Cloud85 Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 My wife separated from me and I moved out in December of '07, because she said that we grew apart, was not happy about my physical attractiveness (I gained some pounds after 3 years of marriage. I weigh 230, 6'1") and she didn't care for some of my humor (And yes some of it was tasteless). I begged her to try and work it out and we got back together 2 weeks after I had moved out. 3 weeks later, she still felt this way and I moved out again. *FOUL BALL Now through our first long separation (4 months), she wanted some distances, but like me I called her every week (Take it we were inseparable) trying to talk some sense into her about counseling together (Which she was going to on her own). It didn't happen and she became distant from me. My family and friends (some mutual) had their opinions, which mainly was that she was seeing or was involved with someone else. I also got that feeling and I thought I had an idea on who it was. Her bff of 13 years, who was also a groomsmen in our wedding. He came over often for dinner and we hung out with him almost every week/every other week. I considered him a good friend and even somewhat of a brother. I thought it was unusual that one day he stopped talking to me, but he said it was because he didn't want to be in the middle of our problems. She came to me in April of `08 and said she wanted to try and work on our relationship, but she had to tell me something. She ended up telling me that she had slept with someone. You could only image what went through my head and the first words to come out of my mouth was her bff's/my friends name. She confirmed it and I almost drove to his house and would have done god knows what. *Strike One I restrained myself and talked to her about it and calmed down. I said that I would have to think about going to counseling now that this had happened. I waited a week and finally said lets go to counseling. During the duration of our counseling, I told her she was to have absolutely no contact with him. She went to him with our problems (Emotional Affair anyone) and I didn't want her to have anything to do with him. She said she couldn't just stop contact with him, because they had been friends for so long. (He lived with her and her mom right after his mom committed suicide for about a year). We were sitting with the counselor discussing this and the counselor finally got her to agree, because it was necessary for us to work on our problems. I found out a month and a half later that she was calling him and when I confronted her she also admitted to having lunch with him a couple of times. We went to counseling and then finally I called him to get his side of things. I sat down with him alone, he admitted that it was the worst mistake he has ever made. I make amends with him, but was distant to hanging out with him. Well he ended up coming to a party we had and I passed out (IDIOT) and I guess they had a "talk" about their feelings. I'm not sure what happened, but we discussed it in counseling and a week later and she told me to leave again, because she still had feelings for him. *Strike 2 This was right after our third anniversary and I was yet again, devastated and depressed, but with a sense of anger now. I talked to Mr. BFF about it and he said that she said she still had feelings for him and was confused (Which I didn't doubt). I hung out with him with mutual friends on occasion and he was being distant from my wife (Although they still hung out), because he thought she was unstable emotionally. One day she comes to my friends house and Mr. BFF was there with about 4 other guys watching a movie and she walks in the door. Her and Mr. BFF went to the mall and he told her she was crazy, took back everything he said, and pretty much almost ended there friendship right then and there. Then she came to me on my birthday in July of `08 and said she was wrong and wanted to make it work again. Now, take it I was not living at the house and would not until I felt comfortable again with her and living with her. Sort of like dating. I still would see Mr. BFF frequently, but not with her. She thought that it was unfair and it was. She didn't want to see him and didn't want me to see him. My buddy Fish had a b-day party and Mr. BFF was going to be there. I forewarned her that he was going to be there and that I was going no matter what. It wasn't his birthday, it was my buddies. Anyway, she ends up coming with me, I get tipsy, wayyyyyy tipsy, and I stripped (Butt naked and no shame). Now, this doesn't sound unusual to me, because I have known people to do this and have heard stories. It embarrassed her, which I was sorry for, but then.... (See next line, it deserves it) she compares me stripping to it kinda being like SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER PERSON!!!!. I was speechless, angry, and I said screw it. If this is how you view things, so long. I said goodbye, grabbed my stuff and left. On top of that, she doesn't think she cheated because I was out of the house, she was thinking of divorce, and we were separated... We have been separated for 1yr and 3 months. This last separation lasted about 7 months. She came to me 3 days ago, and poured her heart out and said she wanted us to try again and that she wasn't giving up. All that I could think about was how it hurt me, how hurt I still am, angered me, and lost all trust for her over this period of time. I told her I still loved her, but that I wasn't in love with her and I wasn't getting on for another emotional rollercoaster. I told her 2 months before that to send me the divorce paperwork....she never did. She said, "Fine, you give up and send me the divorce paperwork, because I can't". She also said that we shouldn't talk anymore. I made mistakes and fessed up to them. I even changed some things I was doing that I noticed was damaging to the marriage. Now my head is all jammed up again. I drew up the Legal Separation Papers yesterday to get the process going. Should I stop and give her a 4th or 5th chance or am I just ](*,) Link to comment
