It's too late... but my heart doesn't want it to be.

[thatdoggirl]

 

So my...ex and I have been in a relationship for a little over a year and a half. We had a few break ups and a lot of differences/disagreements/misunderstandings, etc. You'd think I've had enough to call it quits from all the bad times but we've had good times as well. Even though it doesn't seem like it we do have some things in common and we've always enjoyed spending time together. It's nice to simply be in each others company and that in itself makes me happy but I also love him very much. He had a lot of great qualities about him and I've seen him SHOW how much he loves me though his actions many times. Problem is I never really mention all of the good things about him and every time something goes wrong or I'm really upset I end up telling my family and friends and also more importantly the BIG problem is we have some major trust issues going on.

 

The other day I snooped on his facebook because I had this terrible feeling. It wasn't the first time I've snooped on him and he knows it and he has a right to be upset about that especially since it's happened to him before with an ex. It's just wrong to invade his privacy and I know this but I was stupid and gave into my temptation of checking.

 

I found a message he sent to a girl he's never met, they just have some friends in common. She lives in another state too. He mentioned that he had a gf and that we are in a complicated relationship. He said that we had a lot of differences. Then he went on to say that he knows he wouldn't marry me and he doesn't know why he's still with me because he wonders if god is supposed to show him who he's meant to be with and that maybe if he found someone he'd connect better with he'd run off with them. I also read a message between a different girl out of state that said something about "when are you going to come see me?"... and he replied saying something like if he visited he wouldn't want to get a hotel so he'd have to stay at her place. * * * ?!

 

We argued a bunch through text and I was so sure I'm just done with everything. I can't be with someone who I cannot trust. Last night we arranged to talk in person to get some closure because breaking up over text is just bleh. So we talked and I know he regrets the things he said. It's not like this was just some sort of behavior he just decided to have... it's been always been a pattern of his in past relationships to talk to girls online and when he's confused about his feelings he tends to say whatever comes to him at that moment without thinking about the consequences of his actions. He says that he'd never physically cheat on me or anyone which I really do honestly believe. I can't possibly see him as someone that would actually cheat. BUT I view this as emotionally cheating when he disagrees because he says he doesn't even want to visit that girl and even if he did he didn't mean it like that he says she is just a friend. I asked him how he would feel if I said something like that to a guy and he said that if I told him that I didn't have any intention on actually doing anything then he'd believe me.

 

He said that he is ashamed and regrets what he wrote to the other girl too about me. Part of why he gets confused is because he was still hurting about a time when I told him that I probably couldn't marry him or something like that. I don't know... I said it months ago and I was upset I didn't mean it however it came out. What's bad about all of this is that before snooping and reading this I had been feeling a bit down wondering about why are relationship hadn't seemed to be progressing because I wanted to share my future with him. He's the one person I'd want to share my life with and I wanted to work toward marriage. I don't know if I can just let go and forgive what he said to that girl just yet or even if I should because he said it and it's right there in my face. It has to be truthful about what he feels if he said it. He's got this weird way of thinking that if he says this stuff to people in the back of his mind he hopes that they will tell him that the way he feels is wrong and tell him he shouldn't think that way. It's just messed up because he's had this problem for a long time. It's a pattern and it's something that I'm not sure even if HE wanted to change I think he'd fall into the same pattern.

 

After talking we had nothing left to really say but he didn't want to go or else he would have and I didn't want him to go. I was kind of sad. My heart started taking over instead of my head and slowly it ended up that we were cuddling and just talking and such. Nothing more then cuddling. It goes late and he said he had to go and that's when I just broke down. I started crying in his arms. I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't look at him even. I don't know what I want. I don't know if it's possible for BOTH of us to trust each other again and I don't even know how we'd go about rebuilding that trust and even then if it's even worth it through all of this. On top of that all my friends and family side with me when I tell them all the bad stuff and I know some would frown at me if I got back together with him.

 

When I calmed down a little bit through crying and after him holding me he kept asking what? To find out why I was crying so much. I wanted to kiss him so bad and he knew it. He kissed me a few times and I walked him out and we kissed again.

