gary1958 Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I was wondering if people with this disorder ever come to the realization they have it and do what it takes to address there issues.. Are they better alone when they address them or better with someone by there side? Link to comment
Casey13 Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 They can improve with much commitment but never fully recover. They would appreciate you by their side but you have to accept the fact that at any time they can leave you, throw a fit and most of them do end up having an affair mainly for feeling of acceptance. If you are strong enough to endure these things then you are the person for them and they would probably benefit from your company and support Link to comment
Skinman Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Well here is a good website thats deal with this........ read up on the article and you will be surprised... they never get better unless they have help. be thankful that you are rid of them. link removed Link to comment
Up and Down Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Gary, You have been to link removed, you know the outcome is often bleak. The biggest issue with BPD is that the high functioning ones don't think they have a problem. So it's rare that they seek help. This is the biggest hurdle to get past and it's a huge one. I would think something big has happened in a BPD life for them to look deep inside before they get help. As for you being with them while they get help, I am not sure. BPD personality disorder is one of intimacy, so it may be hard for them to change their behavioural patterns while in a relationship. I take it you are still second guessing your past relationship with your uBPDxgf? Link to comment
gary1958 Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 I have moments... for the most though Im out and healed.. but Im getting contact from her and the friends I dumped as they sided with her.. So just looking to empower myself somewhat in case the inevitable happens Link to comment
OziJack Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I was wondering if people with this disorder ever come to the realization they have it and do what it takes to address there issues.. Are they better alone when they address them or better with someone by there side? I had a one year relationship with a woman with BPD back in 2006(this is mainly a female disorder) She was a professional educator of children , and drop dead gorgeous to boot, but she was as mad as a cut snake, and twice as cunning...no scruples, no morals, no ethics and no understanding of her own madness and could care less about the trail of destruction that she leaves behind her. Any man who has been deceived by one of these creatures has my sympathy and understanding. That woman is pure evil. ------ How long since you and she parted company ? Link to comment
Up and Down Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I have moments... for the most though Im out and healed.. but Im getting contact from her and the friends I dumped as they sided with her.. So just looking to empower myself somewhat in case the inevitable happens I think once your are apathetic to her Maybe you can have contact. But if you are emotionally entrenched, I would say stay away. In any case maybe it would be a good idea for you to go back to BPDcentral and read some of the messages by new forum members...see how they mirrored your relationship and see how they turned out. Many want to be the ones that conquered this disorder through there special love for each other but the fact is the odds are against us. Link to comment
gary1958 Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 Apathetic...empathetic..I just feel really sorry for her now and am disconnected emotionally. Finally feel like I could just talk on the phone without emotions and ask why.... Link to comment
Up and Down Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Apathetic...empathetic..I just feel really sorry for her now and am disconnected emotionally. Finally feel like I could just talk on the phone without emotions and ask why.... Do you think you will ever get a straight answer? Does it really matter what she says, will you believe it, or is she just telling you what she thinks you want to hear. Or alternatively she might just lay into you and blame you for everything still...do you need to hear either story??? Link to comment
gary1958 Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 Point being now if it ever came to that... I know enough to not take it personally.. Im hopeful I never here from her again.. but there are signs Link to comment
osterfanish Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I believe, especially after reading the information at link removed (which I have printed out and done so many times, in my never ending quest for answers) that my ex has some form of BPD. The description and her behavior during and after our relationship fits word for word. She is attractive, in a helping profession (a doctor), has an explosive/dynamic personality (it's like a whirlwind when she enters a room - everyone MUST witness her); she is emotionally immature (like a teenager trapped in an adult), ultimately lacks empathy for anyone but herself, highly manipulative, compulsive lying, constantly needs attention/acceptance, couldn't bear the fact if someone did not think highly of her, very compulsive behavior through substance/alcohol abuse - the list goes on and on. But I loved her and still do. She