Confusing ex girlfriend friendship

[killer_bimbo]

Righty, my girlfriend split up with me a little over a year ago, she basically didn't want to be committed to anyone anymore. We went out for 3 and a half years from when she was 16-19, and I was 19-23, and things were always good, even towards the end. We split up on good terms, there was no bitterness and anger on either part, and after about 4 months we started talking and seeing each other again, though I made it clear that I still had feelings for her and that I wanted to be more than friends. We kind of tried to get back together, and things seemed to be going well, but I always had the feeling she was holding back and not really letting herself go, and sure enough, after a couple of months, she said that things weren't really working, that she didn't want a relationship, not with me or anyone else, so we decided to see each other just as friends.

 

Though things were a bit awkward at first, over the past 4 or so months we've become really close again, we phone or text each other most days, and see each other reasonably regularly (She lives 80 miles away, so it's hard to meet up). The problem is the nature of our relationship. She has made it clear that she doesn't want to get back with me, but knows that I want us to be together again, and that I still love her, not in quite the same way as I used to (I'd have prolly gone mad by now if I felt the same way as I did a couple of months after the break), but in a way that I know I still love her deeply and in a more than just special close friend way. She says she loves me, but not in the same way as she used to. When asked if she thinks of me as just a friend, she says that we're special, because we know each other more than anyone else does, and that we've shared over 3 years of being completely in love. When we are together, things are a bit weird. I've always felt that we almost act as if we're back together. With friends, especially female friends, there's always a bit of distance, respecting each other's personal space and that kind of thing, but with us that goes out of the window, most of the time we're together we're standing or sitting right up against each other. There's always lots of playful poking and touching and things, and she's often doing things like pretending to fall asleep against my shoulder when we're sitting next to each other or pretending to fall backwards slightly when I'm standing right behind her, so she's resting up against me. We always hug when we go home from meeting up, she always calls me by the affectionate name she called me when we were together, and just lots of general signs of affection, when, with everybody else, neither of us are especially touchy feely type people, just with each other. When I've said to her that we seem to be starting to cross boundries between friendship and something more, she's said she's not really thought about it, and she doesn't know if we are. She's having an interview to work on a cruise ship for 3 months this week, and although I'll really miss her when she's gone, I'm happy for her because it's something she really wants to do, but at the moment her whole life seems to be about avoiding any ties and commitments to anything. Before the cruise ship, she wanted to move to the north of the country (this is england, so no big distances involved) seemingly just because she couldn't think of anything better to do, with the idea of packing up and moving again as soon as she got bored with things there, and so on. She's specifically said she doesn't want any relationship with anyone, and hasn't been with anyone since we've split up. I always get the impression that our relationship is dictated more by her wanting this complete freedom than by what feelings are actually between us, which is frustrating, there seems to be chemistry between us that isn't there with anyone else I've known or met. I love this girl from somewhere deep inside, so I don't think taking a break from each other is really going to make all the chemistry, affection, and thereforeeee me wanting to be more than friends go away, and I doubt setting limits that we will act just as we do with other friends will work, we've tried it, and we just drifted back to the way we naturally work together. I'm just very confused at pretending to be just friends when it doesn't feel like just friends, and the reasons for us being just friends seem less and less clear as time goes on. Anyone got any kind of objective insights into what's going on here?

[bdub]

It sounds like maybe she is confussed about the situation just as you are. Maybe she just does a better job of hiding those confussed feelings of hers. But right now, there is no incentive for her to put a title back on your relationship. She has what she wants. She can be as affectionate with you as she wants, or not affectionate at all. Its totally her call. You are just dangling there on a string for her amusement. I know it doesn't seem that way, and she probably doesn't see it that way either. But until there is a real danger of you not being there for her, you will be stuck in this "holding pattern".

 

What you want to do to fix this situation is up to you. I just wanted to maybe suggest something that might be going on.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub