's for sure, but if you really care for the person you will make the effort. For the first kiss issue, I'd say a kiss on the cheek is sweet if you guys are just getting to know each other and are unsure of where the relationship is heading.

[ck]

In my opinion it's terrible, that's why I can't see why people get involved in internet relationships. Well I understand because your lonely, but I could never do that because you can't get to do the physical things you can do with a person who is actually in the same room as you like touching, kissing, hugging and of course intercourse.

 

I view long distant relationships the same way, a lot of money and uncertainty involved, too risky for a lot of things to go wrong.

[phil1981UK]

Stay well clear buddy, im in an LDR and its tough, very tough. I dont know whether you already met her or not, but if not my advice is maybe not valid. I met a girl, we dated for a few months, fell in love, then she had to go home (800 miles way in a different country), now were trying to make it work accross the distance and its tough as hell.

 

If you have never met her then I dont see how you can have a relationship of any kind, the whole idea of having a girlfriend you never met is at best bizarre!!!

 

If you have met her and know you love her then try, but be ready for nights of lonliness thinking about her all the time!!!

 

As for kissing, go for the cheek, but do that thing where you hold your cheeks together as you do it, kiss her cheek quite a few times, but with each kiss move towards her mouth, nice! Ohh but if you never met her go for the cheek just once or youll get a slap ;-)

 

Good luck.

[neva_black_n_white]

ldr is a pretty difficult experiance to encounter if your not ready for it, but its not like the small print on contracts and not knowing what your letting yourself in for you do know what its about, its obvious that yiou wont see them etc. its just something you have to be prepared for and ready for, if you really like this woman and can see a future then thats good.

 

but it is hard, its hard enough being in a relationship and feeling like its long distance!

 

kel

[roark1216]

The short answer to your question is: NO. Long distance relationships are NOT good. I had one in college and just am coming off of another one now, six years later.

 

I will temper my response with this: a long distance relationship *may* work if you and your partner are able to do a few things:

1) You're both equally committed;

2) You both have ***EXCELLENT*** communications skills;

3) This is the most important of all: you have A PLAN.

 

Steps 1 and 2 are there to keep you from getting burned out - and secret tip here - you or your mate will at some point get burned out. Trust me. Ask anyone - you WILL get burned out of trying to 'keep things going'. The reasons are simple: it is nearly impossible to have 'a relationship' when you are not together. You don't share those little daily things that create a relationship. Intead, you relationship is based off of living on what past yo've had to build this relationship.

 

That only goes so far.

 

Now, Step #3 is the most important. If you don't have a timeline - a plan - of when you two are going to be 'together' or if you don't think you WANT a timeline then forget about the whole thing. Period, end of sentence. Go no further.

 

It is VITAL that you have a plan and that you two are both working toward it constantly so that you can both see a light at the end of the tunnel. If there is no plan, if one of you won't move, etc. Then the whole relationship is built on nothing, ultimately.

 

This is the most sincere I can be. Long Distance works for a SHORT term, and it can work for a LONGER term if you have a very solid plan and are both working to achieve the same goal. It requires lots of maturity, communication, determination and stamina.

 

And trust me - it is the stamina and 'interest' that usually dies out first, and usually from the female's side.

[kungfumaster]

Wow - listen to Roark1216. I totally agree!

 

I just realized I had just #1 on your list there. I guess maybe that's why my ldr died after 3 months - I wish I knew that list before. I guess I know that I was commited - as for her - she was commited I think before our ldr, and then as soon as we were in it, I think she slowly lost her commitment. I was still commited to her though - but I guess she wasn't - otherwise, she would still be trying right?? (It's been almost 4 months now since she dumped me).

 

As for #2, well, I really tried hard with this one. I really think I tried to communicate well with her, but I guess it takes two to communicate well, and it was just so hard to get her to express her feelings, or to talk - so - I don't know.

 

As for #3 - you're right we should have made a plan - a timeline of what would happen - in a way, there was a timeline - I mean, I asked her if she could wait for maybe 2 years for me - the first year, I would need to get some experience in my career, and then in the second year, I would apply to places that both me and her could live for the rest of our lives - but I guess she couldn't wait. I guess maybe she got burned out, and couldn't continue our relationship based on our 2 years when we were actually together - I don't know - I thought we could make it, actually - she did too initially, but then I still don't know what happened?? Can you give us more insight roark1216 in why maybe your ldr didn't work out - I'm still not sure why mine didn't work out - she said we had a lot of problems - but we had alot of problems when we were together, and she didn't mind them then, and we'd always work them out when we were together - what was different now?? Actually, she would actually avoid our problems when we were together in the same city, but when we were in the ldr, she suddenly would highlight these problems - I don't know - I mean its hard enough to be in an ldr.

 

Okay, enough beatching for tonight I guess. Thanks for listening - great insight roark1216!! I guess so since you've had alot of experience - thanks for sharing your insights!! I'm sure alot of people will agree. Good night

 

As for #3

[roark1216]

There are never any really good reasons why an LDR doesn't work out. The only answer I can give you is that "time and distance erode your feelings".

 

A relationship, intrinsically, requires that you two spend time together, physically, to create and maintain a bond. If you don't have that contact, the bond slowly deteriorates and eventually you cross a threshold of no return and it will usually be on the woman's behalf first.

 

You can be the world's greatest communicator - putting Reagan an Clinton both to shame - but without the constant daily contact, the distance will take its toll.

 

This is why I will NEVER suggest ANYONE begin a relationship 'long distance' to begin with (in other words, you should have built up a strong relationship first - if you don't even have that, then frankly you are a fool for trying to start a 'virtual relationship'). And if you find yourself having to be in one - you must both have intentions very clear and a timeline.