was my best friend. I never thought about it much at the time we were together, but my ex constantly struggled with depression and was in therapy on a pretty regular basis. The rescuer/fixer element in me either ignored all of the red flags (because of my own personal issues, especially my having an addictive personality and being co-dependently attached to her) or tried to support her as best I could w/ all of the problems she had. In the end, I feel like people who have this disorder can emotionally bankrupt a person. I feel like I became so enmeshed with her that all sense of personal identity and sense of self was lost. It does take two to tango, though, and I, in my being naive and inexperienced, let her do the things she did - I turned a blind eye to her behavior and opened myself up to more hurt by becoming so emotionally wrapped up in this person. It is crazy... despite it all, and everything she has done, I still miss my ex incredibly and want her back(!?), even though the rational/logical side of me knows that it would be highly unlikely or near impossible. She is with someone else that she met at the end of our relationship and denied it all, yet I STILL think about her non-stop and love her. That is what being involved with someone who has even a faint degree of BPD can do to you, if you are yourself emotionally weak or have low self-esteem, etc. You become addicted to the affections the other person can show for you, despite all of their overwhelming degree of shortcomings. Link to comment
fishguy Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 omg! I read that link it's my ex to a tee!! Thanks for posting!! Link to comment
gary1958 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Share Posted April 23, 2009 I read that article too along time ago... Funny how the pieces fits...the hardest part is separating the heart from the head Link to comment
gary1958 Posted April 23, 2009 Author Share Posted April 23, 2009 Oh yeah, and they emotionally rape your soul!! Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 My mom was borderline and it almost killed my dad and have severe affects on me and the way I'm dealing with my break-up. It's SO tough. But well, they deserve love too, but please understand that it's a choice for life. Being with a person like that, it's going to impact you and it might impact your kids. Link to comment
fishguy Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Oh yeah, and they emotionally rape your soul!! I'll say. And the part about feeling totally emasculated.She made me feel like the biggest wimp in the world.And her ex before me apparently got physical with her,was an alcoholic and impotent........hmmmm it's all coming together... Link to comment
Skinman Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 It is crazy... despite it all, and everything she has done, I still miss my ex incredibly and want her back(!?), even though the rational/logical side of me knows that it would be highly unlikely or near impossible. She is with someone else that she met at the end of our relationship and denied it all, yet I STILL think about her non-stop and love her. That is what being involved with someone who has even a faint degree of BPD can do to you, if you are yourself emotionally weak or have low self-esteem, etc. You become addicted to the affections the other person can show for you, despite all of their overwhelming degree of shortcomings. osterfanish, This qoute sounds so much like my situation with my stbxw.. we were together for almost 16 years and I put up with so much emotional abuse and being there for her and losing myself in the mean time... But to this day I love her and want my family together.. Even though i know its not healthy for me....So your not alone friend.. best wishes to you in your new life... Link to comment
fishguy Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 I compare being with my ex to being an abused dog that was kicked repeatedly by its owner.You don't miss being kicked but you sure miss the occasional pet on the head.I often wonder that maybe women with this problem often have unreal expectations of a mate.I know with my ex she would occasionally compare me to the ex before me and tell me how hard he worked and how much money he made leaving out all the reasons I was better at than him affection,sex,attentiveness.I feel she wants to have a guy who has all my good qualities all his good qualities plus no habits she would have find annoying.I myself too would love to find a kind sweet girl who looks like a porn star wants to have sex everyday and is a good cook but I'm realistic enough to know that's not going to happen..lol. Link to comment
osterfanish Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 osterfanish, This qoute sounds so much like my situation with my stbxw.. we were together for almost 16 years and I put up with so much emotional abuse and being there for her and losing myself in the mean time... But to this day I love her and want my family together.. Even though i know its not healthy for me....So your not alone friend.. best wishes to you in your new life... Thanks, Skinman. I am sorry you had to go through it for 16 years. My ex and I were together for only 2 1/2 years. It was a long distance relationship on top of that, but I did get to know her incredibly well and we were very close, and I have been able to take stock during the last 5 months since our break up (over 2 months NC) and analyze the relationship now. I realize she has major issues, but also am realizing that