Why does he do this to me? Please help!

[RubyInnocence]

I posted a few weeks ago about my jealousy problem with my boyfriend of six months. I mentioned that he has a very huge "thing" for Asian women. He says, "The average Asian woman is hotter than the average white woman." I tease him about it when it comes up, and make fun of him for going out with an Irish girl!

One day, I took it so far that I told him, "Well, I like Italian men. You know what? Since you're not Italian, I can't go out with you. You're so ugly. Only Italian men are hot. It's a shame you're not Italian because then I would really love you."

I felt horrible afterwards, even though he laughed it off. I was just so desperate to make him feel the way I feel!

Last night, at dinner, I mentioned how I really like the new Missy Elliot song (don't know how this came up.)

"It's all about the Asian girl," he said.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"The little girl in the song. It's all about her."

"What does this song have to do with her being Asian?" I asked.

"I'm just saying, the song is cool because of her."

"She has like one line!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he said. "But she's Asian."

I flipped out at him, saying that I hate how he purposely tries to make me upset. He asked why I was flipping out, and I said, "I think it's ridiculous that my BOYFRIEND is purposely trying to make me upset, how f-cked up is that??" He apologized, saying that he wasn't trying to do it on purpose.

I am so upset about this! How can I get him to stop? Is he doing it on purpose, or does he really want to be with an Asian girl? I want to break up with him, even though I love him so much, because I'm so sick with worry that if he sees an Asian girl he's going to leave me for her. PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!!

[Joanie]

DROP HIM LIKE A BAD HABIT. First, that's extremely callous of him to display that fetish of his to you. Second, I'm a California girl who's witnessed plenty of guys with Asian fixations--bottom line is they objectify women, being overly drawn to physical appearances--very shallow. I personally know a few of these and I can't tell you how many times they confess to not seeing themselves forever with the one they're with, but rather fantasize of "the one" being Asian, and how crazed they get over getting intimate with one. I'm not being insensitive to you, I'm just telling it like it is as a warning. He will leave you for one if the opportunity presents itself. When you get over him, you'll be glad you moved on. Believe me, you would rather have a man that's TOTALLY into you, you're HIS type, he's crazed by YOUR skin, smell, look, hair. Right? Isn't that something you crave in the package of a love relationship? Damn right! Free yourself and your real soulmate will come along.

[cookies]

i have to agree totally with Joanie...she pretty much said exactly as i feel on this one. I wouldnt want to be witha man that expresses his desire or preference to a certain "type" of woman, which i clearly may NOT be...thas mentally torturing coming from someone that says he loves u, and can lower ur self esteem thinkin ur not good enough 4 him since ur not of Asian descent. That sux. This would make me feel insecure and uncomfortable in the relationship. The last thing i would want in a relationship is for a man to make me feel unloved, compared to a group of other women that he clearly places "above me".

 

When a man loves a woman, he puts her above all others. You should be treated respectfully and lovingly,..theres no otherway to describe how a man treats a woman he loves dearly and truly....

 

cookies

[BronBron23]

it seems to me like he is joking although he may be into asian girls it is his way of flirting with you and trying to make you laugh maybe like an inside joke. im sure he does like asian girls but thats not a reason to dump someone u guys are overreacting, if he loves u than thats all that matters...by that conversation u typed it seems as if he was doing it to annoy u as a joke, do u actually think he thought the song was good because of an asian girl? saying that she should dump thats like saying a married man cant think that a supermodel is attractive, or cant be generally attracted to a certain ethnic group thats not his wifes...thats so stupid.

[overcorrect]

Well, I'm sure it's not so easy to drop him like a bad habit... I guess that I'm fixated on certain types of women (brunettes) and according to previous posts I guess that catagorizes me as objectifying women too.

 

I'm also fixated on women who are very strong willed and self motivated and can mentally and physically slam-dunk any chauvanistic man when it comes to his shallow thinking (I call them Alpha-females... like the Rosie the Rivoter poster)... does that count as objectifying?

 

I think that the average strong-willed and self-assured woman is much more attractive and interesting than the average weak-willed woman.

 

That said... Perhaps when I see a "hot" woman (regardless of nationality) I might just mention to my girlfriend casually that my observation is that a certain type of woman is "hotter" than another type... It DOESN'T mean that I want to break off the relationship the first opportunity some "hot" woman comes along.

 

From a guys point of view... if you keep "flipping out" on him... you're going to end up with out him. It sounds to me that you need to figure out this jealousy issue before you start burning bridges.

 

I know I would get tired of walking on egg shells with every statement I made.

[cookies]

its obvious that men and women think differently, and i totally understand where u guys are coming from, however its nota good feeling for her to feel as if she is walking on eggshells with her man, and the comments he makes about asian women. Thats a bit painful and can possibly instill a bit of insecurities in her mind, when she very well may not have any. I think its cool when a woman doesnt have a problem with her man complimenting another female, but there is a fine line that he should not cross...have some sort of boundarie when its causing unnecessary and unhealthy energy in the relationship.

 

If im diggin a guy who´s constantly talking about other females, with one or some in particular...i may find that a painful pill to swallow, but i do swallow it, and try to override any jealousy feelings that may tend to arise,...but if it becomes repititious...he soon starts to become a turnoff to me, as that is not very considerate of how i may feel. I dont like for guys to intentionally try to make me feel jealous...I may see the finest guy in the world, but if my comments on how he "ROCKS" begin to make my mate uncomfortable, i would feel bad enough to take notice that i dont want to hurt him further and i will stop and pay him the attention he deserves as my man. IM not saying stop noticing others, as thats natural and to be expected...we´re all humans, and its not possible to just be attracted to only ONE person forever...