 

Even then that is absolutely no guarantee that one of you will not eventually 'burn out'. It is inevitable - it will happen.

[take_the_reins]

WELL... i happen to think all of you are wrong! well not so much wrong but just because you'va had bad experiences with LDRs then it doens mean that they dont work, i am in a LDR and we've been together for a while .. he lives about 200 miles from me .. BUT i go down every weekend ...!

this is going to work!

[take_the_reins]

sorry and i also would say go for a kiss on the check ....

she'll think its cute

 

Take_the_reins x

[lifeinanutshell]

I am in a ldr, and yes it is very hard. She lives 6,000 miles away and i've only met her for 3 weeks in me whole life. We chat every day and have done for the last 3.5 years, but its only recently really that we've 'become serious' if u know what I mean. She was more of a pen-friend before.. but I went there in December for 2 weeks, 3 months later she is here (right now! yay! for 3 weeks and we are developing a plan! (which is important we realise now).

 

I hope we can come up with something.. she wants to come to my country to study and there are possibilities. (she has had offers from Uni's here). So I'm hopeful .. but she will have to go back in 3 weeks time whatever happens I expect.. I might have to go with her lol. Its been a hard time so far, and its only going to get harder now that we are more serious. But.. I am keeping the faith against the odds. Call me stupid, but its beyond the control of any reasonable sense now.. we'll have to keep going until we crash, or break through!

 

(just wanted to post something a bit more positive here

[HeartOnWheels]

Having just given advice in another thread, I'll echo these sentiments.

 

I'm in an LDR, my girl too is with me at the moment till after Easter. It is EXTREMELY hard during the times I'm without her, but we DO have a plan and that plan involves her moving her in June. Cut a long story short, known each 3 years and now we are truly serious.

 

LDR's get a bad press because of the fact you're not close to the person and that a great emphasis is placed on trust. What critics of LDR's DON'T tell you is the good they can bring. My lady and I are awesome communicators now as a result of the amount of the time we've been apart. Many couples in LDR's talk, a LOT. Sure it can be about everyday stuff or it can be deep and meaningful. We've had a much better chance to find out everything about each other because we set time aside to talk, every night and weekends when apart. 'Regular' couples may be out at bars, cinemas and the like, together but maybe not talking in the same volume or level.

 

I would be cautious of LDR's if you're in the position of starting/restarting one. Because I've been in a secure and stable LDR where my girl and I are getting close to the point of permanent togetherness, I'm an advocate of them, but caution is advised. LDR's are NOT to be taken lightly. Even though we're a strong couple, the month and half before we can be together for good is going to be just as hard as it always is.

 

LDR's are like any relationship, be sure before you get into them. Just because it doesn't involve you going to a bar and picking up a girl/guy, doesn't mean it's not an acceptable relationship form though.

[faeriechyld]

LDR are difficult, yes this is true. I'm in one myself, but not only am I at the moment 2,000 miles away from my boyfriend, he's also in the military. So the idea of planning anything is really difficult. The military basically owns him for at least the next 4 years, and I have to accept that like it or not. I've gone to visit him once already and I have a plan to see him again at the end of the month. Right now planning is a little easier since he's in Tech school. We're still waiting to find out where he will be stationed.

 

The fact is, yeah, it's a rough road. But each party has to decide to make the effort, and each party can change their mind at any moment. My boyfriend may have a contract with the military, but he does not have a contract with me. At this point, we've both made the active decision to be together. But this can change, and it's something we both know.

 

And this is what a long distance relationship is all about. Actively making the decision to continuously stay committed, stay involved, stay in contact, and make it work. But -both- parties have to do this. It cannot be a one-sided attempt. And I think what happens a lot is that one side decides they don't want to continue the relationship, and those lovely communication skills they had throughout the entire relationship desolve as soon as the idea of breaking up comes in. They don't know how to do it, they don't want to hurt the other person, they don't want to get hurt by the other person if the other person lashes out. Which happens a lot too. This is obviously not an excuse. If the person was such a great communicator throughout the relationship, they need to see those skills through the end. It is difficult, but it has to be done. I say this, knowing that I have failed in this department. But I'm hoping if the situation comes around with my boyfriend now that I change my decision to stay with him, I will be upfront and honest with him about it. However, I'm really hoping that day never comes.

 

I will warn about LDR's, but I will not warn against. Because I don't like the idea that trying a LDR is "too big a risk." What's the point of life if you don't take risks? If you don't make mistakes? I mean, if everything in life was supposed to be simple and vanilla, why do we bother? It's the challenges, the decisions, the risks that make life interesting. LDR's may be a big risk to take, but that's where that active decision aspect I mentioned earlier comes in.

 

And a part of that active decision is continuously talking it over with your partner. I talk to my boyfriend about 3 to 4 nights out of the week. I also write him once or twice a week on the nights we can't talk. Sometimes we talk for hours, sometimes his time is limited to 10 minutes, but every time we talk I let him know in some shape or form that I have made the decision again today to be with him.

 

One last thing to keep in mind before I end this ramble. Don't try to plan for a month from now where your mind will be. You can plan a meeting, but don't be so sure you'll still be just as committed as you are now. It's fun to dream about the future, but don't let it rule your life.

[innocentdreamer]

my bf n me werent separated by distance but by our fams and it wuz hard we had a huge arugmnet over xmas cuz i thought he wuz seein his ex n turned out 2 be a big misunderstandin so big thing i lerned wuz its so importent 2 talk all the time were 2gether now but we broke up 4 a while cuz we werent talkin enuf! not talkin was big trouoble 4 us so make sure u keep talkin so u know wats goin on wit both of u... but wit talkin it can work out were 2gether now at his dads n have been since jan wen i started school in his area cuz its a beter school. n make sure ur both really wantin the same ting cuz if u dont sumone could get hurt...