odile Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 ](*,) Continue with the proceedings. Seriously, she didn't even hold to her part of the counseling agreements. Trying again just doesn't seem to make much sense based on what you've told us. Link to comment
Knead2Know Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 I'm really not one to promote divorcing without working on things, but your situation is very very difficult to say the least. It takes so long to build trust in a relationship, and in a marriage it is even more critical to be able to have any sense of happiness, comfort, and safety. Unfortunatley your wife is so unstable and unsure of what she wants that she is dragging everyone along for the ride, everyone that gets on that is... You should ask yourself if you can ever trust her again, in my opinion, based on your post, she has a thing for this other guy and any chance she gets to be with him she would. She does not sound stable or clear about what she wants. It's like grabbing a life preserver as you go off the boat, and you are that life preserver... I suggest you get very selfish and do what is right for you, that being what offers you peace of mind, and an ability to move forward in a positive way. I wish you the best, it's a very difficult circumstance... Link to comment
Lecturer Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 You must be some kind of massochist. Take her back for the 5th time, and you'll do it for a 10th, 15th, etc time too. If you enjoy this type of drama and life, then stick with it. Personally, I like stability and comfort. If you are like me, then proceed with the divorce, then move far away and start over. New friends. NC. Link to comment
Cloud85 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 You must be some kind of massochist. Take her back for the 5th time, and you'll do it for a 10th, 15th, etc time too. If you enjoy this type of drama and life, then stick with it. Personally, I like stability and comfort. If you are like me, then proceed with the divorce, then move far away and start over. New friends. NC. No masochist here. I was doing just fine until her last plea for forgiveness and I just wanted some assurance that divorce is the route to take in this instance. Link to comment
clh Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Just my opinion, I think you should move on. I know it is tough, and I feel for you, but judging on her past behavior, you pretty much know what you are in for if you decide to reconcile. She knows she can screw up, beg your forgiveness, and everything will be fine. You don't deserve to be treated that way. She needs to learn from her mistakes - if that is possible, or else she will just keep treating people this way. Good thing is - is that you learned from any mistakes you may have made (as you indicated), so you will be that much better of a partner for whoever you meet in the future. Take care, clh Link to comment
Cloud85 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 Well, Thank you for your responses. I was hoping for more than 4 responses, but it is a confusing situation. Take Care. Link to comment
Cloud85 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 Well, Thank you for your responses. I was hoping for more than 4 responses, but it is a confusing situation. Take Care. Link to comment
DN Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Well, Thank you for your responses. I was hoping for more than 4 responses, but it is a confusing situation. Take Care. The thing is that it isn't confusing to the people who read your post - they see clearly what she is doing and what you should do. The reason that no one else has responded is that there is little point just reiterating the same thing over and over - people who agree with the advice given won't and apparently no one else disagrees with it and can offer anything different. How many different ways can you tell someone not to walk into an aircraft propeller before they accept it will be fatal? Link to comment
DN Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Well, Thank you for your responses. I was hoping for more than 4 responses, but it is a confusing situation. Take Care. The thing is that it isn't confusing to the people who read your post - they see clearly what she is doing and what you should do. The reason that no one else has responded is that there is little point just reiterating the same thing over and over - people who agree with the advice given won't and apparently no one else disagrees with it and can offer anything different. How many different ways can you tell someone not to walk into an aircraft propeller before they accept it will be fatal? Link to comment
Cloud85 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 The thing is that it isn't confusing to the people who read your post - they see clearly what she is doing and what you should do. The reason that no one else has responded is that there is little point just reiterating the same thing over and over - people who agree with the advice given won't and apparently no one else disagrees with it and can offer anything different. How many different ways can you tell someone not to walk into an aircraft propeller before they accept it will be fatal? I see what your saying. Thank you Link to comment
Cloud85 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Share Posted March 17, 2009 The thing is that it isn't confusing to the people who read your post - they see clearly what she is doing and what you should do. The reason that no one else has responded is that there is little point just reiterating the same thing over and over - people who agree with the advice given won't and apparently no one else disagrees with it and can offer anything different. How many different ways can you tell someone not to walk into an aircraft propeller before they accept it will be fatal? I see what your saying. Thank you Link to comment
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