DIFFICULT DECISION, PLEASE HELP

[simplycomplicated]

I'm facing quite a dilemma, i'm having trouble with my girlfriend, she broke up with her ex and we started dating, we're in love and have been together for seven months. but she's still living with her ex, and still feels bad for him, she won't kiss me goodnight infront of him, she basically won't do anything with me while this guys around, he knows were dating and it bothers him because he's not over her yet, they were together four years.

This is really starting to get to me, i can't deal with it because she certainly won't, so just three days ago, we got into an argument which i must admit was'nt her fault, it was mine. There are things i would like to say to her but i don't know how and everytime i try to bring up the situation it turns into to something else, like an argument, we have'nt talked at all since.

I want' to know how i can approach the situation, i know she won't leave him or move out, i can respect that to a certain extent, there are reasons for it, but since this recent argument was my fault I'll be the one to call her back, since this situation bothers me so much how do i approach it, and how do i make up for the recent argument, should i give her an altimatum or should i wait it out...what do you think?

 

PLEASE HELP!

[Nifty_Swifty1]

Welcome to enotalone. I hope you find what you're lookig for here. Most of us here are good people. Make your own judgements on who they arr.

 

that is one messed up situation. Can I ask why it is that she won't move out? Maybe this is just my thinking, but living with an ex is a bad idea. I would say that it wouldn't be unreasionable to ask her to find a diffrent liveing arangement. She has to see that it isn't fair for you. The ex is goin and now she needs to be a little more woried about you. She's dating you, not him. This is just me, but that isn't a situation I would be willing to put up with.

[simplycomplicated]

she won't move out because she does'nt trust anyone else enough to move out with, they were once friends for six years then a couple for another four, she has no family, her mother died and her dads iin prison, the only family she has is her exs family, they don't have kids or anything, she wants him as a friend, like they used to be but she does'nt want to lose him as a friend, which is why she feels bad for him the way she does.

[Xandra]

You have every right to expect her to find a different living situation. Of course if you have tolerated it up until now and lead her to believe that you're okay with it, you have to explain your concerns in the most non-evasive way possible.

 

Why the heck would she want to continue living with him? I don't get that at all. I'm sorry but if she hasn't moved yet, there's a really good chance that it's because a) she doesn't WANT to, b) she's scared of not having him around, since if she was with him for 4 years she's at least in part, dependent on him, c) she wants to have both of you in her life directly.

 

Either way, whatever the case may be, you shouldn't have to deal with this. You have a right to express your concerns, believe me, they're legitimate!

[Xandra]

they were once friends for six years then a couple for another four, she has no family, her mother died and her dads iin prison, the only family she has is her exs family, they don't have kids or anything, she wants him as a friend, like they used to be but she does'nt want to lose him as a friend, which is why she feels bad for him the way she does.

 

Ok, she depends on him and feels like if she moves, she is going to lose a HUGE part of her life. After being around someone for that long, you really start to depend on them ... they become part of your soul.

 

If you really believe that she loves YOU and wants to make a life with you, then you should probably try to establish something that will make her feel secure with you ... since the reason she hasn't moved is because she can't bare the thought of hurting this man who has been there for her for years, even though the romantic part of the relationship is over.

[simplycomplicated]

To be honest, it does'nt bother me that she lives with him, I know what he means to her, and even I don't want to see her lose him as a friend, i trust her and i have my reasons for knowing she only wants him as a friend, one of those reasons are that she does'nt even find him attractive, the last year they were together she would'nt even let him touch her, I believe she has'nt let go of there relationship, it's pathetic concidering we've been togher seven months...i don't know but it's crazy, i'm not hurting for her i just care for her, i have my reasons for trusting her and loving her as well as staying with her...

[Nifty_Swifty1]

It's not quite an apropreate situation. He can still be a friend, they are no longer dating, so those types of conections have to go.

 

This is just me, but her moveing out wouldn't be a sudgestion for me. It just isn't someting I find apropreate.

[simplycomplicated]

she can't make it financially on her own right now, she needs a roomate and the only one she can trust is her ex, so this is why i put up with it, i can't be the one to sit there and demand or even ask that she immediately find a better job and move out, that i refuse to do, now to the question, i need advice on how i should approach the situation, what should i do and some ideas on what i should say, but not about her moving out, but about her sorta letting go and being able to be wth me the way i want her to?

[Nifty_Swifty1]

you did a good job of saying it there. You just need to say it. The problen is that what you want to happen won't happen until she moves out. You hae to get her moveing quickly in that direction.

[Xandra]

Yeah that's a very strange situation. I doubt you guys are EVER going to have a normal, healthy relationship while she's still living with the ex. It's weird, I couldn't do things that way! You're obviously very strong and you love and trust her, so she's worth sticking it out for.