Career over Relationship?

[estevan_carlos]

What are people's thoughts on putting careers over relationships?

 

What are your thoughts on the possible phenomenon of those who put career first as a means of avoiding relationships and intimate relations with others? Is it truly unhealthy? I don't believe so.

[Athena]

I think it depends on what your priorities are in life. Everyone has different priorities.

 

If career is most important to you, the only advise I would have is make sure that you find someone who's career is more important to them than you, and theres shouldn't be any problems.

 

I think the problems come when one persons priorities don't match up with the other persons.

 

-A

[estevan_carlos]

How on earth would that be a relationship if both people are more preoccupied with thier careers? I figured prioritizing a career by default eliminates certain issues as family and relationships.

[Mar]

My thought would be that, if my career was so important to me, my goals, my aspirations, as to take up all of my time, I wouldn't be so selfish as to then expect someone to wait patiently on the sidelines for whatever snippets of myself I could give them.

 

There's nothing wrong with being goal-oriented and striving for a position of power/respect/credibility, whatever-but if you're THAT driven to do so, it's unwise to also get involved with someone, since the chances that you're going to be able to devote any meaningful time to them are slim to none. Take doctors-when residents, they work practically nonstop. And you hear stories of docs hooking up with other docs/nurses, whoever, and even THOSE relationships die a slow death because of the drive to get a practice going and establish a name for oneself.

 

So no-I see nothing wrong with putting a career first and relationship second-but only if the career is established enough that the person in that career can then fairly devote a good amount of time to the relationship so it doesn't flounder.

 

Mar

[kungfumaster]

Carlos,

 

This is a really good question. I have pondered it for a long time now.

So, forgive me if I am going to spill out my thoughts, and if I don't give such an eloquent answer as Athena and Mar above. But, I'd have to agree mostly with Athena and Mar.

 

For myself, I have always put my career first, and relationships second because I am a very practical person. If I can't earn a good living, I will NOT 1) be happy with myself, 2) be able to provide for my partner (or share in the cost) 3) be able to provide for my family if we get married and decide to have kids 4) have a comfortable standard of living. So, all those things are important to me, so I have put my career first.

 

You see this question really is important to me because my only two major long term relationships ended partly because of my career. In both, I had to move away to a different city because of my career. And both relationships weren't strong enough to handle the LDR (the first we didn't even try, the second one died after 3 months). So please stop reading if you think this is a LDR problem and not a career problem (combination of both probably though).

 

I agree with Mar in that I shouldn't be selfish enough to expect someone to wait for me while I try to find a job back in the same city where my partner is. In my line of work, the more talented and smart you are, the more likely you can choose the place where you can work. In my situation, I have talent, but not of "star" quality to get the job I want in any city - hence, I've had to move from city to city. But I have finally landed a permanent position, although in a city that is not that interesting to me. But a colleague of mine has a long distance relationship for 3 years!, and they are still going strong - mainly because the girlfriend is in our field too (but 3 years behind), and so she understands how hard it is to get a job in a city you want. So this comes to what Athena has said -the partners priorities must match up(at least to some extent) for it to work. If the priorities match up pretty well (in the case of my colleagues relationship), then career actually becomes part of the "relationship".

 

So, that's all I have to say for now I guess. Actually, now I question my decision to leave my ex in city X to move to city Y for my job/career. It's been 3 months now.

 

 

 

 

However, I am one of those mediocre, but still talented enough people toanyplace in the world where I can work

[estevan_carlos]

Interesting. I think i would not even attempt an LDR but i've never been in a relationship anyhow. The reason i proposed this question is because i've been scoffed at in the past for suggesting my career was more important and for thinking being career-oriented was entirely healthy. there may be a difference of opinion on that.

 

right now it's the only thing that makes sense to me. the only thing that's fulfulling and the only thing that can help take care of me.

[kungfumaster]

I'm back!!

 

I've been thinking more about the career vs. relationship choices. I think there has to come a point in my life where I have to choose relationship over career. So far, I have always chosen career - and as my previous post already says, these decisions for career have been the demise of my long term relationships. Should I blame my career, or the long distance which my career caused (because I had to move to a different city because of my career)?

[longrun]

there is always compromise we have to make for life.. life is sometimes so hard and even harder when you have too many choices ahead without knowing which one is more precious and leading the life...

 

As is for me, chances are first job training program starts at July, summer camp at July too(probably would be a chance to see my Bf if you ever read my post before), going to another country to do further degree which I hv been given offer for.. all the timings are overlapped, meanwhile those are the things I have dreamed for long but pops up all around the same time...

 

 

career??--relationship??--education???(add one to the title)

 

triangle balancing?? Got no clue....

[kungfumaster]

Hey longrun,

 

I know how you feel. I was in the same position as you the summer of lasy year. Its has been the toughest decision I've ever had to make in my life so far - every other decision was easy compared to the one I made when I decided to take the job in a different city than my (then) girlfriend - now ex.

 

For myself, when I chose to go, I knew there could be a big chance I'd lose my love relationship - that's why it was sooo hard - obviously I guess. Right now, I still don't know whether I've made the right decision. Although I feel 1000000 times better now than when she dumped me 3.5 months ago, I still don't know whether it was the right decision FOR ME (independent of the past love relationship). Because now, I am thinking twice about whether all the effort I've put in my career is worth it if I am not really happy with my life. I mean, I put so much time, energy, tears, work, and basically my life into my career - now that I've got a good position, I'm not happy - I mean, I am happy I have the job I've always wanted, but now that I have it, I'm questioning whether it was worth it if I don't have anyone to enjoy it with? Ahhhh!

 

To quote you long run: "career??--relationship??--education???" - man, I should know by now, since I am almost 30. I guess I just had a really bad day since one of my colleagues today treated me like *bad word goes here*, and actually, there are alot of people like him in my line of work, so, I just got to asking myself - what kind of career have I chosen where there are people like this - do I really want to be here and take this *bad word goes here*? Then, I started thinking about the above.

 

Sorry - just needed to vent. Hi yaaaah!

[longrun]

Maybe somtimes when a decision has to be made, think less about ME&I

[kungfumaster]

Ouch - that hurt. Where did that come from??

[Sentohottie]

I've heard of a couple relationships that work out with career being number one. There is a guy who works in my husbads department, and does a lot of computer stuff for a lot of money. His wife is like a travel agent or something. They don't have any kids. Well, his wife spends here entire work week out in other places in the United States (sometimes to other countries) while he spends his work week here. I don't even think they see each other that often. On the weekends, he flies out to wherever her job has her at the time (For example, Hawaii) and spends the weekend with her. That way they get to see the world.

 

However, in my opinion, if you focus on your carrer over a personal relationship, you are missing out on a HUGE part of life. When you get older, you are going to start wanting to have a best friend to go home to, and someone who loves and cares for you. You will wish you will have a family of your own. A kid maybe, that is all excited to see you come home, and runs up and gives you a hug. Something that if it really happened, you wouldn't give up for even the BEST job in the world.

[kungfumaster]

Ouch - that hurt too.

[estevan_carlos]

I don't know. I have some peculiar goals, all of which exclude others. I'd like to leave behind as many artifacts as possible. Make it a pain in the ass to ignore. It's important. I'm not in a position right now to run around trying to chase tail. It's done nothing for me so far. link removed