I ALLOWED myself to be put through this. There were major red flags and misbehavior towards me that I didn't acknowledge in the beginning. I walked away for a time after a major blowup via her mistreatment of me, but later pulled this person back into my life and we fell in love. However, her behavior did bring out a lot of negative things in me, and those are the issues I am striving to improve. It's not to say that she and other people with some form of a personality disorder such as BPD don't have wonderful qualities, because she does and they do. In many ways, my ex is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever known and at her core I know she is a good person. And yes, I still do love her and most likely a part of me always will. But it's the self-centered qualities such as narcissism that really drive these people in their never-ending quest for self, and that is what makes them so dangerous to people like me who not only drawn to that, but want to help them in some way. This is an issue within ourselves that LET'S us be treated this way. My guess is, my ex does not treat everyone this way, only the people that LET her treat them in that way. The bottom line is, they leave you feeling confused about yourself and lack of identity because you have emotionally invested everything in them. And when they leave and emotionally cut you off, you feel like you're left picking up the pieces and wondering what the hell happened... I should point out that although we might think people with BPD or some other issue such as chronic depression can be dangerous to be involved with, deep down we most likely knew this person had serious issues and we wanted to be with them, regardless. In my case, it brought out a lot of my own negative qualities, and in effect, my experience is showing me more about myself and what I am drawn to more than anything else. It will be a learning experience so that I can choose a more healthy person, and someone that brings out my healthy nature, in the future. Link to comment
brazilgirl21 Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 I think it's a given that people with BPD are REALLY nice people underneath their fear, destructions, etc... I know my mom is one of the kindest people I know. However, their issues make it very difficult for people to relate to. In the case of my parents, my dad suffered endlessly for at least 20 years where he had 2 daughters to take care of... You know what happened to their relationship? My dad finally divorced 5 years ago but he STILL takes care of my mom. Everyday he calls her, they talk, she's his daughter now. It's beautiful, yet tragic to witness. My dad has three daughters and his new wife has to accept that. And she does. Once my mom realized that my dad would not leave her, even after the divorce, even after he found someone else, she finally found peace and let him be. So really, they just need to know someone will take care of them. It is a LIFELONG commitment though. I would not be able to deal with it, since I've been dealing with it all my life. I want a stable partner. However I believe that maybe some of you are destined to love and take care and "save" someone with BPD, you know? Hard to explain. Link to comment
Mutley Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 I was dating someone with BPD last year. It was utter hell. Link to comment
fishguy Posted April 24, 2009 Share Posted April 24, 2009 It's get to the point with people who have BPD,that you never know who the real person is.Is she really evil and when she's nice its an act or is it the opposite.It truly makes me sad because I gave her so much love and support and she threw me away like a piece of garbage.I worry that a future boyfriend may not be as patient and clean her clock,because I'm the most peaceful guy in the world and I tell ya sometimes I could have put her lights out.Everybody deserves to be happy it hurts me to think to think she will never allow herself to be. Link to comment
gary1958 Posted May 13, 2009 Author Share Posted May 13, 2009 Agreed Fishguy...I was so calm around her... She often said "Why are you so serious and calm" why can't you be more emotional like me. But when she ended and painted me black to my friends, I was the one who was crazy with mood swings... Projection I say.... Link to comment
fishguy Posted May 13, 2009 Share Posted May 13, 2009 Well,with them you never how to act.Stay calm and don't react you get blasted.Stand up for yourself once in a while you get blasted it's always a lose/lose situation. She would often say doing arguments'You need to be with be with somebody like you and I need to be with somebody like me'.I would always think you'd kill somebody if they were like you..lol. Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted May 13, 2009 Share Posted May 13, 2009 I think it's a given that people with BPD are REALLY nice people underneath their fear, destructions, etc... I know my mom is one of the kindest people I know. However, their issues make it very difficult for people to relate to. However I believe that maybe some of you are destined to love and take care and "save" someone with BPD, you know? Hard to explain. I agree with the first paragraph, but the second... noooo way. No one can save you. that's a very destructive way of thinking. and that is ENABLING the Borderline instead of allowing them to learnt o take care of and nurture themselves and own their "stuff" and stop victimizing themselves. Link to comment
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