 

Now I'm just soooo confused. I could just leave it as that. I don't even know what is going through his mind anyway. So I could just leave it at that... but at the same time I don't want to.

[shorty20]

If I were you... I would wait to see if he contacted me. I guess I'm stubborn like that, and in situations like your where there has been broken trust, I want the ball to be in my court, otherwise it just looks like you're begging him to do it again. If he contacts you, and you decide that you want to pursue your relationship, you've GOT to stop spilling the beans to everyone. If you're upset with him, call him. Talk to him about it. You guys both have to learn to communicate with each other instead of going to outside sources (you your friends, and him the internet) I think the reason he goes and emails girls is because it makes him feel special... wanted and needed by someone else. It probably also makes him feel a little sneaky. If you take him back, make sure he knows that it's not ok in your book, and if it happens again that you're done... and stick to it! Tell him that if he's feeling angry or sad or upset about anything.. whether it has to deal with you or not... that you want him to call you! In a relationship, I firmly believe that your SO should be your first contact in any situation. The first person you call when you're happy, sad, mad... whatever. But please please please make sure you do not become his door mat. I've been down that road and I'm still suffering the consequences from it. Even if it's the hardest thing in the world, stick up for yourself and what you know you deserve! I'd say if you do give him another chance, this is the last inning. No more breaking up and taking him back... it either works or it doesn't. Don't tell him that, or it will put too much pressure on the relationship.. but that is just the mindset that I would have if I were you. Life's too short to waste on broken relationships, so find out for yourself and run with it!

[Di_ya2009]

I used to tell my firends and family when bad things happened b/w my ex and I but I hardly spoke about our good times so my friends would also frown if I had gotten back with my ex. We were on and off too.

 

But at the end you need to live with your choice and it's your life, and it's not about you satisfying your family or friends, do what feels right for you, I am sure even if they are unhappy with your choice, once they see you happy with him they'll move on.

 

From the way you described the situation, it seems as though your ex was genuine in saying why he msg those girls, although I would be very upset if that had happened to me. But if there is no trust in the realtionship, how long can it last?

 

Do what's right for you!

[thatdoggirl]

Thank you all for the advice! I'm happy to say that I've been feeling a lot better then the way I felt when I wrote this. I still don't know what it going to happen between me and my ex but I'm really just fine with my life right now. I'm focusing on me and the things that I need to do in my life and not worrying so much about the love life so much. lol. I've been concentrated on school and hanging out with my friends.

 

There is a guy that is interested in me but he's going through a break up right now too so for now we're just talking and he did take me on a date. But yeah even if I did consider dating him it would take a while and I'd need time to think. He's a nice guy and I like him but I definitely want to take things really really slow if I considered dating him. But honestly right now I'm fine with being single and I'm not looking for a relationship, not even with my ex right now although I am still very much in love with my ex.

 

I decided to be a bit distant with the ex for a bit so I could get my head clear. He still texts me everyday to say hello and he noticed I wasn't talking much. We got into a little argument on Thursday night because I was a little irritated with him contacting me and said that we weren't really friends so there wasn't a point. Oops. Well, went went out to eat later that night and he bought me dinner even though we aren't together. That was nice of him. He told me that he is in love with me and that usually you don't realize that until it's too late. He's trying to fix things and he sent that girl a message to tell her to ignore what he said about me. He said that even though he's trying to make things right that way he knows that it still doesn't take away the hurt that it's caused and his desire right now is to fix that. He's been a little bit sad about things lately. He also admitted to me the obvious, that he is scared of marriage and the commitment because of how everyone these days has short marriages that end in divorce. He wants to have a happy one that lasts. Which I understand where he is coming from there. That still doesn't mean to be completely skeptical of it and such. I'm too young right now anyway, I just want a relationship that is serious without the doubts.

 

Anyway, for now I'm fine with being his friend I think. I'm just going to keep focused on the other things in my life and go with the flow. Whatever happens happens. If I decide something I'll be happy knowing that I took the time to figure out what is best for me and I'm not gonna settle for anything less. I'll just see where things go in time.