 

Personally, i think they should talk about it, and if necessary take some time apart to think things thru. Dont drop him like a bad habit..but when somebody loves u, they wont constantly say things to make u feel less worthy, weather hes kidding or not...theres a time to keep his mouth shut about it...

 

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[Joanie]

Ruby, this BronBron dude/chick is a little dense, or perhaps has not experienced a love intense enough to know that this b.s. is unacceptable. There's a big difference between the healthy attraction we feel toward the opposite sex (or same sex, whichever the case) even when in a relationship, and the Asian-obsession of your boyfriend. Again, what he's doing to you is not healthy for YOUR self-esteem, and moreover his CONSISTENT mention of his predilection is very telling. It's all about clues, girlfriend. When we are in love, we often ignore or overlook key clues that predict a relationship's outlook. Boy do I see all the clues of my past shenanigan, in hindsight that is, and I really regret not tuning into those clues when they were dropped. Your situation really pisses me off, so I stand firm on you not tolerating this disgusting crap.

 

Joanie

[overcorrect]

Yes, Cookies I agree with you on your point... I also think that it has to be something that he mentions over and over without regard for her feelings that would make it wrong.

It has to be something he does though and not something she perceives him doing...

 

Alpha females.... gotta love 'em!!!

[RubyInnocence]

Thanks to you who have posted, I don't know what I would do without this forum. I have been busy for the past few days, but I did read your replies and I'm glad I did.

The other night, I was so frustrated with him that I just couldn't even talk to him. Eventually he got me to talk, so I told him that I thought it was completely disrespectful that he talked about Asian women when he knows that it bothers me.

I said, "It makes me SO upset. If you want me to be a blonde, I can be a blonde. If you want my boobs bigger, I can get them bigger. But I can NEVER be Asian. Why are you wasting your time with me?"

He apologized, saying that he didn't realize how badly it bothered me. (How could he not, we've talked about this!) He went on to say that he loves me just the way I am, that he only wants to be with me and that he doesn't want me to change.

That was all very nice, and it made me feel better, but I pressed the issue. I told him that he makes me so unhappy because he brings up other girls all the time. I told him that I just couldn't take it anymore, because I didn't think it was fair because I NEVER do that to him. I have seen/liked other guys, and I have never pointed them out because of COMMON COURTESY. I told him that he could either control his urges for other girls or he could say goodbye to me. He was pretty quiet when I said that; I don't think he realized how serious I was about this whole thing.

I mentioned that I was going to make him jealous with another guy that I was going to make-up. (I was going to pretend like another guy was calling me all the time and buying me gifts.) He said, "Well, I would have dumped you, then, and when you told me it was a joke I wouldn't have believed you." EXACTLY!!!! "You wouldn't have known that I was joking," I said, "so how do you expect me to know when YOU'RE joking??" HAHAHA! You should have seen the confused look on his face!

AND GUESS WHAT?!?!?! On Saturday at work, a guy named Mark who works two doors down came in to talk to me, just to chat. Pat (my boyfriend) came in as I was talking to Mark and gave him a DEATH LOOK! The minute Mark left, Pat said, "So who's Mark?" I shrugged. "A friend." "How do you know him?" he pressed. Again, I gave him a vague answer, then asked, "Are we jealous, dear?" He shrugged. "I'd just like to know who's talking to my girl." Tee hee. I was thrilled by the whole situation, for once he was in the position of being jealous!

Anyway, this post is so long, but I'm not done! I would like to respond to your posts. I agree that it is wrong that he would mention something over and over. It does make my self-esteem disappear, like Joanie said. I definitely have to look at the clues he is giving me, yet he often says the sweetest things to me, and I really feel like he is dedicated to me. He probably says more good than bad, but the bad always overshadows the good. I don't want to make him feel like he has to watch what he says...but how can I not be angry? I feel insulted! It's definitely a painful pill to swallow, as Cookies said, because I wouldn't care if it was once in a while but he brings it up EVERYDAY.

Pat is a great boyfriend. He spends all of his free time with me. He pays for everything. He compliments me and makes me feel great...EXCEPT when he talks about Asian women! If he would stop that, he would be perfect! I actually don't care when he talks about most other girls, it's just the Asian women, because I know he has such a thing for them!

Overcorrect, I don't think the issue here is Pat objectifying women. The issue is that he brings it up EVERY DAY. You said that you mention to your girlfriend if you see a hot woman. Do you do it every day, sometimes more than once? Don't you think your girlfriend would get upset if you did?

Thank you again, everyone, for posting. I would appreciate any comments on my update, and thank you guys TEN TIMES A MILLION for your help!!!!! 8)

[osewa77]

I love happy endings wherever I see them

 

His habit of talking about Asian girls is probably just that - a bad habit. Help him break it, but be patient when he fails. Make it into a kind of game if possible (like he has to do something special for you whenever he forgets that he's not supposed to talk about Asian women). Realize that it takes longer to break a habit than to understand(as he already does) that is has to be broken. Appreciate the positive things he does and says, so he won't be preccupied with avoiding saying negative things.

 

I think the teo of you are in for a happy relationship. Cheers!